the big cheese

They should have used Buddy Christ

2008-02-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

This just made me laugh

2008-01-11T18:35:00.000-08:00

Turn signals on a Landraider

2007-12-17T10:38:00.000-08:00

Now if only the empire could really do this.

just plain bored

2007-11-12T14:35:00.000-08:00

Now can you immagine having that covering your entire desktop?

Map of the Green Valley lake slide fire

2007-10-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

This was last updated yesterday but I'd like to note it anyway. The red is stuff that burned, the blue lines are the houses confirmed as okay. While the white lines denote that the firefighters haven't made it there, and they don't know yet.

Great conversations of the Day

2007-10-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

Conversation #1

Employee #1 "ts all your fault."

Employee #2 "It couldn't have been me."

Employee #1 "How isn't it your fault?"

Employee #2 " Because I'm too lazy to have done it."

Conversation #2

Employee #1 "Bah, Killograms!! How many pounds are in a killogram?"

Employee #2 "I don't know let me think about it."

Me "Sheeze, one killogram is roughly equal to 2.2 pounds."

Employeese #1 & 2 "How did you know that?"

Me "Its the kind of thing you learn in high school physics."

Employee #1 "Oh"

Employee #2 "Well then, how many killograms is a 180 pounds?"

Me "About 90 killograms."

Employee #1 "No, it should be about 360 killograms."

Me "How did you figure that?"

Employee #1 "Oh, I was multipling, no wonder I was always loosing money!!"

Thank God this show is gone

2007-10-22T15:52:00.000-07:00

Viva Laughlin is gone!!!

hmm, did these people came from the future?

2007-10-01T23:40:00.000-07:00

From a RJ Q&A see post below

Question:

After reading a book like Misery by Stephen King I think that I would be terrified to be a writer. What has been your creepiest experience with a fan?

Robert Jordan Answers:

I haven’t had any creepy experiences with fans unless you count the bikers who came to a signing after hearing a rumor – untrue -- that I was in very bad health and threatened to desecrate my grave if I died before finishing the books. That was a little on the odd side, especially since they looked as if they might desecrate graves for a hobby. On the whole, my fans seem to be pretty sane. No freeze dried cats as presents. No requests for autographs in blood. Oh, a few women have volunteered to have my baby, but that’s a whole different thing.

And there was much sadness

2007-09-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

To all that have read the Wheel of Time series Robert Jordan has passed away from a very rare blood disease September 16th.

The first hive city I mean Arcology

2007-08-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

The X-Seed 4000 is the tallest building ever fully envisioned, meaning that the designs for construction have been completed. However, due to excessive projected costs, the structure has not been constructed.

Its proposed 4 kilometer (13,123 foot) height, 6 kilometre wide sea-base, and 800 floor capacity could accommodate five hundred thousand to one million inhabitants.

It was designed for Tokyo, Japan by the Taisei Corporation in 1995[1] as a futuristic environment combining ultra-modern living and interaction with nature.[2]

Unlike conventional skyscrapers, the X-Seed 4000 would be required to actively protect its occupants from considerable air pressure gradations and weather fluctuations along its massive elevation. Its design calls for the use of solar power to maintain internal environmental conditions.

A sea-based location and a Mount Fuji shape are some of this building's other major design features — the real Mount Fuji is land-based and is 3.8 kilometers in height, nearly 213 m (700 feet) shorter than X-Seed 4000.

Some estimate that the cost to construct the X-Seed 4000 structure may be somewhere between US$300-900 billion, in current dollars.

I doubt this will work just from a stable geography point of view of Japan.

This time for real.

2007-08-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

OK, the cheese is willing to admit when he's wrong...or in this case, premature. But now, really, NOW, go check out this site. It's a work in progress that you're benevolent overlord's alter ego is, um, working on.

So go NOW!

Guess, I'm some kinda of crazy robot thingy

2007-08-01T16:22:00.000-07:00

Get Your Cyborg Name

Behold and kneel in love and fear!

2007-07-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

The day has finally come faithful citizens, the day you have all been awaiting anxiously (even if, ahem, you didn't know you were awaiting it).

Bow down in reverence before the glory of

NORMALITY RESTORED

Harry Potter is DEAD!

2007-07-25T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe not dead in the "he's died" way...but the series is over (though Rowling said recently, when asked if she would ever write another HP book, "never say never").

So the cheese wonders what all you faithful citizens thought of "Deathly Hallows." Your benevolent overlord will expound his opinion down yonder, so look away if you haven't finished it yet....

Let's start with the deaths. The cheese has to admit that he suspected Lupin was going to bite the dust, and at least one of the Weasleys. So, no shocks there. Once it became clear that Tonks was pregnant, the cheese really didn't think she would go also, but that heartless Rowling likes to kill of sets of parents, apparently. As for Mad-Eye, can't say it was a big surprise, although coming so early in the book it really set the tone for the rest of the novel. As for Dobby, well, that might have been one of the biggest shocks in the whole series...and possibly the saddest moment.

And what about Snape? Well, it wasn't that big of a shock. Perhaps the mode of his death, bitten by Nagini, was a good twist. But everyone and his brother knew that Snape was good, probably had been in love with Harry's mom, and would do something important to help Harry in the last installment. Rowling did a good job of fulfilling those expectations, but then moving beyond them. Sure lot's of people figured Snape was in love with Lily, but who guessed they knew each other before Hogwarts, that Snape was the one to tell Lily of her true power, that they would be "best friends" even while at Hogwarts? And reflecting back on the series, Rowling played the balance of Snape wanting to protect Harry against Snape's anguish that Harry was Lily's child from another man (one whom Snape despised) really well. And Snape becomes, as one might expect, a fairly empathetic character. And what Harry says about him at the close of the book is true. Snape was damn courageous. Not only for what he did for the Order, but to come to Dumbledore in the first place. Really, even if you had doubts about Snape, once you found out his punishment to Neville, Luna and Ginny (for trying to steal the fake sword of Gryffindor) was to send them into the forbidden forest with Hagrid, well, come on, Harry and Malfoy had the same punishment when they were FIRST YEARS!

And Dumbledore....here, really was Rowling's masterstroke. The background and history on Dumbledore was necessary. If all we had ever seen of him was the wise, venerable, and caring old sorcerer of the first books then he'd have, essentially, been just a plot device with a soothing voice. But we see a real man, one of immense power who struggled in his youth to properly understand and harness his power. One who, in immaturity, caused loss had to deal with the outcome of his actions for his whole life. It's nice because, like every other character in the books, Dumbledore is portrayed just as humanly as Harry or anyone else. In book Six, we were given a peek into Voldemort's past, and those things that helped to shape him, and book Seven gives the same look into Dumbledore. What you realize, though, is that Rowling is championing every individual's choices as what sets one person as good or evil. Dumbledore could have easily turned into Grindelwald or Voldemort, but he chose to be a teacher instead. And we sympathize with Harry's anger at Dumbledore. We want our heroes, especially those like Dumbledore, to be good and pure and perfect, and we are quick to anger when they fail to meet our expectations, but Harry, by the story's end, comes to the realization that the best anyone can do is try and do what they believe is right.

All in all, Rowling is an engaging writer, and the book read well. In fact, the action was so strong in this one, that it seemed to read even faster than the shorter novels. And while much of it was predictable it ended, really, in the only way it could.

Wizard Rock

2007-07-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while something comes along that restores the cheese small faith in humanity...and with the impending Harry Potter Pandemonium set to be released on the mass populace at 12:01 AM Saturday (local time), the cheese' introduction to Wizard Rock couldn't have come at a more appropriate time.

Special thanks to Gilgrim (wait...you don't know Gilgrim well, shit ladies, go find out) for the tip, list, and assorted synopses...

"WRock Awesomeness

Tom Riddle And Friends

http://www.myspace.com/tomriddleandfriends
well harmonized acoustic pseudo-folk

The Weird Sisters (aka Switchblade Kittens)

http://www.myspace.com/theweirdsisters
Shroud flavored uptempo, bass/keyboard heavy darkwave –old school electro-pop-goth. Very well produced and mastered (tone similar to Dressy Betsy).

theTonks

http://www.myspace.com/thetonks
Folk, acoustic female band with well trained and controlled vocals – and nice arrangements. Mellow, and polished.

The Remus Lupins

http://www.myspace.com/theremuslupins
Indie – folk – pop, with digital/early electro influences. Voice reminiscent of early Nim Vind.

The Hufflepunks

http://www.myspace.com/hufflepunx
Old school pop-punk with influences from two-tone, the specials and some early Oingo and random Gnarles Barkley and hip-hop influences (read: Beck).

The Hinky Punks

http://www.myspace.com/hinkypunx
indie-folk-accoustic / emo. Early, early Weezer tones and feedback electric guitar. Melodies reminiscent of early Deathcab.

Ginny and the HeartBreakers

http://www.myspace.com/ginnyandtheheartbreakers
Lo-fi Le Tigre influenced acoustic punk with indie electro influences. Bonus points for making ref to Daniel Radcliffe’s performance in La Equis.

The Fizzing Whizbees

http://www.myspace.com/thefizzingwhizbees
Punk lo-fi inspired, male version of Le Tigre with more acoustic stylings and a folk sensibility in the lyrics.

The Cruciatus Curse

http://www.myspace.com/thecruciatus
Listed as metal but much closer to mid-year industrial and a light version of Acumen Nation. Goth influenced, pop-industrial, with a bent to more old-school electronica.

Severely Snaped

http://www.myspace.com/severelysnapedwizardrock
Classic rock influenced metal/hard rock. Pulling musical stylings and their visual presence from the darker side of the early-mid seventies rock scene – some obvious influences from early goth acts like Christian Death with some Judas and Maiden thrown in for fun.

Roonil Wazlib

http://www.myspace.com/roonilwazlibrock
Accoustic –solo-guitar-comedic-folk. Female vocalist, 90’s era coffee-shoppe bo-ho pseudo-hippie/fem-rock natural sounding vocals and interesting timber. (Voted best new artist 2007- Wizrocklopedia People’s Choice Awards)

Remus and the Lupins

http://www.myspace.com/remusandthelupins
Pop-experimental electro influenced. Heavy voice modulation, basic, but consitent and light-hearted programming showing some influences from very late 70’s early 80’s arrangements by electric bands like Manheim Steam Roller. (from UK)

Ginny and the Weasleys

http://www.myspace.com/hermioneandthegrangers
Ecclectic weirdness as the first ‘virtual band’ in Wrock (inspired by the Gorilllaz) with all songs from Ginny’s perspective (female vocalist) – bizarre range of synth sounds similar to Stephanie / early mid 80’s idol pop from Japan.

Bella and the Death Eaters

http://www.myspace.com/bellaandthedeatheaters
Accoustic folk-emo – two female vocalists with guitar accompaniment. Untrained vocals and melodies – mixed bag…

Potter and the Lightning Bolts

http://www.myspace.com/potterandthelightningbolts
Pop-punk rock, with polished production, lo-fi garage sound and good arrangements with variations towards acoustic/comedy-folk.

The Quidditch Pitch Incident

http://www.myspace.com/thequidditchpitchincident
Accoustic reverse white-stripes dynamic with female lead vocalist, arrangements closer to Dressy Betsy/Le Tigre – lo-fi recording and mastering, perhaps purposefully awkward(?).

Dobby and the House Elves

http://www.myspace.com/dobbyandthehouseelves
Electronic influenced pop-rock. Well arranged, decently produced. Lyrics and melodies are reminiscent of folk (Simon and Garfunkle) and early hip-hop (Grandmaster Flash / Blondie) mixed with a range spreading from early electronica and funk heavy 70’s disco/modern house and Moby/Fatboy Slim. Voice modulated for elfish quality.

The Fleur Delacours

http://www.myspace.com/thefleurdelacours
Le Tigre inspired female–indie-avante punk, smashed with plenty of cowbell, garage recording, and energy.

Mostly Muggles

http://www.myspace.com/mostlymuggles
Garage rock influenced jam-rock band. Stylings vary from old-school rock/blues and rockabilly to jam-styled 70’s garage with super lo-fi recording and production.

Draco and the Malfoys

http://www.myspace.com/dracoandthemalfoysusa
Similar to a slower more acoustic/basic electric version of They Might Be Giants.

Dumbledork

http://www.myspace.com/dumbleeedork
Lo-fi electronica/experimental. Well produced, breakbeat influences and solid electro-clash, with some more progressive and industrial flourishes, reminiscent of Psychic TV. Very nicely produced, mostly instrumental- some arrangements sound like earl john carpenter or Goblin scores.

DJ Luna Lovegood

http://www.myspace.com/djlovegood
Experimental –electro-heavy punk-folk. Well arranged, with some early goth smatterings. Ecclectic mixes with guitar – electric/acoustic, bass and samples.

Voldemort – Wizard Metal

http://www.myspace.com/voldemorttruemetal
Basic metal inspired – pseudo horror punk comedy act.

The Mudbloods

http://www.myspace.com/mudbloods
Well polished indie-folk with electric overtones. Good arrangements and melodies, vocals reminiscent of Deathcab.

Death Eaters Anon

http://www.myspace.com/deatheatersanon
Comedic similar to Doctor Demento. Eclectic hodge-podge some influences ranging from Swithblade Symphony and Rasputina.

Sir Nick

http://www.myspace.com/nearlyheadlessnick
Electronica, sample heavy, experimental, not always well arranged or mixed, more underground DIY, obvious loops from Acid. Uneven, but with some promise, with the more ethereal songs.

For more Wizard Rock goodness - http://wizardrock.org/"

allofmp3.com We Hardly Knew Ye

2007-07-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

So sometime around the 2nd of July the cheese favorite music site, allofmp3.com went down. The same thing happened last May, though the site made it back up. This time, though, it appears that the Russian government pulled the plug.

In case you don't know what allofmp3 is/was, the cheese'll break it down for you.

The average cost of a single music track on itunes is .99 cents, and an album is 9.99. Now, allofmp3 would sell tracks for .15 cents (yeah, that right FIFTEEN CENTS) and albums for around 3 or 4 dollars. The really great thing about allofmp3, though, was the options. You could buy a track for fifteen cents, but that might be a 128 kb bitrate, or you could spend fifty cents on 256 kb track, etc. And you weren't only limited to mp3's, they had something like 7 different file type options. Also, they didn't put and DMR encoding on any of their tracks, so once you downloaded a track, it was yours forever. The best thing about it, though, was that since the company was operated out of Russia, they had a lot of music from outside the US, specifically from Europe and England. So you weren't stuck with the crap you hear on suck-ass US radio.

Now, allofmp3 was a Russian company, and operated legally within Russian copyright law. Of course, because these laws are unsavory to both the RIAA and major US recording companies (read: doesn't pay out enough), the RIAA has, for three years, put pressure on the Russian government to shut down allofmp3. They even went so far as filing a 1.64 trillion (yes, trillion with a t) dollar law suit against allofmp3 in NY (a response by an executive at allofmp3's parent company went something like, "they're free to do what they want, but it seems pointless for them to sue us in New York when we operate legally in Russia").

Of course, now the site is down, and will probably not be back. There are similar sites that operate in Russia, and while some offer similar pricing, none have the same huge catalog or as many options as allofmp3 had.

The real sad thing, though, is how much the whole episode illuminates just how out of touch media companies are. Allofmp3 had a huge following of people who would have otherwise just gotten their music illegally (and, freely, the cheese might add), but had no problem paying for stuff at allofmp3. By forcing allofmp3 to go down, the RIAA simply made this large group of people even more pissed about having to pay for content. Rather than actually working with the Russian government, allofmp3 itself, and the artists to find a reasonable compromise that would allow allofmp3 to continue to operate (even if it was at a small price increase), the RIAA decided to be a bunch of dicks.

At some point, the media companies will understand that the old business models no longer work. Digital media/the internet requires that these companies approach royalties and copyright in fundamentally different ways. Obviously, the companies do not want to face the truth, but eventually, after so much money lost on frivolous legal expenditures, they'll figure it out.

Until then, the cheese is going back to bit torrent...or, he would if he had internet at home right now.

From Gabe at PA

2007-07-11T14:42:00.001-07:00

This whole Pokemon leveling thing really reminds me of Chocobo breeding in FF7.

