Sunday, April 30, 2006

Friends With Money

Is a movie that the cheese, and momma cheese had the dire misfortune to see on Friday night. Written and directed by the same women who brought us the thoroughly crappy Lovely and Amazing, Friends With Money represents, to the cheese, 19 dollars he will never see again. In the first 30 seconds, in fact, it was obvious this was going to be a poor experience. Are we really expected, as an audience, to suspend our disbelief enough to believe that Jennifer Aniston works as a maid? Seriously, a maid!? And here's a thought, Ms. Holofcener, if you're going to cast Ms. Aniston, don't write her character exactly like one she played in a movie four years ago! And you know what else? Jennifer Aniston is not, the cheese repeats, NOT, a good actress. The cheese was a big fan of Friends, but every time he sees the ex-Mrs. Pitt in something, the more he's convinced that she got by for 10 seasons on the talent of the rest of the cast. The one bright spot was Francis Mcdormand and her metro/nearly gay English husband. But even that wasn't enough to salvage this floating shit pile.

The cheese and momma cheese had nearly chosen to see The Sentinel, cause you can hardly go wrong with BOTH Keifer Sutherland and Michael Douglas, but the thought of Eva Longoria traipsing her rotten crotch across the screen for 90 minutes nearly sent the cheese into convulsions just thinking about it.

Here's a tip Hollywood, just because some attractive "actress" is in a hit TV show does not mean that she should be in movies. Let us remember that for every George Clooney, there are 100 David Carusos.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Excuse me sir, can you spare a cup of Middle Class?

Saturday, sparked on by a desire to buy clothes for the Princess, the cheese and momma cheese headed over to the Robinsons-May at the Brea Mall. In case you hadn't heard, Federated, who owns Macy, Robinons-May, etc. has decided to close a number of various stores throughout the country. This means that, right now, at the Brea store everything is discounted.

Not surprisingly, the store was packed with glinty-eyed shoppers looking to find a deal, and sullen faced employees no doubt counting the days to their final pay checks. The cheese likes a bargain as much as the next guy, but both he and momma cheese were overwhelmed by the feeling of depression and sadness overwhelming the place.

It struck the cheese, too, how retail companies over the last several years are attempting to reposition themselves. On the one had, you Wal-mart and Target. Basically, places that drive business on the idea of "low price points" and, not coincidently, paying low wages and generally treating employees like disposable toilet paper. Then, you have on the opposite end of the spectrum the "high-priced" brand stores; Bloomingdales, Nieman Marcus, etc. These places attract, by the very products they sell, only "upper class" (by definition of income) clientele.

For many years, though, there seem to exist a number of retailers who existed solidly in the middle range of this spectrum; Mervyns, Macy's, Robinsons-May, Montgomary Ward, Nordstrom. Certainly, there was a variety of price points/products within the "middle" stores, but essentially they catered to the middle class.

It seems over the last decade, though, that these middle stores are slowly going the way of the buffalo. Montgomary Ward no longer exists. Robinsons-May is being phased out. Sears has been bought by K-Mart (and Mervyns is likewise owned by Target). And others seem to be migrating to the opposite ends of the spectrum. Nordstrom, and Macy's, for instance are both going through brand identification/product shifts so that they are more in competition with Bloomingdales, which will necessarily alienate their lower-middle class customers.

But the cheese sees this as more indicative of a culture shift in the American population, than strictly in the realm of department stores. The cheese, for instance, lives in Orange County CA. Now, this isn't exactly a great place to use as a litmus test for the nation, but there are, nevertheless, disturbing trends that take place here. It is now, and has always been, a roughly middle to upper-middle class county. Yes, there are lower to lower-middle class portions, but that's the case everywhere. But over the last few years it seems that people are no longer happy with the middle, or even, upper-middle class designation. This seems particularly the case with younger (the cheese is talking even as young as 13 or so) citizens in the OC. Just walk through any mall on a weekend and you're bound to see countless teenage girls carrying 300 dollar handbags, wearing Dolce and Gabana sunglasses, and carrying around chihuahua's just like Paris Hilton.

Middle class, like lower class (or even liberal), has somehow become a stigmatizing label. It seems that everybody wants to be Carrie Bradshaw, but no one wants to be the Brady Brunch(the cheese is talking socio-economically here people). Maybe it's worse here, where there seems to be more H3 Hummers per capita than literate 16 year olds, but the cheese has a stinking suspicion that it's a trend throughout the country.

