Wednesday, February 15, 2006

A short, two act play

Act I, Scene I

At a small, religiously affiliated liberal arts college campus

Undergraduate Cheese: (Looking at sign posted on door) No class today, sweet! The cheese can waste even more of his time playing video games and/or sleeping.


Act II, Scene I

At a small, non-religiously affiliated liberal arts college campus

Graduate Cheese: (Looking at sign posted on door) No class today, damnit! That f*&!ing professor better have freakin' polio! The cheese is paying good money for his ass to be here!

finis

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

An Open Letter to Oprah Winfrey or The Autobiography of the Cheese: My Life as a Solid Piece of Enzyme Riddled Bovine Lactation - Part 1

Dear Oprah,

Kindly take your head and remove it from your anus.

The cheese had been inclined to let well enough alone, but after reading more about the recent James Frey ruckus in Entertainment Weekly today (from both highly annoying Ken Tucker, and mildly respectable Stephen King), the cheese had to add his two cents to the growing debate.

To begin with, when did memoir writing become an exercise in historical documentation? Last time the cheese checked (which was today at the bookstore he WORKS in), memoirs almost always contain fictionalized pieces to enhance the narrative. Maybe you, Oprah, haven't heard this word, narrative, before. It's what we in the biz call "the story." Here's another question, has anyone ever seen a film that was "based on a true story" and assumed everything in the film is an accurate portrayal of the events as they happened in real life? Answer, never; because people expect changes. Why is it that books are held to a different standard than movies?

In the interest of full disclosure the cheese admits that 1. he has only read bits of the book while at work and 2. only saw the "soundbites" edition of Oprah's colon cleansing of Frey on national TV.

Now, while it certainly isn't great that the guy didn't say "hey, some of this is made up" at first (as a sidenote, while Million Little Pieces resides in the "Recovery" section of the cheese' store, Frey's second book has, and will always sit in the "Fiction" section, so its likely someone somewhere, besides Frey, knew the truth from the get go), it really shouldn't surprise anyone.

And by the way, Harpo, just how much money did you make off Frey's title during its run on your book club? Will you be reimbursing the publishing company or any of your loyal drone...er...viewers who purchased the book? Interesting, also, that the club's follow up to Frey was thoroughly unimpeachable Elie Weisel's Night.

The cheese has often stated his hate of Oprah (because anyone who names a magazine after herself, and then puts her own damn picture on the cover of every issue should be hated). So maybe some of this just comes from the "holier than though" shit she pulled on Frey. And in the light of massive lying and corruption from both political parties over the last few years, it's particularly bile inducing to see someone like Frey assf****d because he embellished a story to sell some books. But, I guess the moral is, don't fizuck with Oprah. She don't mind if she's a hypocrite cause she's got enough money to always look like the good guy!