Thanks to everyone who mailed me their Pokemon tips. Every single person who mailed me stressed the importance of EV's and proper EV training over just about everything else. I was given some great links and spent a good chuck of the day yesterday reading everything I could about them.
I'm thirty years old now, and I've been playing games for more than twenty of those. I've seen some real bullshit in all that time and EV's are right up their towards the top of the list. As far as I can tell this is how they work. If your Pokemon fights another Pokemon that's really fast for example, it earns a point towards it's speed Effort Value (EV). For every four of these points that you get your Pokemon will gain one more point to it's speed stat when it levels up. Now each Pokemon awards EV's for different stats and some give points for multiple stats. The problem is that these EV's are invisible and limited. So there's only a certain number of them that a single Pokemon can take advantage of and there's no way to track them in game. I got tips like "create a spreadsheet for each of your Pokemoin with rows for all their stats and manualy enter any EV's they get..."
Create a spreadsheet?
Then I started reading about IV's and I saw this shit:
Now that I've showed how much they can affect stats, let's grab the equation for determining a Pokemon's Individual Value. Keep in mind that this is NOT for Hit Points. That has its own equation.
IV = ((Math.Ceiling(Stat / Personality Value) - 5) * 100 / Level Value ) - 2 * Base Stat – Effort Points / 4
Are you fucking serious? I never got past algebra. All I want to do is show people my Pokemons, not build a Goddamn time machine!
So I started digging into serebii.net yesterday and I got my first glimpse at just how far this rabbit hole goes. I told myself I wasn't going to fall into it but I ended up spending the morning trying to acquire a new Chimchar with the preferred "jolly" nature. Once I'd done that I spent the afternoon EV training him on Ponytas and Machamps. I'm telling you this not because I am proud but because I need help. Someone needs to stop me before I start doing long division to figure out what kind of fucking berry I should feed my shittlesaur.

Yet another reason why cheeselandia may, one day, relocate to the British Isles...

2007-07-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

What the hell is it about pasty white English folk making horribly catchy-ass electronic style musik?

Remember Fatboy Slim?

Well, what about The Streets...

(see how Dave has NO idea who he's introducing...and nice self-censorship by Mr. Skinner)

And everyone's favorite drunken British girl, Lily Allen...

But now all you faithful citizens can add a new artist to those you adore, Scroobius Pip!

Another Potter Prediction

2007-06-27T12:54:00.000-07:00

Here's another idea about how book seven will end. This is theory only and has no grounding in any knowledge of the seventh book.

Keith Olbermann at msnbc has pieced together his own theory of how the book ends. He bases a lot of it on financial concerns, but his final theory incorporates a lot of my own theories and put a spin on it I hadn't thought of. Here it is:

(I'll put a little space in here in case you don't really want to spoil the ending.)

So why not this ending? Harry eliminates all but one of Voldemort’s horcruxes. The dark lord’s life is now reduced to this undulating welt on Harry’s own forehead. To kill Voldemort, Harry must kill himself and is about to, as millions of readers recoil in horror and anger, when who steps out of the shadows but Snape to explain to Harry that there is another way that the last horcrux, Harry’s scar, can be removed, but at one dreadful price. Harry can survive it, but his magical skills cannot. To finally vanquish Voldemort, save Hogwarts and Hermione and Ron, and, in fact the magical world, to say nothing of the J.K. Rowling franchise for decades and generations to come, Harry Potter must give up being a wizard.

So what do we all think?

What to look for when buying a house

2007-06-22T17:59:00.001-07:00

Harry Potter end revealed....

2007-06-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Or maybe this guy just has his head up his ass. It's hard to understand exactly what he says since, apparently, hackers no longer feel the need to use any semblance of intelligible language, but the gist of it is.....

don't read further if you don't want spoilers....

you're still reading......

maybe these are crap.....

maybe not.....

anyway, Snape kills Hagrid, Voldemort kills Hermoine (who dies to save Ron) and then Ron (possibly, again it's hard to understand this guys synopsis), and Harry ultimately kills Snape and Voldemort.

Seems reasonable enough to the cheese, except the Hermoine thing...well Rowling has said before that she's a lot more "vulnerable" (her exact word) then most people think...so maybe the guy did get something right here. Of course Bloomsbury and Scholastic deny the claims...only time will tell.

Warhammer Forge of War

2007-06-19T18:12:00.000-07:00

Warhammer: Forge of War #1
Written By Dan Abnett and Ian EdgintonIllustrated by Tommy CastilloCover by Adrian SmithVariant covers by Tommy Castillo and Imaginary Friends Studio
From the wind-scoured North they’ve come: THE HORDES OF CHAOS, ruthless warriors raised in battle and fanatically devoted to their dark gods. On a hundred-mile front across the Northern fringes of the Empire, the defenses of man and his dwarf allies are crumbling, fear threatens to become panic, and the blood of martyrs runs ankle-deep. Here begins the hopeless quest of a ramshackle band led by a mere Greatsword Sergeant – if, of course, they don’t kill each other first…

This looks to be a 6 book series.

First Thing...

2007-06-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

The cheese just really likes this picture...

And two....have you figured out how to log back in yet Suavo?

Casa de Cheese

2007-06-12T07:56:00.000-07:00

Where all faithful citizens can find refuge and succor.

Wasn't expecting to buy a new vehicle but here goes

2007-06-11T18:19:00.000-07:00

And just about every option know to mankind.

Obi-wan is Hardcore

2007-06-05T11:19:00.000-07:00

After riding a motocycle from London to New York, Ewan Mcgregor is at it again. This time he's riding from Scotland to Cape Town, South Africa on a motorcycle. You can track his progress on the bbc website and also read blog posts of the trip as well.

Two things

2007-05-30T00:09:00.000-07:00

First off, the cheese commends exsulis on his use of the cheeselandia national flag.

Secondly, the cheese is getting rid of a bunch of old PC games...if anyone wants them, the cheese suggests they come by his house tomorrow (or today, Wednesday, since it's now after midnight) to peruse the titles, or else they're all going to the salvation army on Thursday.

Glass half full, or half empty

2007-05-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

"They're shot glasses. They're either full or empty. Anything else, and someone isn't trying."

To be the greatest X-wing pilot ever, you have to have...

2007-05-26T08:41:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Star Wars

2007-05-25T08:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know what else I can say but Happy Birthday Star Wars and thank you for the years of entertainment.

With the Cheese's permission, I would like to declare today to be a state holiday in the mighty kingdom of Cheeselandia. In celebration of the day, I would urge each citizen of this great land to watch at least one of the star wars movies today. If not that, then at least take the time to watch these brilliant parodies:

LFC

2007-05-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow, at around 11:30 AM (Pacific) the valiant club from Liverpool will, for the second time in three years, meet AC Milan in the European Champions League final. The cheese does not have to remind his faithful citizens that, last time, the Reds overcame a three goal half-time deficit to mark one of the most memorable comebacks in European history.

Even though LFC only managed a third place in the Premier League this season, this is a much better, and more importantly, deeper Liverpool squad then the one Rafa Benitez fielded two years ago. Three legitimate strike threats, in Crouch, Kuyt and Bellamy, are on the Reds roster, along with more than one (Harry Kewell) actual winger. The Reds defense hasn't been as dominant this term, but Pepe Reina is a much more stable presence between the sticks than Jerzy Dudek ever was. In part, the team LFC runs out will depend on whether or not Sissoko and Zenden are fit. Even still, the match may come down to the mid-field show down between our own wonder captain Steven Gerrard, and Milan's ridiculously dangerous Kaka.

Milan put in a real beat down on Man U in the semi's, so Liverpool will have to be focused. But the Reds have already topped Barcelona and Chelsea in this year's tournament, and something about these big European nights seem to bring the best out in the lads.

So join the cheese, won't you faithful citizens, and give your support to Liverpool.

The joke to get you killed, or beaten

2007-05-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case. 2. Remove your laptop. 3. Boot it. 4. Make sure the person who won’t leave you alone can see the screen. 5. Open your email client to this message. 6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky. 7. Then hit this link:

Cell phones are of the Devil

2007-05-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, maybe not so much but mine has finally melted down. After getting off the phone with a friend it decided to just go blank. Well it has been on for a while I'll just turn it off, and on again. Nope, still the white screen of death. Hmm, that didn't work so now its time to pull the battery, and see if that fixes the problem. Wow its 12/31/1999 on the cover, and the white screen of death. Maybe the store can help me out. Sorry, we need to contact an authorized agent for the plan so your out of luck since its after hours. :( Damn you phone, and all I want is the address book stored on you!!!

Jerry Falwell: Dead

2007-05-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

Can’t say as the cheese is particularly sad, really. In the grand scheme of things, death is sad, sure. And there are, no doubt, family members and what not who are terribly saddened by the death of Falwell, but...well...this is the guy who said shit like...

(re: 9/11 attacks) "...throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools, the abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked and when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad...I really believe that the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who try to secularize America...I point the thing in their face and say you helped this happen."

Really? Huh...cause the cheese thought that it mostly came out of our “black ops” dealing with Mid-east countries in the 80’s (Iran, Afghanistan, etc.) and that we basically treated those people like our bitches and broke ALL of our promises to them

and...

"The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews”

Well, the cheese isn’t a member of the ACLU, but the last time he checked, they didn’t advocate the rounding up and systematic execution of all Christians, but maybe they recently put something on their website about it...

oh, and don’t forget...

“If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being”

Hmm...someone should pull Ghandi out of his grave and let him know...

Although, I have to disagree with Alan’s assertion that he should die twice...once seems sufficient for most everyone.

Best Video Ever

2007-05-15T06:58:00.000-07:00

Vegan couple sentenced to life over baby's death

2007-05-09T13:28:00.000-07:00

Well they finally got sentenced for this.

_______________________________________________________________

ATLANTA - A vegan couple were sentenced Wednesday to life in prison for the death of their malnourished 6-week-old baby boy, who was fed a diet largely consisting of soy milk and apple juice.

Superior Court Judge L.A. McConnell imposed the mandatory sentences on Jade Sanders, 27, and Lamont Thomas, 31. Their son, Crown Shakur, weighed just 3 1/2 pounds when he died of starvation on April 25, 2004.

The couple were found guilty May 2 of malice murder, felony murder, involuntary manslaughter and cruelty to children. A jury deliberated about seven hours before returning the guilty verdicts.

Defense lawyers said the first-time parents did the best they could while adhering to the lifestyle of vegans, who typically use no animal products. They said Sanders and Thomas did not realize the baby, who was born at home, was in danger until minutes before he died.

But prosecutors said the couple intentionally neglected their child and refused to take him to the doctor even as the baby’s body wasted away.

“No matter how many times they want to say, ‘We’re vegans, we’re vegetarians,’ that’s not the issue in this case,” said prosecutor Chuck Boring. “The child died because he was not fed. Period.”

Although the life sentences were automatic, Sanders and Thomas begged for leniency before sentencing. Sanders urged the judge to look past his “perception” of the couple.

“I loved my son — and I did not starve him,” she said.

When the judge told the defendants they could ask for a new trial, Thomas hung his head low.

“I’m dying every day in there,” he said, “and that could take three years.”

__________________________________________________________________________

The part that annoys me is where people are focusing on the Vegan lifestyle of the couple which isn't a issue in my mind as much as the shear stupidity of the couple.

Just had to share

2007-05-08T22:22:00.000-07:00

Sector Seven password - GRAVESEN

2007-05-03T12:51:00.000-07:00

From: Suppressed
Subject: Protocol HK9233
Date Recieved: May 1 2007 10:49 (MST)
To: S7 Department of Network Security

As of now, we're initiating protocol HK9233: no electronic correspondence. The protocol will remain in effect until you receive the all-clear. I'm sending out an e-mail from "the company" explaining the shutdown to our "customers."

Simmons
The email sent out to "customers" is:

From: S7 security
To Whom It May Concern:

Due to the increased e-mails, as well as the intrusions into our proprietary
systems, our work here at Sector Seven has been slowed to a crawl. We're
simply trying to finish our newest computer game software on time, and yet
we continue to be inundated with strange queries and comments regarding
something called "N.B.E.s" and someone known as "Agent X." We have no idea
to whom or to what these terms refer.

As a result of this continuing drain on our resources, we're being forced to
shut down our e-mail system for the foreseeable future. Any e-mail sent to
us will bounce back. In addition, we're freezing our internal systems until
we can eliminate the "hackers" out there who think it's funny to screw
around with corporate networks.

If we can complete our work, we think you'll be very satisfied with the
result. Thanks for your patience.

The Staff of Sector Seven Industries

WTF??????

2007-05-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

File this news story under, "What the fuck is wrong with people?"

I saw this story on Mojo's newswire and I had to post it here and vent.

This Buckhead newborn didn't stand a chance.
By the time he saw a doctor, the 6-week-old, born at home, was dead. Fed a diet consisting largely of soy milk and apple juice by his vegan parents, the baby boy weighed just 3 1/2 pounds.
Fulton prosecutors say it's a chilling case of murder by starvation, a painful and prolonged death. Attorneys representing parents Jade Sanders, 27, and Lamont Thomas, 31, told jurors the first-time parents did the best they could while adhering to their vegan lifestyle. Vegans typically live free of animal products.
"They're not vegans, they're baby killers," Fulton prosecutor Mike Carlson told the jury Tuesday during his closing arguments.
"Think about how long they had to listen to his screams and hollers."
Thomas hung his head and appeared to nearly collapse on the defense table during
closing arguments, while Sanders sat next to him listening intently. The couple's attorneys claim the parents didn't realize their baby, named Crown, was in danger until minutes before he died.
Jurors began deliberations Tuesday. Prosecutors urged jurors to convict the parents of murder, which carries an automatic life sentence in prison. Defense lawyers told jurors the death is at most a case of involuntary manslaughter, reckless conduct that results in an unintentional death, punishable by up to one year in jail.

I understand being vegan, but I thought part of the point was not taking from animals "without permission." You would think that it would be okay to nurse because the mother is freely giving the milk. I would even go so far as to say that vegans might be okay with drinking human milk since it wasn't acquired through exploitation of the giver. Failing all that, you would think that if they are choosing to live a strict vegan lifestyle and raise their child in that lifestyle, then they would do a little research on how to do it safely. Plus you would think they would have thought something was wrong when their baby weighed less than half the average BIRTH weight. I don't have any kids but this just tears at me. It really makes one want to force all would be parents into to parenting classes with some sort of licensing exam at the end of it.

Because one blog isn't enough

2007-05-01T11:33:00.000-07:00

The cheese' alter ego, james, has begun posting to a blog. Entirely unlike the going's on here in cheeselandia, this blog can be found at here. May be of only mild interest to most of you faithful citizens, since very few of you have children, but you might want to head over there at some point to support a brotha!

Order of the Science Scouts of Exemplary Repute And Above Average Physique

2007-04-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Thanks Mojo for finding this!!!

not opposed to alcohol.
- fond of IPCC reports (especially the pictures).
- mostly in agreement with the "truth."
- into badges.
- grieving for the slow and miserable death of the Hubble Space Telescope.
- possibly possessed of supernatural powers.
- not in the business of total world domination
- committed to the constant and diligent presentation of science stories, be it to editors, producers, directors, educators, relatives and/or friends of various ilk, in an effort to lessen the gap that is this thing we call public scientific literacy.

and they have badges!

The "MacGyver" badge.
In which the recipient has demonstrated that his/her science communciation prowess was handy in simplifying a potentially challenging scenario. For example, was able to escape from unjustified prison term, with the clever use of a paper clip and WD-40. You know, that kind of thing. (Note that display of badge must be accompanied by explanation).

The "arts and crafts" badge.
Because you can't have a bunch of badges without an arts and crafts badge. This one assumes the recipient has all manner of "craftiness" with a sciencegeek twist.

The "I'm pretty confident around an open flame" badge.
Recipients have demonstrated proficiency around open flames in laboratory settings.

The "totally digs highly exothermic reactions" badge.
Might be best to keep an eye on such recipients.

The "I work with way too much radioactivity, and yet still no discernable superpowers yet" badge.
...Although not for lack of trying...

RELATED?

2007-04-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

This is a brief blub for a new show on adult swim:

• Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil: Lucy is living in San Francisco and dating a great new guy, who might just be the Second Coming. The only problem is that her dad always meddles in her life. And, since he’s Satan, he is using her relationship as an excuse to hasten the apocalypse. This previously announced series, created by Loren Bouchard, is set to debut this summer.

This almost sounds like something out of the chronicles. It's even set in San Fransisco, a city dear to the Cheese's heart.

My Personal Daemons

2007-04-25T10:58:00.000-07:00

The Empire Invaded

2007-04-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Hail friendly eastern neighbor. It is indeed trying times for you after taking a pounding from the forces of Chaos all those years ago, and the recent rediscovery of this magic crown that many have invaded your boarders to collect.

Recently, several of our port cities were ransacked by the vile undead of Khemri. Said forces of the dreaded Tomb King Setra the imperishable headed towards your lands. From what we can tell he is headed to Aldorf. We are pursuing this rable, and when we do we shall crush them under the many hooves of our horses. For this service we'll be annexing parts of Nordland, Reikland, and Wissenland.

Sector Seven memo

2007-04-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

The email:
From: Restricted
Subject: RE: Agent SU Information
Date Recieved: Apr. 6 2007 11:34 (MST)
To: S7 Department of Network Security

I received your forwarded message from Agent SU about X's recent activity to blow the lid off our cover on this public site. First Howard escapes, now this. Powers is really getting on my nerves. I don't care whose nephew he is. If he doesn't capture or neutralize Agent X ASAP, he's toast.