The sad fact is, this *ahem* democracy was built on the blue collar (both conservative and liberal) backs of the working middle class; with some white collar thrown in for flair! We can't all be rich, and honestly, why would we all want to be? But as the middle class slowly withers and dies (just like the moderates, everything in the middle must go!) you can bet your 300 dollar Ipod that the country will wither and die too. The cheese is hoping that when this experiment we like to call the USA is finally over and done with we'll go back to the days of the Roman empire. You really knew where you stood with those guys.

Friday, April 21, 2006

And momma cheese wonders why the cheese wants to become a British citizen.

And there is precedence for it. Seriously, just look at T.S. Eliot. And, England happens to be home of the 2nd greatest sports franchise in world history (the first, of course, being located in a little place the cheese likes to call Chavez Ravine).

More importantly, though, the English aren't saddled to some document written 200+ years ago, whose core tenants are being slowly widdled away by politicians claiming to want to protect said document.

And sure, the cheese ain't a right leaning guy, but's his opinion of the "big" party on the left is little better.

Plus, in England, they deep fry (OK, that place is in NY, but the guy IS English, plus, the cheese has yet to see a decent cone of fries stateside) just about anything!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

What is the most interesting topic in the news?

The cheese was listening to misc. morning radio show #1 this morning as they were talking about the new *ahem* child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. This inevitably led to a discussion of the paparazzi/lack of privacy for celebrities. Now, obviously, the cheese don’t have photographers hanging out in his trash to get a blurry photo of Her Majesty once she comes along, so maybe he can’t speak on this topic with much credibility. But there is one thing he knows…the law of supply and demand is alive and well.

Now, the cheese isn’t talking about a, hey I’m naked and could use some clothes/homeslice’ll pay for those clothes type of supply and demand. This isn’t the purely commodified ideal that we in the west like to call ‘capitalism.’ Well, it is sorta, but in a much more subtle and ethereal way.

Let’s start with the supply part. The celebrities have something that they feel people should pay for, whether it be a movie, TV show, album, DVD, exercise tape, personalized sock line, or hi-priced colonic. The celebrities are dependant, like all merchants, on the people (the mass, ugly ocean of American culture) actually forking over the cash for that colonic with Jennifer Aniston’s face and seal of approval on it (as a side note, here’s the cheese’s favorite piece of Jennifer Aniston info). But, there’s a lot more going into the production of that straight to video DVD or personalized sock line than just the stars themselves. There’s directors, producers, crew, catering, assistants, darners, and quality control people. It’s a whole damn universe unto itself!

As a completely unrelated aside, the cheese is writing this while watching a film in class, and Candace Bergin was pretty damn hot when she was young.

Anyway, just like the stars themselves, these hardworkin’ SOB’s want to get paid too. They ain’t getting seven and eight figure checks, but they need to buy their cereal, yo. So, all these people, all this effort goes into making a DVD. And, there won’t be any MORE DVD’s unless some of those in the “unwashed masses” go out and by this one.

Now we’re getting into the demand side of things. See, there’s a whole lot of supply, but maybe not so much demand. Well, how in the hell do you get someone to buy a home enema of questionable quality that nobody wants? Stick Tom Cruise’s stupid smiling face on the cover (and, you know, you could simply substitute the enema with any shit Tom Cruise movie you want). Now here’s where it starts to get ‘crazy’ (though not “gay man jumping on a couch professing love for some woman that he ‘interviewed’ to be his girlfriend” crazy). See, no one really cares about Tom Cruise. Not really. But people do care about TOM CRUISE, the idea of the motherfucker. You know, the idea that this guy, because of talent, hard work, or whatever, gets to live a life that the rest of us in the ugly ocean can only dream about. We want to be him, or live vicariously through him. And how do we get to live vicariously through his dumb ass, through shit like this.

And that’s where the demand (and money for the entire entertainment apparatus) is generated folks.

Say what you will; celebrities have no privacy, paparazzi have no morals, blah, blah, blah. But if the paparazzi completely went away tomorrow, then a whole lot less people would see That Movie with Jennifer Aniston/Clive Owen Part II (and not that many people saw the first one). The paparazzi do more to create demand for what the celebrities supply than anything else. And yeah, their methods may not be the most admirable. The cheese would probably get right annoyed if homeboys with cameras were always frontin’ up in his grill. But, then again, to garner that much attention the cheese’s bank account would be much fatter than it is now. Money might not buy you love, but the cheese is willing to bet it helps you rent happiness and tranquility.