With regard to this web site buzznet.com/groups/stopsectorseven, we need to send our agents there to question and discredit every piece of evidence they find. Put out the word. X must be stopped one way or the other. Especially considering the reports I'm getting regarding Operation: Seek & Destroy.

Simmons

P.S. Let me know the second Power screws up again.

So Powers in trouble. Next mistake gets replaced (maybe occur when days lab safe goes to 0?). No idea who Agent SU is nor Simmons. Curious what Operation: Seek & Destroy is. Perhaps directly related to the Sector 7 presence in the movie. The mystery continues...

Seriously?

2007-04-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

Damn, exsulis are you ever bored! It took the cheese like 20 minutes to find his log-on for that damn thing...should probably just delete it anyway.

Syndication Biatch!

2007-04-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Click on the link and get all your updated cheeselandia news and happenings as them...um...happen.

Because Swearing Kids are Funny

2007-04-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

What do you get if you cross Will Ferrell and a swearing toddler? Well this.

As an addendum to the previous post...

2007-04-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

possibly the funniest thing to ever use both words and images...

And now for something a little lighter.

2007-04-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

Oh the cheese dreams of the day he can write even 1/8 as well as PA!

Imus fired, but Rosie still on the air

2007-04-13T06:39:00.000-07:00

With Imus being fired for an off the cuff, racially insensitive remark I once again get alarmed at the continued death of free speech. If you've listened to the transcripts of his show that morning concerning the Rutger's women team, he just made a poor mistake in words. Now, I'm no fan of Don Imus but hasn't Howard Stern or for that matter other radio celebrities said worse things with malicious intention? Also, how does Al Sharpton get to call himself a "Reverend"? Shouldn't that imply some form of forgiveness and willingness to accept a way to seek redemption? Yet, he goes on a holier than thou crusade to influence the firing of Imus from not only his televised MSNBC show, but from radio via CBS. Apparently, the good "reverend" has forgotten that Imus has a ranch for terminally ill children with his wife. Finally, why does Imus get fired, yet Rosie can continue on air even after this?

And yet the world continues on...

2007-04-11T22:50:00.000-07:00

The cheese admits that even though he has not read everything written by Kurt Vonnegut, the man still held a special place in the cheese' heart for being simultaneously funny, serious, fantastical, and utterly cynical in everything he did.

So, it would figure that, after a day in which the cheese was forced into a psuedo-confrontation with his stubborn ass of a father in law, he would then come home and in an attempt to wind down before bed spend a few minutes on the internet only to find that Kurt Vonnegut has died.

Honestly, there really aren't words.

This isn't nearly as shocking as when Douglas Adams (a notorious fitness freak who died of a heart attack at the age 49) passed. After all, Vonnegut did make it to the age of 84, and he even (half-heartedly) attempted suicide once.

But it's still one of those things that hits hard. Mostly because Vonnegut was one of the few writers the cheese ever felt a real kinship with. That's not the same as merely admiring or respecting someone. No, the cheese felt that he and Vonnegut were, basically (and this isn't an ego thing, really) of the same lineage, writing wise; skeptical comic fantasy (or sci-fi in Vonnegut's case) with just a hint of optimism. It's not like everyone writes that kind of thing, or, more importantly, are drawn to write that kind of thing.

So, here's to you Mr. Vonnegut (and Kilgore Trout, Billy Pilgrim, and all the rest). Hopefully you'll end up somewhere that doesn't let you down as often as this place did.

Sector Seven must be stopped

2007-04-10T12:43:00.001-07:00

Date: Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:18:12 -0700
Subject: StopSectorSeven
From: "X"
To: "X"
Agents:

I want to congratulate you on a successful beginning. I have seen your work and have been impressed. Especially with Master Fwiffo (who was the first to leak the Agent Weaving information) and takara83 (who was the first to join the evidence campaign), RisingDragon has also proved himself extremely valuable.

Now we must build on the foundation you've created. We need more. More evidence videos, photos, eyewitness accounts) and more dedicated crusaders to help expose Sector Seven. We can't win the information war if the public only listens to Sector Seven's lies. Just look at all the money they've already put into this counter-information campaign. Hundreds of millions. We don't have that kind of funding on our side. But we do have the truth, the will, and the technology to reach the entire free world. They may be able to silence some, but they cannot silence the entire world.

Sector Seven must be stopped. Spread the word.

And I just wanted to mention that we officially have a new ally in our struggle. I'm sure you'll all get to know her better in time.

X

Sector Seven

2007-04-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

You have been inside Sector Seven. Thanks to me.

You¹ve seen a glimpse of their secret agenda, but there is much, much more. Enough to fill every hard drive in China. It is imperative that these operations be exposed to the world. With every passing second, the chances for the survival of the human race steadily decline. The peoples of the Earth must know the truth.

I believe this Dr. Howard may prove useful to the cause. Her research into NBETWO gives me some hope that we may have allies somewhere out there. Unfortunately, we have no way of locating or contacting them at present.

I¹m afraid this cloak and dagger routine must continue for some time. For now, I ask only that you spread the word. They must change their ways. In the future, however, I may call on you to take more drastic measures. For those of you still loyal to Sector Seven, suck on it.

X marks the spot.

More thoughts on the racist sci-fi writer.

2007-04-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

The more the cheese thinks about it, the more he realizes that the whole "I hate black people" stuff isn't actually what bothers him. It's speech, and regardless of its contents, speech is free. In fact, the cheese has long advocated the creation a federally funded Television network called BBS, the Bigot Broadcasting System. Basically, the BBS is only allowed to broadcast bigoted themed shows of all kinds, racist, homophobic, misogynist, etc. The point is that, with so much air time, it will become absolutely clear how hugely ridiculous every kind of hate monger truly is.

But back to the matter at hand, this Ken Eng. As the cheese said, the actual hate speech doesn't bother him. In fact, it appears that the said "I hate black people" article was actually an editorial, which is supposed to be(in some grand, theoretical universe) a singular person's opinion. Not the opinion of a paper, or it's staff, janitors, what have you. And the paper in question openly decided to run a piece it clearly knew would cause an uproar, then went on to fire the writer once the backlash got too big. Hey, Asian Week, grow some balls and stick behind your racist or don't run his crap in the first place. In some ways, you gotta respect the KKK cause they always say what they believe, no matter how fucking stupid those beliefs may be.

And that, the cheese thinks, is the real problem. Speech isn't really free in this country. If the cheese threatened the president, for instance, he could be jailed. But even more disheartening is the fact that only the oddballs on the fringes of society can really say what they want anymore because they know they’re pissing people off anyway. The rest of us have watch what we say, tone down our words, water down our thoughts, so that we stay in the boundaries that keep us all “content” and “happy.”

Say what you will, but it’s the first slow plodding step on the road to fascism. So to combat this the cheese suggests all loyal citizens of cheeselandia post in the comments something you truly believe. If your belief happens to offend someone, so be it. We’re all adults here, the cheese thinks we can all take it. The cheese will start...

There isn't a single elected official in Washington (or Sacramento, or any state capital for that matter) that actually cares about you, the voter. They might claim high minded ideals, but every single one of them (liberal, conservative, "independent") are addicted to wielding power and influence, money, and status. They do what they do for personal reasons and would shit on your face if it were part of the gig.

Don't we all want to know

2007-04-04T10:27:00.000-07:00

how the "philosophy of Dragons: Lexicon Triumvirate" relates to being a racist? Although, after watching the video the cheese wonders if

A)Everything this guy wrote was total bullshit/sarcasm

or

B)He tried to create a controversy to drum up book sales.

Hey stranger things have happened than either of those two scenarios, and it seems odd that someone as seemingly insane as he is in the video could get a job at a reputable news outlet without there being something running in the subtext....the paper even let his by-line read "God of the Universe" for christ's sake!

Thanks to ever vigilant guys at Poor Mojo's Newswire for the vid!

MLB Part II

2007-04-04T09:03:00.000-07:00

And now for the cheese' AL predictions...

AL East
1. New York Yankees (ARod hit .290/35/121 in a "bad season," add to that greater pitching depth and a somewhat younger, and probably healthier, lineup and the Yanks will win their 10th! division crown in a row)
2. Boston Red Sox - Wild Card Berth (better rotation, upgraded lineup [though one can pray JD Drew goes down with a season ending injury] and Papelbon back in the bullpen will see the Bo'Sox back to the playoffs)
3. Toronto Blue Jays (poor Jay's fans, no matter how much money you spend you can't catch the behemoths on top, at least Halliday might win another Cy Young)
4. Tampa Bay Devil Rays (look at that, the D-Rays have some nice young talent, and Scott Kazmir could have a break out year, so a non-last place finish is entirely possible)
5. Baltimore Orioles (its a sad state of affairs when the O's look worse than the Devil Rays, if Cal Ripken were dead he'd be rolling in his grave, Eric Bedard and Miguel Tejada should both demand trades so they don't waste any more productive years in Angelos' cursed shadow)
Overall Breakdown - Comes down to NY and Beantown, as everyone assumed it would. The Yanks lost some bat in trading Sheffield, but they don't hurt for firepower, and the improved rotation and bench depth make them the team to beat. For the other non-NY and Boston teams, they should simply be moved to other divisions so that they might make the post season more than once every lunar eclipse. Of course, not into the AL Central cause, god is that a scary division.

AL Central
1. Minnesota Twins (yes they have rotation concerns past a certain left-handed wizard named Santana, but they have a ton of hitters, a great manager and GM, and they played absolutely hellish in the second half last year, plus 4 division titles in 6 years ain't nothin' to scoff at)
2. Detroit Tigers (last years pennant winners should have walked away with the division, but were overtaken by the Twins on the final day of the season, no reason to think they can't win the division other than the Twins being so good and so experienced in pennant drives)
3. Cleveland Indians (their run differential from a year ago points to them having some tough breaks in 06, if Sabathia has a solid season this is a team poised for a break...or would be in they didn't play in this division)
4. Chicago White Sox (two years ago they won a WS title, this offseason they made moves that might turn out to be genius in a year or two but weakened their pitching in the short term, would probably run away with a division crown in just about any other division, but...)
5. Kansas City Royals (poor Royals fans, nearly 20 years of suckage, at least that profit sharing has allowed them to spend some money, although poorly [Gil Meche, really?], but maybe they can hold on to some of that talent starting to crop up out of their farm system
Overall Breakdown - This is a division that could produce a 90 win team in 4th place, and send only one team into the playoffs, it's just that scary good. In fact, any of the top four are interchangeable in some regards. Bit like the NL Central, actually, but here it's because everyone's so talented, as opposed to the mediocrity that reigns in the NL counterpart.

AL West
1. Oakland Athletics (no concrete reason to pick them, other than the fact that Billy Beane's still GM over in Oaktown)
2. Anaheim Angels of Anaheim CA in Orange County where Anaheim is (more talent, on paper, than the A's, but the cheese thinks Gary Matthews Jr. is going to be a bust, Garrett Anderson is in decline, and there's no real protection for Vlad, plus Colon's 350 lbs. is going to wear on him more than people think taxing an already overrated starting rotation, still they have former Dodger All-Star Mike Sciosscia so that's a bonus)
3. Seattle Mariners (won't finish in last, won't finish in first but the kid Hernandez will make strides toward becoming the next Pedro, so if the M's play their cards right they might contend next year and for a while to come)
4. Texas Rangers (man can they hit, too bad they have almost no one to pitch and they play in a veritable band box, Gagne won't be nearly as helpful to a team not built around pitching and defense and once the temp starts spiking in Arlington watch how the Rangers fade)
Overall Breakdown - Actually most of these teams are fairly close, a few breaks and the M's and Rangers could push for the division. Mostly the benefit of the doubt has to go to Beane and Co in green for their stellar regular season record over the last decade+.

Well, there you have it. The cheese' 2007 regular season predictions. Only 6 months to see how close he got it...

Against his better judgement, the cheese will not throw in the towel, yet.

2007-04-03T12:03:00.000-07:00

If you were paying attention, then you know that the 2007 baseball season officially opened yesterday. The Dodgers were in Milwaukee to open up against the Brewers. Now, the fact that the Dodgers garnered all of 2 hits, scored one run (on a Kent solo shot), and lost 7-1 might, in years passed, alarmed the cheese. But Ben Sheets, the oft-injured defacto ace in the land of beer, is actually healthy right now, and was at his absolute best yesterday. Plus, the Brewers are the cheese pick to win the NL Central (see below). And even though he wasn't exactly in top form, Lowe wasn't getting any close calls, so hey, there's still 161 games to play.

Even though everyone and his brother has made their predictions, the cheese will take a crack at it beginning with the National League...

NL East
1. NY Mets (even with a bunch of 80 year olds as a starting rotation this team will be hard to beat)
2. Atlanta Braves - Wild Card Berth (Bobby Cox doesn't have enough to overtake the Mets, but he'll see his team back to the post-season
3. Philadelphia Phillies - (Great offense, questionable defense, shoddy manager, near inept GM, and did you know Ryan Howard is actually OLDER than Albert Pujols?)
4. Florida Marlins (Mets, Braves and Phils will all be close, the Marlins won't, but their kids will make strides)
5. Washington Nationals (why did MLB even move them from Montreal? Now the fans in DC have to put up with this perennially lost franchise)
Overall Breakdown - the top three will make this division fairly competitive (i.e., difficult for the other two teams), and while the Phils have more talent than Atlanta, they're also saddled with Charlie Manual leading the team. Expect another year of under performance from the team from cheese steak land.

NL Central
1. Milwaukee Brewers (bit of a dark horse, maybe, but a healthy Sheets, Fielder and Co means this team can flat out play, and they're lucky enough to be in the weakest division in baseball)
2. St. Louis Cardinals (WS winners notwithstanding, last year was a huge fluke. Even with Pujols and Carpenter this is a .500 team)
3. Houston Astros (the offense will be better with a healthy Ensberg and Carlos Lee around to bolster/protect Berkman, but much of that will be negated by the 700+ errors Lee will commit in left field. After Oswalt they have no one to pitch)
4. Chicago Cubs (so much money spent for so little, Soriano can't play adequate defense anywhere, and why bring Ted Lilly to a hitter's park? Maybe they will 80 games, or maybe they'll win only 60)
5. Cincinnati Reds (had a decent run in 06 until the stretch, probably happen again since this team isn't particularly deep in any area, and their best hitter might strike out 200 times)
6. Pittsburgh Pirates (some decent guys on the roster, but a complete lack of vision from the top down means that the once proud franchise can expect another losing season)
Overall Breakdown - A defensable case could be made for any of these teams winning the division (though the Pirates would be a stretch, it COULD be possible). Really, it's going to be exactly like last year with the team reaching the 84 win mark (granted that's only three games over .500, and last year the Cards only won 82) taking the division crown. Really, you could just pull names out of a hat and have as good a chance of picking the winner.

NL West
1. Los Angeles Dodgers (upgraded rotation, strong bullpen, solid lineup. No real "homerun" threat, but they didn't have one last year and still led the league in hitting and finished third in runs scored).
2. San Diego Padres (having Greg Maddux and David Wells at the back of the rotation will tax the bullpen all season, and the bullpen is what really saved the Pads last year. Peavy will try and compensate and pitch deeper into games, he's not known for great durability, so expect a small/lingering to medium injury to hamper him, thus deflating the Pads chances at the post season)
3. Arizona Diamondbacks (next year they might be really tough, but this year they might be a bit too young, don't expect much from Randy Johnson even though he is back in the NL)
4. San Francisco Giants (why the hell would anyone sign Barry Bonds, even the Giro's, is still a mystery, add to that fact that there isn't a starter is SF under the age of 31, they're now saddled with Zito's ridiculous contract, and they have exactly one guy, a pitcher, who might get better in the future and the Giants fans are looking at a miserable time over the next several years)
5. Colorado Rockies (they've got a decent core of young talent, but without the humodor this year pitching a mile above sea level will be terrible yet again)
Overall Breakdown - It'll come down to LA and SD, again, but this time both teams won't make it to the playoffs with the East being so strong. All in all, there isn't a great team here, but the top three should all be close, and SF might hang around for most of the way if Bonds is reasonably healthy. LA gets the nod for its pitching depth and lineup depth. Hell, they had to send a guy (Loney) who hit .380 in AAA last season (and .440 in the spring this year) back to Las Vegas because there's no room for him on the 25 man roster. Maybe this year the Dodgers might win A playoff game, but the cheese isn't getting his hopes up.

Happy Birthday Suavo!!

2007-04-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to the King!

2007-03-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday, your royal Cheeseness.

Apparently, it was a slow sports day...

2007-03-21T08:36:00.000-07:00

because the cheese was shocked when, during the 10 o'clock news on channel 11, highlights from a Concordia University basketball game were shown. Thinking this had to be some weird aberration, the cheese was further shocked to find other news outlets covering it as well.

All the attention almost, but not quite, brought about feelings of pride for the cheese' alma mater. But then he remembered what going there was like, and you know, all the feelings of good will seeped away in the vast emptiness in the cheese' soul that comes with having a BA in Humanities.

Crazy Comic Covers

2007-03-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have gotta say that the Marvel Zombie artists have some crazy ideas for covers. Basically they take classic covers and zombify them. Check out these covers for Marvel Zombies vs Army of Darkness #1. Nothing quite beats zombie captain america punching out zombie Hitler.

A small sampling of thoughts that have little interest to anyone other than myself and have absolutely nothing in common with each other...

2007-03-18T22:22:00.000-07:00

It is, roughly, 10:30 PM on Sunday evening as the cheese begins typing this. The actual posting time will no doubt be much later as the cheese is alternately procrastinating on both homework and work work. Both the princess and momma_cheese are in bed, as Sunday night has become the cheese only time to actually "do" stuff. Last Sunday, for instance, the cheese stayed up until 4 AM (Monday morning) finishing a paper. After a thoroughly unrefreshing 3 hours of sleep the cheese woke up to feed the kid.

Tonight does not seem to be destined for such a late bed time. Nevertheless, here's some things that have been on the cheese' mind of late....

-A short list of various points of advice for Tengu (or any other new fathers out there in cheeselandia), in no particular order
1. At some point, you will get poo on or around your face. Perhaps this has already occurred. If not, accept the eventuality of it and try not to freak out when it does occur.
2. As soon as he starts grabbing on to things, things will start going in his mouth.
3. At least for the princess, books seem to be incredibly delicious, so you might want to stick to board books in your living room.
4. The cheese hears that some time away from the baby is good for parents. Since the cheese only gets time away for work/school/homework, he'll have to take other's words for this, but you might want to try it out.
5. Classical music is particularly good at soothing the princess when she's upset...off key renditions of Itsy Bitsy Spider, I'm a Little Teapot, and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star work well also.

-It's a few months late, sure, but the cheese isn't up on music/movies/anything like he used to be. Regardless, this band is pretty much awesome from top to bottom so check em' out.

-The cheese has said it before, and he'll say it again, but James Blaylock is a seriously fucking good writer!

-With only two weeks left in spring training the Dodgers seem to be blessed with a ridiculous surplus in pitching. They haven't yet been able to parlay that into a trade for a big bat, but as the season rolls on, the trade deadline approaches, and teams fall out of contention, this state of affairs may change. On the other hand, the Dodgers do have some serious speed at the top of the order, followed by a number of very good, selective, and not overly prone to strikeouts hitters, so maybe they don't actually need another bat. They made the playoffs (though, let's not dwell on the resulting three games) last year without a legitimate home run threat, and they seem even better this year.

-The cheese has enjoyed coffee for many years now, but with 4 hours of sleep a night becoming a reality, and the ebb in energy the cheese has felt as he approaches the end of his 20's, coffee is not so much an enjoyment as a necessity that rivals air.

This guy is pretty damn hard.

2007-03-14T11:08:00.000-07:00

This guy, Lance Mackey,who just won his second consecutive Iditarod this week (just 12 days after winning another 1000 race with, essentially, the same dog team), is now high on the list of the cheese' personal lords and saviors.

He still falls below Neil Gaiman, Terry Pratchett, James Blaylock, and Bear Grylls (what's that, you haven't seen Man vs. Wild, well then you're missing out my friend), but he's probably slightly above Steven Gerrard and the guys at Penny Arcade, so that says something.

I present Sir Riley Peter Tom

2007-03-08T08:04:00.000-08:00

With Lord Cheese's permission I would like to induct a new defender of the realm.

Congratulations & happy Bday

2007-03-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Tengu on his first born son, who came into the world last night!!!

Happy Birthday Ms. White

the big cheese "big" update

2007-03-02T00:31:00.000-08:00

Well, maybe not too big, it is 12:30 in the ante meridiem after all. But the cheese has been quite lax in his postings lately, except for results of the occasional comic themed web quiz (and if only the cheese lived in the comic book world he would be Apocalypse and alternately get it on with Scarlet Witch and Psylocke.....sweeeet). So, here then is a short list of goings on in the cheese' life

-While the birth of princess Isabella was joyous, it came at a not entirely perfect time, but had she not been born last year then the cheese would not have been qualified (read: a father) to get his newest part time job as a Writer/Researcher for Dads Adventure. And even though he is only working a scant 15 hours a week for this organization (and some of that is at home...) this second part time occupation has forced the parents cheese to place the princess into day care twice a week. Tuesday, in fact, marked the princess' very first foray into a world where she interacts with other children for an extended period of time. It was, needless to say, a difficult day for the adults, but the princess seemed to really enjoy it.

-Work on The Chronicles II: Son of the Chronicles continues at a decent pace, and since the cheese is enrolled in two writing courses this semester he predicts that there may be more than 100 pages completed by the time May rolls around. Now if only there were time finish up The Chronicles I: Father of The Chronicles II: Son of the Chronicles...

-In case you citizens were unaware, the Dodgers played their first spring training game yesterday (Thursday) which means we can all settle back for a nice 7 months of America's pasttime...and if we're (and by we, of course, the cheese means all decent people, or Dodgers fans) lucky we'll actually get a few playoff wins this year.

-And lastly/most importantly a month ago......

Since then the cheese clan has also seen the rise of crawling, which, as one might guess, makes the princess much more prone to hurting herself/means dad needs to pay WAY more attention when she's playing on the ground, and she is no longer content to simply be in the playpen. And very recently she's take to pulling herself up on to her feet in her crib. Basically, the princess is a genius....the cheese predicts that in another six months she'll be tackling non-Euclidean geometry and composing her first symphony.

Mwahahaha!!!!

2007-02-22T23:47:00.000-08:00

Your results:
You are Apocalypse

Apocalypse		63%
Magneto		61%
Venom		58%
Dr. Doom		58%
Mr. Freeze		57%
The Joker		56%
Poison Ivy		53%
Mystique		53%
Lex Luthor		50%
Catwoman		50%
Juggernaut		45%
Green Goblin		41%
Dark Phoenix		37%
Two-Face		37%
Riddler		34%
Kingpin		33%

You believe in survival of the fittest and you believe that you are the fittest.

Click here to take the Super Villain Personality Test

Thanks, once again, to Mojo...

The cheese' comic book lover

2007-02-16T00:17:00.000-08:00

Thanks Mojo!

Sometimes things are much better than one might expect.

2007-02-13T07:07:00.000-08:00

Last night saw the first of six writers visit Chapman University for this year's John Fowles Literary Forum. This was not something the cheese was particularly interested in, though he was required to attend as he is currently enrolled in the class that is taught in conjunction with the Visiting Writers program.

But the night was quite illuminating. The "theme" of this year's Forum is Latin American writers, and while this is not an area of particular interest to the cheese, the fact that this year marks the 10th anniversary of the program means that there is also an art installation from 3 Latin American artists to go along with the readings. All in all it made for a great experience last night.

The first writer, Carmen Boullosa, was surprisingly fresh, and her views on literature and writing were illuminating. Her reading, though, was drop dead genius (it came from a novel that was not read by the cheese' class, though that particular work has not shot to the top of the cheese' "must read" list).

Writing, in the cheese limited experience, is a solitary endeavor. It's lonely, difficult, and in the words of Ms. Boullosa, "a vampire...writing will take everything out of your soul." But sometimes its nice to remind yourself that there are others who have struggled with the same things and come out of the hard times with finished work and made a career out of it.

Stirland

2007-02-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

The Nobility of Stirland constantly compete with those of the wealthier rovinces, and the commanders of Stirland's armies have a reputation for rash bravery, perhaps feeling they have something to prove. This was never more exemplified than in 2145 by Prince Martin then the count of Stirland who slew Mannfred von Carstein at the Battle of Hel Fenn - astounding feat for which he claimed the lands of Sylvania. Though ostensibly part of Stirland, Sylvania is, in reality, an abandoned province where the dead are easily stirred from their slumber and the dark forest are haunted by unspeakable horrors.

The soldiers of Stirland are often equiped with cheap, simple weapons, primarily the longbow, and their uniforms, if they can be called such, are rustic. The warrior maiden depicted in the arms of Stirland regiments dates back to the founding of the Empire itself. The tribe that controlled the lands that bordered the Stir at the time of Simar were not ruled over by a chieftan, but by a fierve warrior-queen whose name is no longer remembered. Though she died at Blackfire Pass, and her son took on the mantel of Elector when the Empire was forged, this ferocious leader is still honored in ancient songs and in the banners of the province.

I've been getting a number of calls for the 809 recently

2007-01-30T12:35:00.000-08:00

Area codes-Scam phone callsIMPORTANT INFO ABOUT AREA CODE. DON'T EVER DIAL AREA CODE 809,284 AND 876THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION PROVIDED TO US BY AT&T.DON'T EVER DIAL AREA CODE 809.

They get you to call by telling you that it is information about a family member who has been ill, died, or to let you know you have won a prize, etc. In each case, you are told to call an 809 number. Since there are so many new area codes, people unknowingly return these calls.If you call from the US, you will be charged $2425 per-minute.Or, you'll get a long message. They will try to keep you on the phone as long as possible to increase the charges. Unfortunately, when you get your phone bill, you'll often be charged more than $24,100.00.

WHY IT WORKS: The 809 area code is located in the British Virgin Islands (The Bahamas).The charges afterwards can become a real nightmare. That's because you did actually make the call. If you complain, both your local phone company and your long distance carrier will not want to get involved and will most likely tell you that they are simply providing the billing for the foreign company. You'll end up dealing with a foreign company that argues they have done nothing wrong.

Sandi Van HandelAT&T Field Service Manager(920) 687-904www.snopes.com/fraud/telephone/809.asp(I confirmed it to be real, they say it is uncommon but has been going around since 2000. Be careful when you get messages to call back and you do not know the number-look at your caller ID before answering)Stay Tuned! I might have more info regarding this!

The cheese is...

2007-01-29T22:35:00.000-08:00

I am:

Hal Clement (Harry C. Stubbs)

A quiet and underrated master of "hard science" fiction who, among other things, foresaw integrated circuits back in the 1940s.

Which science fiction writer are you?

Thanks mojo!

Sean Bean is, we can all agree, the greatest living actor...

2007-01-25T23:33:00.000-08:00

Really, anything starring Sean Bean, even something as bad as say, National Treasure, is still good simply because Bean deigns to lend his quasi-godlike visage to it. And while the cheese hasn't seen The Hitcher yet, he did already complain to momma_cheese that is seems clear Bean's character dies at the end of the film, which is ridiculous because if Bean did decide to go on a homicidal rampage across some desert highways, there is no way in hell Sophia Bush and miscellaneous "good-looking" guy could stop him...and so this web comic gives a fairly satisfying compromise to the dilemma...

As an interesting aside, the cheese stumbled upon these at the ol' bookmines and is now racking his brains on how he might save up for them...

Down to 31% evil

2007-01-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

And there are days when...

2007-01-23T10:58:00.000-08:00

You want to kick some people in nuts. So our hosting company for our e-mail service did an update last night/this morning, and about two thirds of our e-mail accounts got updated while the rest got dumbed into lala land. Damn you!!

Funny post on warseer about Bretonnians

2007-01-19T13:52:00.001-08:00

George Bush sucks because of the fact that his peasants are too strong?

No more regular soda...EVER!

2007-01-18T00:05:00.000-08:00

Toward the end of a fairly stressful day, one in which the cheese found himself fighting off his second cold in three weeks (the blame goes to Suavo, even though he duly warned the cheese...), financial issues continued to cause stress, and a cold sore the size of a mid-size former Soviet state had blossomed on the cheese mouth, he decided to indulge himself and drink, for the first time in three weeks, a regular soda with all its (supposed) high-fructose corn syrupy goodness. Alas, an upset stomach, faint dizziness, and general malaise was all the cheese got from his ill advised indulgence.

A pox on thy house, REGULAR SODA! Never again shall you pass the cheese' lips!

Don’t judge a book by its cover, yes....but don’t judge a book cover by itself either.

2007-01-15T23:05:00.000-08:00

Four or five weeks ago I would have very likely agreed with this pronouncement that the cover to Jim Cramer’s Mad Money is surely a ridiculous thing. But something odd has happened to the cheese recently. As part of his four-fold plan(blog link) to improve himself the cheese is trying to be much more opened minded in regards to a number of things.

In this case, the cheese resolution #3 has motivated him to learn something, anything, about the stock market. So the past few weeks the cheese has taken in a lot of CNBC. Now it just so happens that Mr. Cramer, him of the crazy cover has a show on that very network. At first glance this Cramer guy seems a thoroughly schizoid, bizarro dimension version, of a stock analyst. His show plays something akin to a cross between a morning “drive-time” radio bazaar and a PBS program. On the one hand, it’s terribly fast paced with a lot of sound and visual do-daddery, while he’s relaying a veritable mountain of information about the stock market in general, and the business world at large.

Apparently Cramer ran a hedge-fund for something like 15 years where, in his own words, he made “more money than anyone has a real right to.” And the opening to his book claims that he does the show (and now book) to help people realize their own goals in the stock market. The cheese has watched the show here and there (cause with a five month old, watching something daily is just not possible) for a few weeks now and the cheese can’t count how many times he’s heard Cramer say that anyone, no matter economic or education level, can do a better job managing his stocks/money (as long as he has the conviction to do the work/research required) than any investment banker, stock broker, financial planner, etc. And that’s a fairly empowering statement, especially to someone like the cheese who doesn’t have a whole lot of disposable cash lying around but is interested in investing.

That’s not to say that the cheese agrees with everything Cramer says...like he values how a company performs more than how it treats its employees or the type of business it is. Cramer named Altria (parent company of Phillip Morris, Phillip Morris International, and Kraft) as his pick of the year because he believes the three branches will split off into independent companies, but even if the cheese had money just now, he doubts he could purchase stock from a tobacco company...

So what does any of this have to do with the ol’ book cover? Well, as part of his resolution regimen the cheese recently read Rich Dad, Poor Dad. No doubt, those of you who know the cheese well think this last sentence is some sort of joke. But no, friends, it is true.

Let us take a moment to reflect back on days when the cheese was an undergraduate. He worked one year in his school’s writing center, and another two years as a TA, grading papers from intro lit courses. Suffice it to say, those three years saw the cheese read a lot of bad writing. Not coincidently, whenever the cheese read a particularly sorry paper, you know, the kind that makes one question the school’s admission policies/department, nine times out of 10 that paper came from a business major (and as a sidenote, Rich Dad, Poor Dad wasn’t particularly well written either, but more on that in a minute). The cheese, in fact, spent a good deal of time as an undergraduate talking badly about business in general, business majors specifically, and how most in the business program could hardly speak correctly, let alone construct a coherent paragraph and set it down on paper. But all those business graduates had to have learned something, and in occurs to the cheese that what they were learning might very well be pertinent to his intended occupation.

Robert Kiyosaki, the author of Rich Dad, Poor Dad relates a store that truly hit home with the cheese, and it goes like this...

Some time ago Kiyosaki was in Singapore for a business conference and had agreed to be interviewed by a female journalist working for one of the local papers. It just so happens that on some of his previous trips there Kiyosaki had actually read some of the articles this particular journalist had written and thought very highly of her as both a journalist and a writer. At the end of the interview the woman asked Kiyosaki if he might giver her some tips on being a published author, as she had a novel that she had written but had been unsuccessful at getting anyone to publish it. Kiyosaki suggested the woman take a course, or attend a conference, on sales. She immediately became indignant and responded with something like “I don’t want to be a salesman! I want to be a writer!” Kiyosaki then picks up his book and says “The cover of this says best selling author, not best writing author.” And then went on to explain that she might be the greatest writer in the world, and that he believed she probably had written a very good book, but that if she didn’t learn to, effectively, sell herself she’d have a very hard time getting published. The woman, apparently, seemed to miss the point because she ended their conversation by storming off.