The fact of the matter is, everyone has problems. For some, it’s finding good childcare or paying the credit card bills, for others it’s what to wear to the premiere or trying not to get photographed while buying lettuce at Albertson’s. And that, to the cheese, is what’s most annoying about celebrities whining about the paparazzi. You knew the rewards and difficulties when you got into the gig, and now that you’ve made it you want to change the rules because NOW you think it’s unfair. Well, guess what ass, life’s unfair to everyone. But most of us don’t have millions of dollars, villas on lakes in Italy, or a line of ass deodorants bearing our names and likenesses.




P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, the cheese thought he should mention that, though this post is going up today, Thursday, it was actually written last night.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A few things to remember

1. If you're mildly annoying, young (anybody under the age of 25), and think you might "know" a lot about the world, please don't engage the cheese in conversation. It doesn't matter if we happen to be in the same class, have the same employer, or are stuck in the same line at the grocery store. The cheese does not want to hear your opinions on the news, your favorite authors, or anything even remotely related to astrology.

2. If you want to get some obscure tarot book that was published 20 motherfuckin' years ago, don't walk into a small, mall attached chain bookstore and expect it to be hanging out on the shelf. And if you "need it today" then get in your time machine and go back four weeks and order it off Amazon, you morone! Oh...what's that...you don't have a time machine. Well, then maybe you can channel some spirits to help you materialize one up from another plane of existence.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Do you know what the best thing about grad. school?

Free access to online scholarly journal archives. Seriously, do you know how expensive it would be to access this stuff if the cheese weren't a student...well, do you? The answer is expensive. And since the cheese has problems finding money to buy lunch, he certainly wouldn't be able to browse the MLA Bibliography. Then again, if he weren't in graduate school he wouldn't need to access this crap...

Friday, April 14, 2006

You know what's disconcerting?

Seeing old professors, whom you remember having always worn a tie and dress slacks, in jean shorts and a baseball hat. The cheese supposes that people have the right to go about their daily lives and what not. But they shouldn't do it around him. He has very fixed images of people in his mind and has trouble processing any information that might run counter to said images. Also, he has a serious problem with adapting to new relationship roles....isn't that right DR. THOMSEN.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Life will never be the same

While the cheese has so far been able to resist the lure of the MMORPG that may not be the case forever...

Of course, with her majesty on the way, who can say how much time the cheese will have for such endeavors.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

An opinion from the left

Historically this form has not been a place for the cheese to air opinions/thoughts about political issues. But after this, this, and especially this
the cheese felt that something had to be said.

Now whoever you are, if your in the cheese' age bracket (mid to late 20's) or older you probably have a very strong opinion on our former president Clinton. And while the cheese isn't going to write a long treatise about the man or his presidency, he simply wants to make some comments.

Clinton, you may remember, was impeached for getting a bj in the oval office and lying about it.

Politicians are, as a species, inherently dishonest. It's part and parcel of the job/calling. But there necessarily exists a difference of degrees. And while one can make the argument that immorality is immorality, the cheese finds it hard to believe that one president can be impeached for what was essentially an affair in his private life (and didn't much concern anyone other than himself, his mistress, and his wife), and another president can illegally wire tap AMERICAN citizens and then have the arrogance to be SHOCKED that some people might be upset about it.

And, sure it's a post-9/11 world. The cheese understands this. But, if the way in which we combat our enemies undermines the values we've held dear for 200+ years, then we aren't actually winning any war.

Lastly, the cheese would simply like to make a comparison. Germany, during the 1930's was a country in turmoil, and many Germans were looking for something to "rescue" them from the state their country was in. Hitler, in a brilliantly political fashion, filled this void, and by so doing swayed many intelligent and otherwise right thinking individuals into following his doctrine and policies.

Fear (of Jews, Communists, Terrorists, or whatever) is the fascist's strongest and most subtle weapon. While the cheese is not calling Bush the next Hitler, certain parallels are nevertheless hard to ignore. The cheese continues to hold out that the American voting population will wake itself from this self-imposed stupor of the last few years. Indeed, Bush's continually flagging poll numbers seem to point to the fact that this might already be happening.

And as a parting thought the cheese would just like to say, thank god for the 22nd Amendment.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A New Day has Dawned in Cheeselandia!

Greetings faithful followers!

You'll notice that the population here in the land of the cheese is slowly growing. It has come to the cheese's attention that our numbers have become stagnant, and this is not good. For the greater glory of our beautiful domain it has been decided, then, to increase our number tenfold (or some amount that is more than the old amount).

First among the new initiates are ryan-kilroy and momma_cheese, but soon many will come! And therefore, as loyal citizens, you too must go out and spread the gospel of the cheese. Men, women, children, dogs, all are a blessing unto the cheese (except for scientologists, they're just fuckin' CRAZY!). For whosoever is touched by the cheese, surely that man is blessed!