Her attitude mirrors, almost exactly, the cheese’ attitude of many years ago. The cheese wanted to be a “writer.” He was above the trivial concerns of money or the business of how one goes about actually getting paid to write. Since then, though, the cheese has realized two things. 1) The cheese is not now, and will never be a “writer.” That is, what the cheese writes is not art. Entertaining, sure. Artistic, no. The cheese has taken the view that there are, in fact, very few writers who are artists. Most writers, in fact, are craftsmen. The difference is that while both an artist and a craftsman may work with, say, clay the artist might produce The Thinker while the craftsman might produce a bowl. The bowl may be beautiful in its own right, but will never rival the beauty of what the artists makes. Then again, the bowl has some utility while no one would think of eating a meal off of a sculpture. The utility inherent in works produced by writing craftsmen is entertainment, pure and simple. That’s not to say that crafted writing cannot illuminate truth about the world we live in or the human condition, but it must still, at its core, entertain the reader. Artistic writing, however, may be a clear work of genius, may ponder the most important questions about existence, and still might not entertain. Take, Moby Dick, which the cheese read for the first time this last semester. Three or four more readings, at least, are required before the cheese can get any type of handle on it. Doubtless there are few who have ever read it that would argue its power as a piece of art, and there would probably be very few more who would call it entirely entertaining.

But Kiyosaki’s story is the reality of the world. If the cheese ever has a hope of selling The Chronicles than he must learn to sell himself, and his work.

Again, what does this have to do with the Cramer cover....well, the way in which this site goes about trashing it shows the cheese two things, first she’s probably never seen his show, and second probably hasn’t read the book. Maybe that’s not the point, but anyone who’s ever seen this show, even for just 60 seconds, would know that the cover couldn’t have looked any different. Cramer is just that way. The cheese isn’t sure if he does lines before the show goes live, but it wouldn’t be a big shock to find out that was the case. The guy runs on pure adrenaline for 60 minutes, and in light of the show, actually, the cover is rather subdued. In the interest of full disclosure the cheese will say he hasn’t yet finished the book. But one thing becomes increasingly clear as one reads it (or spends any serious amount of time watching the show), the guy really wants to help ordinary people, even those without a lot of disposable income, make money in the stock market.

Now the attitude that the article’s author takes in relation to the cover reminds the cheese of how he might have responded 10 years ago, or 5 years ago, or even last year for that matter. The cheese has always fancied himself open minded, but the truth is, we all have a prejudices. But to be truly open minded one must own up to his prejudices, and work to turn them inside out. The cheese is going out to find a job with a fortune 500 company any time soon. But maybe he can learn something from all those people/disciplines that he once derided with scorn. And certainly not everything he learns will be useful. But the cheese believes that the true definition of wisdom is realizing where your knowledge is deficient, accepting that one can always learn something from every person or discipline of knowledge you encounter, and continually trying to expand what you know with an attitude of humility (i.e. realizing you will never know everything).

Biggest News in American Soccer, Ever!

2007-01-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

David Beckham, ye of multiple English Premier League, FA Cup, and even a Champions League medal to his credit will be joining the LA Galaxy in July.

Recently the MLS amended their salary cap rules with what, even at the time, was known as the "Beckham Rule." This rule, essentially, allows each team to sign one international player at a salary significantly larger than would have been allowed under the old 2 million dollar per-team cap (also, teams can trade there rights to a designated player, but no team is allowed more than two such players).

It was long known that Beckham intended to play in the US at the end of his career. And while he's currently 31, which is a bit old for any soccer player not named Gary Speed, he's still got something left. That being said, it was assumed he wouldn't hop the pond for a couple years yet. That was, of course, until the current La Liga campaign began. This year Beck's has made only 7 starts for Real Madrid through all competitions (though he has come on a dozen times as a sub). That's not nearly enough for a player with Beckham's stature. So once his current deal with Real runs out on June 30 he'll be wearing Galaxy yellow.

The cheese might actually attend an MLS match now...

Best Commercial Ever

2007-01-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

Aint it cool news posted this commercial and I thought I would share it with you. If you don't get it the first time, watch it again.

That time of year.

2007-01-05T10:22:00.000-08:00

The cheese has never been too hip to the whole "new year's resolution" thing. He believes that if one wants to affect change in one's life, then any day of the year is the day to do so, rather than some arbitrarily decided upon date that "begins" a new calendar year (cause remember, a year is measured by the time it takes our planet to circle the sun, a circle as we all know, has no real beginning or end).

Nevertheless, it seems a particularly pertinent moment in the cheese' life to reassess and revalue certain things. As all loyal citizens of cheeselandia know Princess Isabella is growing by the minute (as the cheese writes this, in fact, she is rolling about on the living room floor with various plush friends).

And it is the princess, not surprisingly, that has spurred much of the cheese desire to change certain things in his life.

Resolution #1. Cultivate a more positive attitude

Look, by nature the cheese is sarcastic, cynical and generally annoyed with humanity. But it occurs to the cheese that he does not necessarily wish such an attitude on the princess. Truth be told, the cheese has often felt himself grudgingly admire people who are mostly positive. And perhaps there is some truth in the idea that to foster good things in one's life, one must start with himself. Sure it sounds a bit "new agey" but it is the underlying (though wholly simplified) principle of certain eastern philosophies. All in all, the cheese wants more than anything for his daughter to be happy and excited about life, as opposed to always being bitter and pessimistic.

Resolution #2. Change eating habits

It has now been four days since the cheese last had a soda. More than that, though, the cheese is on an overall diet. The cheese truly believes that there may be a place in his life for soda, though it should be a very small place. And while the days of consuming two gallons of Pepsi in a day are long gone, even two cans of soda a day is much too much. First off, the cheese metabolism is not what it once was, and secondly, no man who is barely 5'7" should weigh 185 lbs. Currently the cheese and mrs_cheese are on the "cleansing" portion off their diet which will last two weeks total. Then the cheese gets fruit again, thank god. And, in fact, the diet hasn't been that bad so far, though the craptacularness of it has been blunted by a head cold and minor back injury... But the cheese really doesn't want the princess growing up believing (like the cheese did) that it is perfectly fine if all one's liquid intake comes from aluminum cans.

Resolution #3. Take an active role in securing the family's future

Right now the cheese clan has two different retirement funds and life insurance policies on all three of us (yes, that includes the princess, but it's more about her children's future than about any money we might receive on the off chance she dies at a young age). And it recently occurred to the cheese he knows little to nothing about mutual funds, stocks, 401K's, or any other important component of this country's financial system. Now, in a perfect world there would be a fair and progressive tax system in this country that allowed for Social Security to continue on past next year or so, the real estate market would actually be affordable to middle income families and corporations would actually be taxed. But none of those things will probably ever happen in the cheese' lifetime. That being the case, the cheese needs to seriously increase his understanding of the major financial systems working in this country so that, on that sad day when the cheese passes onto the next phase, princess isabella will inherent a cheeselandia that is not a desolate wasteland peopled with illiterate peasants.

Resolution #4 Make a concerted effort to actually have a writing career

This might go without saying, but the Chronicles will be finished soon. This, though, is only the first step to becoming a published writer. As of this writing the cheese has already begun to formulate an actual plan of action on what to do once the novel is finished. In some ways luck plays a part in any artists attempt to make a living off of a craft, but the cheese believes that with the proper mental attitude and an actual blueprint for action, one might just be able to manufacture his own luck.

Well, that's the list. What about you, oh loyal citizens? Any resolutions out there?

P.S., the cheese went ahead and upgraded the blog to the new version, so in order to post you all might have to upgrade your accounts...

Bush voted biggest hero, and villain

2006-12-28T15:28:00.000-08:00

Bad guy of 2006: President Bush. Good guy of 2006: President Bush. When people were asked in an AP poll to name the villains and heroes of the year, Bush topped both lists, in a sign of these polarized times.

Just kinda funny how this is mostly divided around party lines.

Two days + two posts = one happy population of cheeselandia

2006-12-20T23:56:00.000-08:00

While wiling away a few nocturnal hours at the ol' bookmines the cheese' mind went a-wanderin'. This is a common occurrence, of course, when one is forced to stare at multiple copies of this, this or god help us this for five straight hours. But as the deadening onslaught of the true mediocrity of the human race, as evidenced in its published materials, forces it way into the cheese psyche it seems that his thoughts are freed from the more mundane everyday issues one usually thinks about and his mind becomes more insightful and lucid. This may simply be a by-product of having to look at dozens of Harlequin lay down titles, though, as that causes some people to completely hallucinate. But the question remains, are these thoughts true insights, or are they just crap? As evidence the cheese presents two of this evening's musings....

1. Did anyone get a hang-over from that water that Jesus turned to wine? You'd think it would get you totally blitzed without the puking and dizziness, wouldn't you?

2. If you were having sex with Kali how rough would it get? Certainly there'd be some scratching and biting, but it seems like she'd be one to throw you on your back and ass fuck you with a strap-on until your anus bled.

Just so you don't think the cheese has been lazy, Or: the longest post to ever appear on this blog... Part 2

2006-12-20T00:25:00.000-08:00

Here is the second "fruit" of the cheese' work for this past semester. Good ol' Eliot, falls into both American and British Modernism. As an aside, the cheese won't post the 40 or so pages of his second novel that he produced for his workshop because that shit needs to be protected....

The Cheese

Dr. O’Brien

English 536

December 12, 2006

Critical Theory Synthesis and Evolution: Eliot’s Literary Journey from The Waste Land to Little Gidding

A cursory reading of The Waste Land and Four Quartets might lead one to conclude that T.S. Eliot’s literary and philosophical vision had changed much in the roughly 20 years between the publication of each poem. This would not be a completely unfounded conclusion in light of the many things that occurred in Eliot’s life during this time; his conversion to Anglicanism and the committal of Vivien Eliot being the most important (North 295). Likewise, the simple fact that 20 years had passed would likely lead to any number of changes in a normal person’s outlook on art and life. It is not the intention of this paper to claim that Eliot’s views on poetry and philosophy underwent no change during this period. Rather, Eliot’s evolution as a critic and poet was spurred in large part by the fact that the new beliefs he gained during this period of his life were in many ways similar to his original disposition toward artistic thought and execution. It was, therefore, an easy task for Eliot to synthesize these new insights into his views on, and practical application of, his art. Viewed from an historical standpoint, in fact, much of Eliot’s career as a poet, beginning with the immediate yearning in The Waste Land can be seen as a march toward this ultimate unification of personal and artistic ideals he produces within the lines of Little Gidding. Not coincidently, Eliot’s response to being asked if he thought Four Quartets represented his best work was, “Yes, and I’d like to feel that they get better as they go on. The second is better than the first, the third is better than the second, and the fourth is the best of all. At any rate, that’s the way I flatter myself” (Hall 64). It is interesting, also, to note that once the complete version of Four Quartets was published in 1943, Eliot produced no other significant work of poetry. He lived a further 22 years, publishing a number of critical essays and seeing several of his plays performed, but it appears that, as a poet, Eliot could produce nothing to equal the lines of Little Gidding.

Realizing this objective was not an easy one for Eliot. It was a journey that began in earnest in The Waste Land. Numerous literary critics have spent a good deal of time extracting meaning from this work, and doubtless, many more will in the years to come. It is a work dizzying in its complexity. While this presents a veritable goldmine of new critical interpretations, it is also cause for consternation when attempting to place The Waste Land within a context of related material. Additionally, The Waste Land was not Eliot’s first published poem. It does, however, mark an important turning point in Eliot’s career. By the time The Waste Land is finished, Eliot has already published two of his most influential critical pieces, “Tradition and the Individual Talent” and “Hamlet.” While the breadth of Eliot’s literary criticism is quite large, these essays present a theoretical foundation for the entire scope of Eliot’s poetic career.

The most important and recognizable idea in the “Hamlet” essay comes from Eliot’s argument on how an artist should convey emotion within a work of art:

The only way of expressing emotion in the form of art is by finding an ‘objective correlative’; in other words, a set of objects, a situation, a chain of events which shall be the formula of that particular emotion; such that when the external facts, which must terminate in sensory experience, are given, the emotion is immediately evoked (Selected Essays 124-5).

Without delving into the complexities of Eliot’s years of literary criticism, one can take from the idea of the “objective correlative” the most basic foundation of Eliot’s view on how artists should manufacture their work. To Eliot, sensory experience is the only tool a reader has at his disposal to use in gleaning any meaningful insight from a poem (or any work of art). The importance of the objective correlative in relation to art, then, is that sensory experience is the only thing all people share in common, and must therefore be the common ground on which all artists create their work. Because of this, using any literary device other something grounded in reality, such as an actual object or situation, does not adequately express emotion to the audience. Eliot’s critique of Hamlet the play, in fact, is that the emotional state of Hamlet the man is not adequately supported by “...facts as they appear” (ibid). Just as “Hamlet” contains a single idea underlying its entire argument, so too does the essay “Tradition and Individual Talent” include a unique idea at the heart of its message. “No poet…has his complete meaning alone. His significance…is the appreciation of his relation to the dead poets and artists” (Eliot, Selected Essays 4). It is important, then, that an artist know the history of art and how he fits into this history, “The existing monuments form an ideal order among themselves, which is modified by the introduction of the new (the really new) work of art among them…and so the relations, proportions, values of each work of art toward the whole are readjusted; and this is conformity between the old and the new” (Selected Essays 5). In turning one’s attention to Eliot’s early masterpiece, The Waste Land, it becomes quickly apparent that both of these ideas were foremost in his mind while writing the poem.

In the opening lines of The Waste Land the reader is instantly assaulted with images that produce an emotional response, “April is the cruelest, month breeding / Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing / Memory and desire, stirring / Dull roots with spring rain. / Winter kept us warm, covering / Earth in forgetful snow, feeding / A little life with dried tubers” (1-7). Just seven lines and yet a number of specific images, “dead land,” “dull roots,” “forgetful snow,” and “dried tubers,” are in place to project the idea of a cold and unrelenting earth. From the very outset, then, the reader is well aware that this world Eliot is creating is indeed a waste land. These images have even more power, though, as they are of particular contrast against the use of “April” and “spring rain” in the same lines. Right from the start the reader is aware that this will not be a work of happiness and contentment. Going deeper, though, the reader finds that, not coincidently, the opening lines also call to mind the opening of a seminal work in English literature, The Canterbury Tales, “When the sweet showers of April have pierced / The drought of March, and pierced it to the root, / And every vein is bathed in that moisture / Whose quickening force will engender the flower;”(Chaucer 1). And there are multiple connections present in the opening lines of Eliot’s poem to the opening of Chaucer’s; April and April, dried roots and root, showers and moisture, Lilacs and flower. The title of the poem suggests to the reader that Eliot is presenting a stagnant vision of the world. The allusion to The Canterbury Tales, however, sets to mind the idea of a pilgrimage. And this, in fact, is exactly what Eliot will lead his reader on as the poem unfolds, but this pilgrimage will not offer any spiritual enlightenment once it is completed. From the very beginning of the work, then, Eliot has sought to uphold the principles of both the objective correlative and his own relation to, and connection with, the artists of the past.

The entirety of The Waste Land, in fact, is suffused with such images as “objects.” A detailed account, therefore, would require many more pages, but it is pertinent to this discussion to focus on a select few that are important in relation to Eliot’s underlying philosophical perspective.

Moving forward to line 60, the reader comes to a description of London:

Unreal City,

Under the brown fog of a winter dawn,

A crowd flowed over London Bridge, so many,

I had not thought death had undone so many.

Sighs, short and infrequent, were exhaled,

And each man fixed his eyes before his feet.

Flowed up the hill and down King William Street,

To where Saint Mary Woolnoth kept the hours

With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine. (60-68)

The density of images in this passage is impressive, but this density is important to the power of the text. The term “Unreal City” seems, at first, not solely in line with the “objective correlative” ideal, as it is a description that may not lead to an immediate image is the readers mind. That is unless the reader were familiar with London during Eliot’s time, as the term “The City” is “...the name for the financial district in London” (Rainey 81). To the knowledgeable reader, or the one who does his homework (the only two kinds that should really attempt reading Eliot), this is a clear-cut image evoking a specific emotional response. Immediately after follows the “brown fog of a winter dawn.” To most, fog is not generally thought of as brown. But this is London that Eliot has conjured, and here the fog is suffused with the dirt and soot abundant in the city.

Eliot then turns to the “flowing” crowd (repeated in line 66), with its “sighs, short and infrequent.” No individual is recognizable as every member of the crowd could be responsible for the sighs emitted. There are also the dual references to death; “I had not thought death had undone so many” and “With a dead sound on the final stroke of nine.” The crowd is not a joyous, lively bunch. They are the walking dead, trapped in their lives of undeath, at the beck and call of the bell that begins the workday. The image, again, only imparts half of the depth of the passage though, as the line “I had not though death had undone so many” comes directly from Dante. In Canto III of The Inferno, as the poet first steps beyond the gates of hell Dante is struck by the image of “...so long a file of people / that I could not believe / death had undone so many” (Alighieri 45). Once again Eliot has connected to a poet of the past, but here the image takes on an evolved meaning. These are not souls who have passed from the earthly realm, as Dante saw, but rather these are living beings who are now lifeless. Just as those in Canto III, though, they pass through their lives “without disgrace yet without praise” (ibid) This is an interesting foreshadow of Eliot’s work in Little Gidding, since at this point Eliot has not converted to Anglicanism, but he can still make the religious connection between those in Canto III (those “lukewarm” referred to in Rev. 3:16) and the faceless workers in London.

Further on Eliot comes back to passages of death:

After the torchlight red on sweaty faces

After the frosty silence in the gardens

After the agony in stony places

The shouting and the crying

Prison and palace and reverberation

Of thunder of spring over distant mountains

He who was living is now dead

We who were living are now dying

With a little patience (322-330)

People have now evolved from parts of a faceless flowing crowd into persons with a specific feature; “sweaty faces.” And their environment has taken on more details; “frosty silence in the gardens,” “agony in stony places.” The “gardens” image is particularly telling. The default image, for most people, of a garden is something lush, vibrant, and full of life. But this garden is full of “frosty silence.” Coupled with the “thunder of spring,” this passage connects back to the opening of the work. There is no solace to be taken from the earth. It is not a life giving entity, but one that brings pain and “shouting and crying.” And just like those who are already dead in the “Unreal City,” “He who is living is now dead / We who were living are now dying / With a little patience.” At the end of the poem, though, Eliot comes back to the “Unreal City,” proclaiming “London Bridge is falling down falling down falling down” (426).

As Rainey observes, though, this passage is also reminiscent of “...the betrayal and arrest of Christ in the garden of Gethsemane...” (116). It is important, especially in light of Eliot’s later work, to note that among so much talk of death and an unyielding earth, the striking amount of mystical and religious references within The Waste Land. In fact, the entire work begins with just such a reference as section one is titled “The Burial of the Dead.” This is the same title to the burial service in the Anglican Book of Common Prayer. When dealing with a death, or specifically a burial, people often turn to religious texts and ceremonies for comfort and support. The Waste Land was written well before Eliot’s conversion to Anglicanism, but the connection cannot be overlooked. The opening lines present a bleak description, but read in reference to the section title there seems to be some idea of comfort within. Eliot may not be at a point in his life when he knows what this comfort is, but he seems to have a sense it is there.

As evidence of this, at line 43 Eliot calls upon the name of “Madame Sosostris, famous clairvoyante,” and the following lines go about describing a reading from a deck of tarot cards. The treatment is such that it seems Eliot is dismissing the mystical art as a sham. The pronouncement “I see crowds of people, walking round in a ring” (56) seem generalized to the point of absurdity. But, its inclusion is important in relation to the other mystical images evoked, for it seems that Eliot really is searching for the answer to the problems with humanity enumerated in the poem. Continuing in this vain comes the title to the third section of the work, “The Fire Sermon.” This title is taken from a sermon from the Buddha, in which he preached against the things of this world. In a way, with its continual images of death, decay, and ruin, The Waste Land can also be read in this way. Section three even ends with an appeal to God, “To Carthage then I came / Burning burning burning burning / O Lord Thou pluckest me out / O Lord Thou pluckest / burning” (307-11). The entire poem, in fact, ends on a similar note. Seemingly at a loss for what to do with all he has written, the poet is left to declare, “These fragments I have shored against my ruins” (430). He has taken all he sees of the world, the horribly bad and the small amount of hope, and created his art. Unfortunately, he has merely grasped at the solutions, and can do nothing further.

In moving from The Waste Land to Four Quartets there is often the impulse to:

find in Four Quartets a sign of some evasion or dishonesty in the poet who wrote The Waste Land. The very elegance of the later poem…seems a withdrawal from human suffering, a retreat into mystical contemplation far from ‘the world where poetry is accustomed to dwell’…Eliot, after all, helped teach modern readers to value tension and discord in poetry, and…Four Quartets seems strangely lacking in those very qualities (De Lamotte 342).

As we have seen, though, Eliot was very cognizant of a mystical or religious dilemma while writing The Waste Land. As Childs notes, “Eliot’s interest in mysticism at the time of Four Quartets is continuous in an important respect with his philosophical interests of thirty years before” (145). The difference between the two works, though, stems from the new approach to these dilemmas that Eliot now had at his command. It is only natural, therefore, for the poet to handle these issues in a different way. Specifically, Little Gidding “is a deliberately retrospective summary of Eliot’s poetic career, and evaluation of the influences that have shaped his poetic voice” (Emig 84).

Much like references to religious texts and ideals in the section titles of The Waste Land, the title Little Gidding refers to:

the dedication to religious life evinced by the small community of Little Gidding. Its leader Nicholas Ferrar…was ordained deacon in the Church. However, he refused to proceed to higher orders and returned instead…to Little Gidding, to devote himself to the simple and austere Christian life of prayer and good works (Reibetanz 139).

With this in mind, one necessarily connects the opening of The Waste Land, with its allusions to The Canterbury Tales and a holy pilgrimage to this image of a religious community. Here, then, we have Eliot embarking on a similar journey as the one he took with The Waste Land but the path will be markedly different. Even the images present in the opening lines are reminiscent of those in The Waste Land, “Midwinter spring is its own season / Sempiternal though sodden towards sundown, / Suspended in time, between pole and tropic” (1-3). The reference “midwinter spring” hearkens back to the phrase “April is the cruelest month.” Both are simultaneously calling upon distinct and opposite ideas. The difference, of course, is in what is being represented. The Waste Land opens with a jarring and non-instinctive description of spring and earth. So too does Little Gidding begin with a non-instinctive description of a season. A “midwinter spring” which is “sempiternal”; a season that is ever lasting and “suspended it time.” Here, though, Eliot is setting a new course for his exploration while still heeding to what has come before. In order to complete this journey, the poet must revive the images and questions of his past so that he might finally deal with them in the present.

As Emig demonstrates “It sets the tone for the paradoxical and yet complementary imagery of the section…It also already implies the notion of timelessness so crucial to the whole of Four Quartets…individual anxiety…is extended into the impersonal image of ‘soul’s sap quivers’” (85). It is an important distinction to make that while timelessness was dealt with in terms of the finality of death in The Waste Land, here it is timelessness in terms of the eternal soul. Likewise, the “individual anxiety” that destroyed individuality in The Waste Land, is now evolved past mere human terms into the realm of the soul. While these issues have transcended the physical realm of humanity it is important to remember that Eliot is able “to preserve an attitude of intense serenity while not minimizing the intensity of the struggle” (Thompson 141). Gone are the disjointed humanistic attempts to rectify the problems. The poet has gone into the completely mystical realm without losing the vitality (or, one might say, the humanity) of the struggle. Throughout this section Eliot is continually connecting the physical world with the metaphysical, but always by relating the former to the latter “Here, the intersection of the timeless moment / Is England and nowhere. Never and always” (54-55).

Section II, in particular, is important for how the poet systematically disassembles the “classical” foundation of physical reality:

The death of hope and despair,

This is the death of air…

Laughs without mirth.

This is the death of earth…

The marred foundations we forgot,

Of sanctuary and choir.

This is the death of water and fire. (61-2, 70-1, 77-9)

Unlike in The Waste Land where the earth is dying, and man must die with it. Here, the world will unquestionably die, but man is not necessarily destined to that fate, “From wrong to wrong the exasperated spirit / Proceeds, unless restored by that refining fire” (136-7). This is one of the most important developments from The Waste Land. Where a number of disjointed attempts were made to connect with the mystical, now the “spirit” can be “restored.”

Section III begins with the poet making the assertion that:

There are three conditions which often look alike

Yet differ completely, flourish in the same hedgerow:

Attachment to self and to things and persons, detachment

From self and from things and from persons; and, growing between them, indifference

Which resembles the others as death resembles life (142-6).

A passage with seemingly little in common with Eliot’s earlier work, but as Reibetanz points out, “Eliot does not let his readers rest in well-worn and accepted attitudes…he forces the reader to square his values repeatedly; just as we are settling into one attitude, the image is shifted slightly, and we respond with a readjustment of our point of view” (166). Eliot then, has moved beyond the structural displacement that tested the reader in The Waste Land. Here he has created that same challenging relationship with the reader through intellectual ideas. Let it not be thought, however, that he has abandoned the objective correlative. Even in this small section, while discussing such ideas as “attachment,” “detachment” and “indifference,” he constructs for the reader the sensory experience of the hedgerow, so that even while contemplating the nature of these ideas they form in the reader’s mind a distinct image and therefore evoke a distinct response.

Eliot continues on in section IV in his habit of juxtaposing and connecting alternating and seemingly contrary imagery, “The only hope, or else despair / Lies in the choice of pyre or pyre– / To be redeemed from fire by fire” (198-200). The images are elementary, but their placement is important. The difference between “pyre or pyre” and “from fire to fire” are obvious in reference to the fires of sin and hell, and the redeeming fires of heaven. These are not images created by Eliot, but his use in this way is instructive. He is not espousing an easily taken remedy to the problem of sin and death, as the answer is equally painful. This is not an especially comforting image of redemption, but it is the only one available. He continues on in an even less consoling mode, “Who then devised the torment? Love…Behind the hands that wove the intolerable shirt of flame…We only live, only suspire / Consumed by either fire or fire” (201-7). The pain of life, and the pain of the only possible redemption come from nothing other than love. It is a harsh prospect for humanity, but the only possible remedy.

In terms of literary allusions, Little Gidding seems to fall short of the bar Eliot set for himself within The Waste Land. There are a few present, to be sure. The “compound ghost” the speaker meets at line 97, Eliot himself declared was principally made up (in his mind) of Yeats and Swift. Line 179 talks of the “one who died blind and quiet,” an obvious reference to Milton. But where The Waste Land borrowed some of its major images from literary works, in Little Gidding Eliot seems to have replaced much of this with images drawn from his own experiences living in London during World War 2. It is well known that Eliot was an air raid warden during the war, and lines 80-151 present the speaker as patrolling the streets after a raid. There are also several instances within the poem when Eliot uses the image of the dove. On one level this, obviously, represents the numerous instances in the bible where the Holy Spirit is described as a dove descending from heaven (most notably John 1:32). But some of these references, such as in line 83, “...the dark dove with the flickering tongue” take on new meaning in light of Eliot’s life. Clearly in this instance, just before he heads out on patrol, the speaker is talking about the German bombers that have just “passed below the horizon.” The beginning of section IV is another instance of this, though with more ambiguity, “The dove descending breaks the air / With flame of incandescent terror / Of which the tongues declare / The one discharge from sin and error” (202-205). This is no simple image, as the dove simultaneously “breaks the air” and yet “tongues declare...discharge from sin and error.” This image has become both dive bomber and Holy Spirit, bringing both destruction and salvation. It seems a nearly impossible image to adequately conceive in one’s mind. Eliot continues in his use of contrasting imagery that we saw even as far back as the opening of The Waste Land, but instead of giving the reader a simple set of contrasting images Eliot has now constructed one that is, if not a complete contradiction, at least nearly impossible for the human mind to completely rectify. Eliot will employ this technique again to even greater effect at the close of the work.

One point to consider, however, is how Little Gidding (and all of Four Quartets) actually reads much more like a traditional poem than The Waste Land. On the one hand, the tone and composition of the earlier work were so radically different from much of what had come before. The numerous references to literature throughout the work, though, allowed Eliot to bridge the gap between old and new and thus could The Waste Land take its rightful place among the masterpieces that had come before. As Eliot grows older, though, and his philosophical ideology becomes more solidified he finds less need to work in “updated” modes of meter and form. Much of Four Quartets, in fact, has distinct meter patterns, and even rhyme schemes. This hearkening back to the form and structure of old is essential to the strength of the work. Here, Eliot has gone from fragmentation to “A poem with a re-established symbolic coherence created out of discursive fragments” (Emig 82), and the symbolic coherence is reflected in the structural coherence. The underlying symbology of each work, though, is still connected as both poems are referencing different facets of the same central themes even as Eliot’s philosophy has evolved. All of this, therefore, makes Four Quartets both a more “traditional” work in relation to the “dead poets,” but at the same time a unique and newly expressive work in Eliot’s personal cannon.

Section V is the beginning of the end of Four Quartets, and not surprisingly Eliot calls even this idea into question, “What we call the beginning is often the end / And to make an end is to make a beginning. / The end is where we start from” (208-210). As the beginning of Little Gidding recalled the beginning of The Waste Land, so too does the end of this poem recall the end of the other. The final coherent thought in The Waste Land, “These fragments I have shored against my ruins” is particularly poignant in light of the opening of section V, “The end is where we start from.” The beginning of the journey taken through Four Quartets, then, began at the end of The Waste Land. And there is no other place Eliot could have started, in fact. The previous poem was full of questions, while only revealing some glimpses of a few possible answers. The only thing ultimately definite about the previous poem is the questions. Naturally, this is where Eliot had to begin when constructing Four Quartets. This passage, though, is also looking forward, “for the exploration is not to end here with the poem but to move onwards beyond it” (Reibetanz 176). The final stanza, in fact, urges the reader to such action, “We shall not cease from exploration / And the end of all our exploring / Will be to arrive where we started / And know the place for the first time” (233-6).

Moving even further, though, Eliot now confronts the ultimate problems he finds with the physical world, time and death.

We die with the dying:

See, they depart, and we go with them.

We are born with the dead:

See, they return, and bring us with them.

The moment of the rose and the moment of the yew-tree

Are of equal duration. A people without history

Is not redeemed from time, for history is a pattern

Of timeless moments…(222-9).

Having equated beginning and end at the start of the section, here Eliot takes on the exact nature of time. The “moment” of the rose and the yew-tree “are of equal duration.” The poet has transcended the earthly concept of time, as it does not matter in the eternal realm of the spirit where “history is a pattern of timeless moments.” Moments do not happen and subsequently become lost to history, but rather all of history exists as moments for all eternity. This distinction of time is important in relation to the preceding discussion of death. “We die with the dying” and “we are born with the dead.” All of humanity, because of the timeless nature of moments, is constantly dying and being reborn. Death is no longer the pervading corruptive force of The Waste Land, but rather a part of human nature that should not necessarily be feared.

The poem ends with, perhaps, the most difficult image in Eliot’s cannon:

And all shall be well and

All manner of thing shall be well

When the tongues of flame are in-folded

Into the crowned knot of fire

And the fire and the rose are one (249-253).

On the face of it, the image seems fairly straightforward, but as Reibatanz points out:

…any representation of the fire and the rose as one must of necessity suggest either the fire engulfing the rose, or the rose transforming the fire. To our human comprehension, the balance must go one way or the other, for we cannot apprehend the razor’s edge of equilibrium that is present in the union of two distinct and contrasting entities into one (186).

But this is exactly what Eliot is doing and has done throughout this poem and his career. This unification, when “all shall be well and / all manner of thing shall be well” is nothing less than “the ultimate unification of all experience and all reality” (ibid).

For Eliot, the journey from The Waste Land to Little Gidding was anything but a straight and easy path. It was a 20-year odyssey that encompassed numerous episodes of pain and thought in the life of the poet. Nevertheless, it is an interesting study to see that while much changed for Eliot, in an outwardly way, the difficulties he dealt with in his art were continuous. Having posed many questions in the early portion of his work, Eliot systematically took on the task of seeking answers to those very questions he himself asked. It was a long process of discovery, in fact, to find those answers. Eliot, however, would not be satisfied to simply present them as mere discourse on the nature of humanity. His primary labor was, indeed, to craft those answers into art. This, perhaps, was the only option open to Eliot. The image of “And the fire and the rose are one” being so strongly in opposition to human experience and understanding that where else but in the poem could Eliot deliver it?

Works Cited

Alighieri, Dante. The Inferno. Trans. Robert & Jean Hollander. New York: DoubleDay, 2000.

Childs, Donald J. From Philosophy to Poetry: T.S. Eliot’s Study of Knowledge and Experience. New York: Palgrave, 2001.

Chaucer, Geoffrey. The Canterbury Tales. Trans. David Wright. Oxford: Oxford University Press, 1985.

De Lamotte, Eugenia. “Dissonance and Resolution in Four Quartets.” Modern Language Quarterly 49.4 (1988): 342-362.

Eliot, T.S. The Complete Poems and Plays: 1909-1950. New York: Harcourt, Brace and Company, 1971.

---. Selected Essays. New York: Harcourt, Brace and Company, 1950.

---. The Waste Land: Authoritative Texts, Contexts, Criticism. Ed. Michael North. New York: W. W. Norton & Company, 2001.

Emig, Rainer. Modernism in Poetry: Motivations, Structures and Limits. London: Longman Publishing, 1995.

Hall, Donald. The Paris Review Interviews. New York: Picador, 2006.

North, Michael. “T.S. Eliot: A Chronology.” North 293-95.

Rainey, Lawrence, Ed. The Annotated Waste Land with Eliot’s Contemporary Prose. New Have: Yale University Press, 2005.

Reibetanz, Julia Maniates. A Reading of Eliot’s Four Quartets. Ann Arbor: UMI Research Press, 1983.

Thompson, Eric. T.S. Eliot: The Metaphysical Perspective. Carbondale: Southern Illinois University Press, 1963.

Just so you don't think the cheese has been lazy, Or: the longest post to ever appear on this blog...

2006-12-18T23:37:00.000-08:00

Here, dear citizens, is your opportunity to bask in the glory of the cheese' most recent efforts on his journey toward dual (useless) master's degrees. Marvel at how, in a 15 page research paper on Emily Dickinson, he successfully includes cites to both Star Wars and The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy....

The Cheese

English 520

Dr. Esdale

December 13, 2006

Dickinson and Artistic Intent: The Question of Variant Poems

Emily Dickinson has, for many years, been a favorite of literary scholars and critics. When looking at the breadth of her work there seems a never ending variety of thematic topics to discuss or analyze. Coupled with the somewhat unusual facts surrounding her everyday life, Dickinson becomes an even more intriguing and enigmatic figure. One of the more unique aspects of her writing, though, is the fact that she often wrote multiple versions of her poems that included variations on certain words or phrases. Literary criticism being the endeavor it is, any critic armed with enough florid turns of phrase and logical acumen can extract near limitless readings from any manuscript of depth (be it poem, novel or short story). Add to that the fact that Dickinson was a writer who published almost no work during her life (and those few pieces that she did publish barely register as a spot on the totality of her collected work), and you have a writer who never created what the public might consider a codified “edition” of any single piece of her writing (let alone her entire canon). The floodgates, it would seem, are then left wide open as to how one might interpret any of the poems that include even a single variant, let alone those with multiple variant parts (and those with several options for each variant). It is not the focus of this paper to simply analyze some poems with variants, though that is, in many ways, an instructive exercise related to the matter at hand. The real question that is being approached here, rather, is just what was Dickinson doing by including these variants?

It is not an easily answered question. Or, one could easily answer it by asserting that Dickinson was merely using variants as a means by which to self-edit or improve those poems that included said variants. There is a tenet in scientific circles known as Occam’s Razor that states, essentially, all things being equal, the simplest solution is probably the best. In terms of Dickinson and her use of variants, this “self-edit” hypothesis would certainly fit the criteria of Occam’s Razor, for it does not require one to look extensively at the numerous variants, or postulate any hypothesis beyond what seems apparent in the manuscripts themselves. The problem with this hypothesis, though, is that we are not dealing with a scientific inquiry. This is not a question whose solution can be found in a lab. This is a problem that, at its core, revolves around a semi-reclusive woman who has been dead for 120 years and who, while alive, did not communicate even to close friends in a necessarily clear or straightforward manner. And so it seems disingenuous, both to the woman and her work, to simply write off the variants as mere acts of self-editing or drafting.

Let us begin by turning our attention to poem 1263, commonly known as “Tell all the truth but tell it slant.” The first two lines seem to relate a fairly straightforward (for Dickinson, at any rate) idea, “Tell all the truth but tell it slant - / Success in Circuit lies.” Essentially, then, it seems Dickinson is espousing a philosophy of tactful truthfulness. That is, that truth is important but it is best expressed in some manner other than complete candidness. The next two lines then appear to expand on this idea, “Too bright for our infirm Delight / The Truth's superb surprise.” Line three, however, contains the first of two variants within the poem. Instead of “infirm” Dickinson alternately allows “bold” to sit in its place. At first glance, it seems a trifling matter. The central point of the line would seem to be “our...Delight.” One might argue that changing the adjective describing the noun “Delight” is essentially making no real change, and this would not be an argument totally without merit. But the two adjectives that Dickinson uses here are so absolutely contradictory that to see them side by side strikes one as intriguing. The use of infirm implies that “our...Delight” is something weak, almost non-existent, that Truth will reveal to be hollow. Using the word bold instead, however, connotes that “our...Delight” is something strong, perhaps even fortified, that is destroyed (possibly violently) by Truth. Again, there are similarities in these two versions, as Truth seems to be serving in an instructive or clarifying manner in relation to Delight. But the way in which it acts in each, one illuminating and one annihilative, is very different.

The third set of two lines contains no variants, “As Lightning to the Children eased / With explanation kind,” and seems essentially straightforward. Then, however, in the final set of two lines the reader encounters the second and most important variant, “The Truth must dazzle gradually / Or every man be blind -” with “gradually” alternately replaced with the word “moderately.” Again it seems at first glance that these are similar ideas, simply separated by some order of degree. But close scrutiny reveals that these two word choices are, in fact, delivering two vastly different ideas.

In the first rendition we have “Truth must dazzle gradually.” While this, in some way, echoes the sentiment of the opening lines it also seems to imply that there is no stopping point. If Truth does dazzle “gradually,” regardless of how slow a pace it is revealed, Truth should, at some point, be completely disclosed. The use of “moderately,” however, seems to set a limit on the amount, rather than the speed, of Truth that people can handle. Moderately, we would most likely take as meaning “within a reasonable limit.” In this reading, then, it is not how quickly (or really, how slowly) man can handle Truth, but how much actual Truth man can cope with period. So where lies the “true” meaning of the poem? Must a person approach Truth slowly, that he might appreciate its fullness properly, or must he take in what truth he can and be happy with that? The two would seem mutually exclusive, for if one is to know only a fraction of Truth, then one cannot know it fully.

There is, of course, the possibility that the variants exist, rather than to replace specific words, to demonstrate deeper meaning within the work. In other words, that the variants need not be seen as a choice of one or the other, but rather all of the word choice options set down by
Dickinson exist as parts of the poem to enhance the totality of meaning within the work. In a more theoretical way, that is, in a strictly philosophical sense, the duality of meaning suggested by the variants can be seen as, perhaps, two sides of the same coin, each one illuminating facets of the other. This, in fact, might not be an entirely far fetched idea as Monte reminds us, “...the reader need to be alert for alternative meanings in Dickinson’s poetry while expecting its driving impulse to be toward interrelated concerns...” (29).

As Franklin notes in the Variorum Edition, this poem was not included in any of the fascicles Dickinson constructed, nor was it (as far as we know) sent to anyone in a letter, but survives for us on a “fragment of stationary” (1089). Certainly, then, one might argue (at least in relation to this poem) that Dickinson was in fact practicing a form of self-edit by including the variants. Perhaps her desire here was to tease out exactly what she wanted this poem to do, or how she wanted it to read. Certainly this would seem a fairly likely explanation in this instance. But then what are we to make of poem 292, “I got so I could hear his name -” (see attached). Here is a 27 line poem (a bit on the longer side for Dickinson, true) that contains no less than seven variants (and the variants for lines one and 23 each have two options). The first variant, in fact, causes a shift in how one perceives the entire poem. The first line reads “I got so I could hear his name -” with two possibilities for “hear,” both “think” and “take.” The first option, “think” does little to change the perception of the line, as both connote a simple passive (“think” is, obviously, not exactly passive but there is no direct contact with the man even when employing this variant) experience with the man’s name. The second optional variant “take,” however, is a verb, and not just a suggestive one. Reading this variant with the second line, in fact, turns the entire poem from passivity to action; “I got so I could take - his name - / Without - Tremendous gain -.” Instead of the mere idea, or thought, of the man, the speaker has now fully taken on this man creating a specific connectivity between both speaker and man. It could be argued that this is a metaphorical, or imaginative, taking. Dickinson, famously, did not marry and the wording “I got so” can be taken to infer thinking about “taking” on the man’s name. But the use of “take” develops a connectivity, between speaker and man, that seen in light of the second variant, seems correct.

The entire second stanza reads, “I got so I could walk across / That Angle in the floor, / Where he turned so, and I turned - how - / And all our sinew tore -.” This version seems to flow well with either of the first two variants of line one. In this sequence we see the speaker walking past the man and both parties turn (or turn away). In the case of the speaker, the “how” seems to be a question of “how could she turn from him?” And yet she does turn from him, and in that action their collective “sinew” (both speaker and man) tears. The variant here, is in line seven and reads “Where he turned so, and I let go -.” This variant, though, would seem to fall more in line with the second variant of line one. Instead of the connectedness of the two being a thought within the speakers head, the second line one variant expresses a specific connection. That connection, rather than simply requiring the speaker to turn away, would require a much more dynamic action at this point in the poem than a simple “turning away,” and “letting go” is certainly one. And this variant, because of the substantially stronger connection (coupled with the second variant to line one), expresses an even more powerful and awful “tearing” of “sinew” in line eight.

The fourth stanza, “Could dimly recollect a Grace - / I think, they called it “God” - / Renowned to ease Extremity - / When Formula, had failed -” contains three variants, two of which are incredibly important. The first occurs in line 13, with “Grace” being replaced by “Force.” Grace, especially in light of the capitalization, can easily be a stand in term for God. And, not coincidently, “God” is used in the following line. But by using the term “Grace,” as opposed to any of the number of other terms at her disposal, Dickinson is relating a specific idea of God. This is not the vengeful God of the Old Testament. Grace, in fact, implies a personnalness about God and how he acts in relation to mankind. The variant “Force,” however, does the exact opposite. One finds it hard to imagine a “Force” with any sort of personal attributes that a human can relate to, let alone a “Force” imparting anything even remotely resembling grace. And following on the dichotomy of these variants line 15, “Renowned to ease Extremity -” a natural expression following the use of “Grace,” can also be read “Renowned to stir - Extremity -.” This seems at complete odds with the “Grace” variant, but completely in line with the use of the “Force” variant. The last line of the stanza, “When Formula, had failed -” also alternately reads “When Filament - had failed -.” There is, of course, a meaningful difference in “Formula” and “Filament,” particularly in relation to the line one variants, where “Filament” reinforces the idea of connectedness. This variant, though, is of less import up against the two preceding variants in this fourth stanza.

The difference in the two variant versions of the poems may not be as pronounced as in poem 1263. The difference here is more subtle, though no less intriguing. And while seeing the variants in 1263 as part of the whole may be a more taxing intellectual effort for the reader, in the case of 292 we see, when taking in the totality of meaning and significance of the variants, that indeed there is a coherent overarching thematic structure that easily acknowledges, and is strengthened by, the inclusion of the variants. Unlike poem 1263, however, 292 was included by Dickinson in one of her fascicles. This then brings up another issue we must consider in this discussion, how do you evaluate the fascicles? At some level, it may come down to personal preference since, as Franklin notes, the fascicles were

“...of simple construction...To bind, Dickinson stacked the assembled sheets, with the overflow leaves (if any) in place, and punched two holes through the group, threading it with string, tied in front. She did not put her name on the fascicles, give them titles or title pages, or label, number, or otherwise distinguish them. They bear no pagination or signature markings to establish an internal order...there are no contents lists or indexes to aid in locating a particular one. It is apparent that she did not keep them in a particular order...(7-8).

From this description (and Franklin would certainly be one of the most reliable sources in this regard) there might be the inclination to discredit the importance Dickinson placed on the fascicles since she made no effort to catalog their contents. Even with such a simple construction, however, the very act of creating the fascicles (and creating so many over so long a period) suggests that Dickinson had some desire to record in a more permanent fashion many of her poems. Clearly she was not going about compiling her “Complete Works” but she was making an effort to standardize some of her poems. Indeed, Franklin confirms that once a poem was copied from a working draft into “...a later form, such as a fascicle, the drafts were destroyed” (11). Of course, this did not preclude her from, later in her life, simply copying working copies verbatim into the fascicles themselves (Franklin 18). Even with this seemingly inherent contradiction, though, it would be a disservice to ignore the importance of the fascicle process in Dickinson’s art. The very act of producing these small booklets did allow Dickinson to act in a quasi-editorial capacity over her poems. And yet, as in the case of of 292, at the end of that editorial event the poem still included multiple variants.

At this point it is pertinent to consider that freedom of (or questions of) artistic intent is something that happens on a regular basis. In recent years the American public has been witness to the auteuristic tendencies of George Lucas. In 1977 the first Star Wars film was released in theaters, with subsequent sequels in (The Empire Strikes Back) 1980 and (Return of the Jedi) in 1983. In 1997 George Lucas re-released a “Special Edition” of all three films to theaters world-wide. Each of the 1997 versions had been altered in some way from the original theatrical release. The subsequent VHS and DVD versions of the “Special Edition” trilogy also included even more changes on top of those from the 1997 theatrical versions (as an interesting aside, just this year Lucas has released a DVD box set of all three “Classic” versions of the films, that is, the films as they were seen when originally released in theaters in 1977, 1980 and 1983 respectively). Lucas’ explanation of why he felt the need to create these new versions is that:

Episode IV was not really finished because I didn't have the money, the time or the technology to finish it. At the time I was kind of upset about it...And I was saying, ‘I feel it's only 50 or 60% of what I wanted. I'm really disappointed, I'm really sad, it bothers me to watch it.’ And to a minor degree, that was true on the next two films, partly because I was financing them myself and they were more complicated. I did those films in a Special Edition to finish them off the way I meant them to be (Anwar).

Unable to accomplish, technologically, his original vision of the films when they were initially produced, Lucas was forced to wait until advances in the science of film making made it possible for him to finish the films the way he originally envisioned them. In this instance, though, Lucas' inability to exactly create his vision was a limit of the medium at the time (the 1970's), and the subsequent corrections done by the film maker were only possible once technology had adequately evolved. In relation to Dickinson, this is instructive in how we (as the literary critical world) view her work. It is assumed that one of the reasons she did not publish (much) during her lifetime was her dislike of what alterations might be required, in the form of structural and format changes, of her poetry. This problem, of course, did not exist in her chosen forms of “publication,” the fascicles and letters. It seems obvious, then, that the variant forms that exist of her poems were not, in fact, simply her attempts to “get it right.” Dickinson had nothing to hinder her, either as an outside influence (as in the case of an editor) or technologically (as was the case with Lucas), from producing exactly the art she wanted to.

There is, though, another type of influence to consider in the example Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Originally produced as a radio drama, the story was subsequently retold by Adams as a novel, TV series, graphic novel, video game and feature film. Each of these renditions was written or created by Adams himself. The one exception, the film, was produced after Adams' death, though he wrote the penultimate draft of the screenplay and is responsible for about 90% of the film’s final story (Lacey R20). Being that each variation of the story is told in a different medium each version does vary, in terms of story structure and plot, slightly (or in a couple of cases, greatly) from every other. To Adams this seemed a necessity to accommodate the underlying differences in each specific medium. In fact, in 1985 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: The Original Radio Scripts was published. Adams later wrote that “...it is the only example of one Hitchhiker publication accurately and consistently reflecting another. I feel a little uncomfortable with this...”(xi). The motivation behind Adam’s unease at the publication of the radio scripts stems from the fact that, as each medium is necessarily different, and therefore has different factors by which success (in terms of a “good” story) is judged, the actual Hitchhiker story that is told in each medium is different. This was a situation that Adams embraced wholeheartedly as it seems fairly obvious that what may work in a novel may not adequately transfer to a film, or radio drama, or TV series. The examples of George Lucas and Douglas Adams may appear completely unrelated to the life or artistic proclivities of Emily Dickinson.

In many ways, though, Dickinson is such an enigma to current scholars that, at times, it is useful to approach her work from more familiar territory. If we can use the examples of others to illuminate what Dickinson certainly was not doing, then by a process of elimination we can come to a better understanding of what she, in fact, was attempting. If, however, we only ever try to gain an understanding of Dickinson solely from her letters and poems, thanks to the distance we have from her (in time) and the reclusive nature of her life while she did live, we may never be able to make any real meaningful or lasting insights into her work (the current debate going on in critical circles about how we should even approach her work, i.e. original manuscripts vs. typed reproductions is one such debate that can have no resolution if we are unable to make connections about Dickinson to the larger literary world).

Emily Dickinson, as we know, worked exclusively in poetry and letters. She was under no technological inability to produce her vision, such as Lucas, nor was she slave to the strictures of a specific medium, like Adams. Poetry, one might well argue, is one of the most open and unrestricted of all art forms. And while Dickinson herself predates the Modernists and all they did to tear away much of the stagnant formality that poetry had been subject to for many years, her poetry is so vastly different in technique and voice from nearly everything that had come before, it seems apparent she was not afraid to write exactly how, and what, she wanted. We come back, then, to the fact that we can easily say Dickinson’s work with the fascicles was, in fact, her own exercise at self-editing. But as Franklin also points out, sometimes poems from the fascicles were sent to recipients first, as in the case of poem 18 “Morns like these we parted” before being transcribed into a fascicle (17). This would seem to indicate that, more than just a place to set out an intermediate “working” version, the fascicles also represented some form of benchmark at least on equal footing with submitting a poem to someone in a letter.

Furthermore, the relationship between the fascicle and letter versions of a poem is also something to consider. There has, at times, been a predilection in critical circles to favor fascicle forms of poems over letter forms. But as Messmer points out, the critical focus on the “...‘unauthorized’ fascicles all too easily tend to obscure the fact that her correspondence was indeed ‘authorized’ by the poet herself, if only for an alternative (‘private’) form of publication, that is, for circulation among friends and family”(184). And this argument would seem logical except for the fact that, often, Dickinson would send the same poem to multiple recipients, and each recipient would receive a variant form, such as with poem 579 “The soul unto itself.” Three separate versions of this poem exist, in fact, all written in 1863. Variants A and B were enclosed in letters to T.W. Higginson and Susan Dickinson (though the name “Sue” had been erased on the letter), and variant C was included in fascicle 25. To best make a comparison of variants A and B it is instructive to see them side by side:

The two most immediate differences between both versions are the stanza break in the Higginson variant and the dashes included in the variant sent to Susan Dickinson. It is well known that Dickinson sent some poems to Higginson after he published the article “Letter to a Young Contributor,” in the April 1862 edition of Atlantic Monthly, and that while Higginson was generally complimentary toward Dickinson’s work he was critical of her form and structure (Ward 179-80). At the time that he received poem 579 Higginson was in command of a black regiment in South Carolina during the Civil War. It is, therefore, entirely possible that in the act of sending her friend a poem, one seemingly meant to uplift his spirit in a time of need, she consciously did away with any structural and format issues he would have disdained. Indeed, even with its method of capitalization and consciou spelling choice of the word “Sovreign,” variant A still appears more like a classical two stanza poem. Variant B embodies much more what we have come to expect from a Dickinson poem. (There are, of course, the dashes. Since, however, there has been countless pages in journals and books devoted to finding the exact reason for, and meaning of, the dashes. And they are of only tangential importance to this discussion it simply needs to be stated that they exist in one version and are absent in the other.) But if one looks deeper at the two variants, some marked and important differences become apparent.

The stanza break in variant A is of utmost importance in how one must necessarily approaches the poem. For good or ill many readers see a stanza break and unconsciously read the poem with a pause. Whether or not Higginson did such a thing is of less importance than the fact that he would look not only at the words, but also the structure of the poem, and realize that each stanza comprises a different, though complimentary, and free standing idea. Each stanza can exist on its own without the other. While the meaning of the first stanza, and its discussion of the dual nature of the human soul, is deepened by its relation to the second, one need not read the second stanza to make sense of the first. Accordingly, the second stanza, and its proclamation that the soul should be in awe of its own ‘sovreign’ty, is only heightened by the existence of the soul’s possible treason of the first stanza, but is not reliant on it. The break, in fact, makes these two ideas complimentary in such a way that is not accomplished in variant B, for in that version all the ideas are connected as one single strain of thought.

The other small but immensely significant difference is the variant word in the last line, “be” and “stand.” In version A, the line “The Soul should be in Awe” speaks of the soul as in a state of being; that it should exist in awe of itself or what it can accomplish. Whereas version B, “The Soul should stand in awe -” refers to the soul in a state of action; standing. Granted, it is a state of passive action, but to stand is a specific act one must take. Of course, in each instance the phrase is qualified by “should,” and so this is less a prescription than a supposition. But the difference in the two phrases is remarkably important for one cannot exist in any state without that state encompassing the individual entirely, while one can take a specific action without being in a specific state of existence. And not coincidently, the two recipients were in vastly different situations when receiving their respective versions of the poem. Higginson was in the middle of the bloodiest war known to American history leading an all black regiment (a fact that cannot be overstated). Susan Dickinson was a housewife. Higginson was existing is a specific state of being, and it seems that Dickinson was keenly aware of the import of what he was doing, and she had a definite idea about how he should see himself. For Susan, though, the poem takes on a reflective tone instructing the reader to “stand in awe” of those men, like Higginson, that were experiencing great loss and horror for the betterment of their country.

The third version of this poem, the one Dickinson enshrined in a fascicle seems, to be a compromise, or more precisely, a synthesis of both versions A and B.

A
The Soul unto itself
Is an imperial friend
Or the most agonizing Spy
An Enemy could send

Secure against it’s own
No treason it can fear
Itself it’s Sovreign of itself
The Soul should be in Awe

B
The Soul unto itself
Is an imperial friend -
Or the most agonizing Spy
An Enemy - could send -
Secure against it’s own -
No treason it can fear -
Itself - it’s Sovreign - Of itself
The Soul should stand it awe -

C
The Soul unto itself
Is an imperial friend -
Or the most agonizing Spy -
An Enemy - could send -

Secure against it’s own -
No treason it can fear -
Itself - it’s Sovreign - Of itself
The soul should stand in Awe -

Perhaps it is a false assumption, but as we know that versions A and B were meant for Higginson and Susan Dickinson respectively, it does not seem a huge leap to think of version C, the version that Dickinson copied into one of the fascicles, as the variant that Dickinson wanted for herself. Not surprisingly, version C uses the two stanza structure, with its emphasis on deepening meaning between the two parts, and also utilizes the dashes that Dickinson was so fond of. Most importantly, though, version C uses the B variant, the reflective variant, of the last line. This too would fall in line with the hypothesis that this version was Dickinson’s own preferred version, for she, like Susan, would stand in awe of the soul’s “sovreign” nature.

In some ways, though, the letters present a more complicated problem when trying to determine Dickinson’s motives for the variants. As Mitchell points out:

The letters to Bowles, for instance, are more reserved than those to her sister-in-law and close friend Susan Dickinson...It has been argued that the scraps bespeak a ‘comfort level’ with Susan that Dickinson could never feel with Higginson or Bowles. The very materiality of these different texts, then, has a meaning. But precisely how this meaning can be formulated is difficult to say. For some critics confidentiality enables Dickinson to be experimental. But perhaps it means the opposite (“Revising the Script: Emily Dickinson’s Manuscripts” 712).

And it seems rather obvious that a letter written to a close friend (i.e., Susan) would, of necessity, read and behave differently than a letter written to a mere acquaintance (even one whom she obviously admired, such as Higginson). And the letters sent to Susan, in particular, are interesting because “Emily’s writings to Susan expand from conventional letters to what Susan refers to as ‘letter-poems’ as she later compiles her book of Emily’s writings. These ‘letter-poems’ are letters that look and sound like poems; they are also poems addressed to Susan that read like letters or messages” (Hart 65). Even with these ‘letter-poems’ it seems that there is a deliberateness at work. If producing these ‘letter-poems’ were nothing more than an exercise or pastime, then why not produce them for more than a single recipient? On some level, though, that is the entire problem with Dickinson scholarship. Everything she did, not matter how great or small, can be challenged with a single word, why?

Perhaps, in answer to that larger underlying question, but specifically in regards to the question of variants, there are multiple ways to view everything Dickinson did. Mitchell suggests such a possibility (specifically in relation to poem 1671 “Take all away from me,” but it can be easily extrapolated to include variants):

One can read her indecision in different ways—as a sign of a dynamic and innovative intelligence attuned to the nuances of meaning afforded by varieties...and deliberately experimenting with them; as an indication that Dickinson was never fully satisfied with the balance of the poem, which she reworked restlessly but fruitlessly to get right; or as a token of a more casual or impressionistic relationship to the lines...(Measures of Possibility 183).

It seems almost folly to assume Dickinson has only a “casual” relationship to any of the lines she produced. Certainly it is a possibility that cannot be completely disregarded, but to make such a statement would seem to drastically undervalue all she did in creating variants in the first place. Why produce variants at all then, and specifically variants intended for particular recipients such as poem 579, if one is not invested deeply with the poem. Accordingly, one must assume that there were poems Dickinson produced that she never “got right.” But the simple fact that she shared many of these poems with highly educated and respected people (Higginson and Bowles most prominently) would imply she had confidence in at least some of what she produced. So that leaves us with the conclusion that yes, in fact, the variant versions were purposeful and part of Dickinson’s method as an author. As Bushell affirms “...Dickinson allows space within the creative process for unintended meaning and that such a space, and such a meaning, is an integral part of creative composition” (26).

Of course, Dickinson openly resisted publishing, and as such left us, if we are completely honest, with only manuscript versions of all her work because she was never forced, in a rigid editorial environment, to make specific (and by publishing, what we would construe as binding) authorial choices. As an artist, Emily Dickinson was without parallel. Much of her power, though, may come from her specific desire (by not attempting to publish) to have no set version of her work. It seems that the ideas and themes related in the variant versions of “Tell all the truth but tell it slant -” and “I got so I could hear his name -” are oddly contradictory while simultaneously complimentary. And the connected relationship between the variant versions of “The Soul unto itself” simply cannot be ignored. Unfortunately for us, her specific intent will never be known for certain. And this, as any critic who has attempted to tackle Dickinson will attest, is the most frustrating, and engaging, aspect of her work.

Works Cited

Adams, Douglas. “A Guide to the Guide: Some unhelpful remarks from the author.” Introduction. The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide. By Douglas Adams. New York: Portland House, 1997.

Brett, Anwar. “George Lucas: Star Wars Episode III Interview.” 18 May 2005. BBC. 5 Dec. 2006 <_http://www.bbc.co.uk/films/2005/05/18/george_lucas_star_wars_episode_iii interview.shtml>.

Bushell, Sally. “Meaning in Dickinson’s Manuscripts: Intending the Unintentional.” The Emily Dickinson Journal 14.1 (2005): 24-61.

Franklin, R. W., Ed. The Poems of Emily Dickinson: Variorum Edition. 3 Vols. Cambridge: Belknap Press, 1998.

Hart, Ellen Louise & Martha Nell Smith, Eds. Open Me Carefully: Emily Dickinson’s Intimate Letters to Susan Huntington Dickinson. Ashfield, Massachusetts: Paris Press, 1998.

Lacey, Liam. “Hitching their wagon to a phenom.” The Globe and Mail [Canada] 29 April 2005: R20.

Messmer, Marietta. A Vice for Voices: Reading Emily Dickinson’s Correspondence. Amherst: University of Massachusetts Press, 2001.

Mitchell, Domhnall. Measures of Possibility: Emily Dickinson’s Manuscripts. Amherst: University of Massachusetts Press, 2005.

—. “Revising the Script: Emily Dickinson’s Manuscripts.” American Literature 70 (1998): 705-737.

Monte, Steven. “Dickinson’s Searching Philology.” The Emily Dickinson Journal 12.2 (2003): 21-51.

Ward, Theodora. The Capsule of the Mind: Chapters in the Life of Emily Dickinson. Cambridge: Belknap Press, 1961.

Poem 292 – “I got so I could hear his name -”

I got so I could hear his name -
Without - Tremendous gain -
That Stop-sensation - on my Soul -
And Thunder - in the Room -

I got so I could walk across 5
That Angle in the floor,
Where he turned so, and I turned - how -
And all our Sinew tore -

I got so I could stir the Box -
In which his letters grew 10
Without that forcing, in my breath -
As Staples - driven through -

Could dimly recollect a Grace -
I think, they called it “God” -
Renowned to ease Extremity - 15
When Formula, had failed -

And shape my Hands -
Petition’s way,
Tho’ ignorant of a word
That Ordination - utters - 20

My Business - with the Cloud,
If any Power behind it, be,
Not subject to Despair -
It care - in some remoter way,
For so minute affair 25
As Misery -
Itself, too great, for interrupting - more -

1 hear] think - * take -
7 turned - how -] let go -
13 Grace] Force
15 to ease Extremity -] to stir - Extremity -
16 Formula, had failed -] Filament - had failed -
23 Not subject to] Supremer than - * Superior to -
27 great] vast

Excerpted from The Poems of Emily Dickinson: Variorum Edition, Edited by R.W. Franklin.

You Control the Galaxy

2006-12-15T10:42:00.000-08:00

In honor of their new game, Lethal Alliance, Lucasarts has release the "Build your own Deathstar" site. Now you can put railings up so the emperor doesn't fall into the reactor. Or cover up that womprat sized exhaust port.

The greatest story ever written reviewed by Massawyrm at Ain't it cool

2006-12-14T14:35:00.000-08:00

If no one has told you yet, Eragon is one of the greatest stories ever told. Seriously. The story is absolutely amazing, a classic tale full of archetypes, intrigue and magic. You see, it’s about this young, blond farmboy, who has been mysteriously left with his uncle by his mother - who discovers that he is the last of specially chosen group of warriors. Those warriors, long ago, were betrayed by one of their own and slaughtered – leaving only the betrayer (now the king of a vast empire), an old Hermit, and the young boy, to carry on the traditions. The hermit takes the young boy under his wing and begins to train him in the ways of magic and they set out on a mission to venture to a rebel base which struggles against the empire – and along the way he picks up a young rogue and together they have to save a princess from a dark fortress.

And, no. I’m not kidding. Eragon isn’t what many of you think it is. It is not a ripoff of Lord of the Rings crossed with Anne McCaffrey’s Dragon Riders of Pern. Oh, there’s certainly enough stolen from both of those to make more than a few assholes pucker – including a long ride to save someone poisoned by the magic touch of a ‘shade’ and, well, the Battle of Helm’s Deep. But really, this movie doesn’t simply borrow from Star wars – it doesn’t simply pay homage to Star Wars. Eragon rips off Star Wars. Beat for fucking beat.

Without ever having read the original novel it was based upon, I knew what every moment had in store for me. Not because it was movie predictable, in the way you come to instinctively figure out the plot – but rather because I followed along with my mental script of Star Wars. I knew when characters would show up, when they would die and what plot twists were in store every step of the way. Because every single one of them is straight out of Episode IV: A New Hope. It’s a good thing Fox already owns the rights to that movie – because otherwise there could be some serious imperial legal entanglements.

Yes, yes, yes. I understand that this is adapted from a novel that was written by a teenager. Ask me if I give a shit. My nine year-old nephew tells some pretty great stories his own self – but you don’t see me trying to raise millions of dollars to adapt it into a Christmas blockbuster. There’s a reason kids that young rarely get publishing deals. Because they tend to do shit like re-write Star Wars with dragons.

Look, I’ve got nothing against this kid. I wish him the best, really I do. I hope he grows up into a fine writer that I can one day sit down and have a beer with and laugh and laugh and laugh about the time he convinced Fox to dump millions into a terrible remake of one of the greatest science fiction epics ever made. But today ain’t that day. Today me, and the folks who have already seen it, are the only ones laughing.

So aside from the obvious plot and idea theft, how bad is it? Pretty fucking bad.

The dialog is a thing to behold. It defies even the word ‘awful.’ Most of it is stilted, unnatural and just plain ass-clenching. Veterans Malkovich, Weisz and Carlyle as well as newcomer Edward Speleers each take their turns fumbling over the insipid attempts at using the English language while Sienna Guillory (herself a veteran of such epically bad genre films as Resident Evil: Apocalypse and The Time Machine) manages to grasp on with both hands and only occasionally sounds mildly retarded. Surprisingly, the one person who wrestles the dialog to the ground and completely makes it his bitch is the one guy everyone keeps joking about being in the film at all – Jeremy Irons. Somewhere along the line, Irons seems to have felt the need to do penance for Dungeons & Dragons, and understanding that this film is simply a repackaged Star Wars, turned to the man who previously played the role, Alec Guinness, for inspiration. I guess if Guinness could make Lucas’s dialog pop, Irons could attempt this.

And frankly, Irons is in a completely different movie from everyone else. Even Malkovich barely seems to show up for his paycheck, but Irons is acting like this was Lord of the Rings. He’s the only one that really seems to be trying.

The movie’s pretty laughable, but not quite as chuckle inducing as this years The Covenant - although there are tons of moments that you MST3K monkeys can chuck barbs at. Especially if you know your Star Wars.

So is there anything worthwhile? Well, first time director Stefan Fangmeier is a long time SFX supervisor – and despite the CG in the trailer looking pretty bad – in the finished film there are moments of real beauty. The Dragon is truly a character unto itself, complete with a unique “furry dragon” look and a wide range of facial emotions that brings the character to life (despite the terrible mental telepathy voice over that entails the entire verbal communication.) And there is a jaw dropping, fucking bad ass as all hell final dog fight sequence between the Dragon and a cool looking smoke dragon with a sorcerer chucking fireballs off of its back that pretty much any and every fantasy fan owes it to themselves to see.

It’s sad that in order to see such an amazing sequence, one actually has to sit through an hour and a half of complete drek – but that’s par for the course when SFX supervisors get their first chance at the director’s chair. You get beautiful scenes in crappy movies. It is also a shame that this is the one and only cool looking set piece in the film. Everything else feels borrowed or stolen wholesale out of LotR. It would seem our young writer isn’t the only one who found himself inspired by that material.

All in all, Eragon is a train wreck that lacks even the originality of the crop of terrible 80’s fantasy that many of us hold near and dear. And with that in mind, I can honestly see this as being a film that is very popular with the kids and young teens out there who won’t as readily put together the direct correlations. There’s very little actual blood in the film, no swearing and absolutely ZERO sensuality – it’s PG - so anyone who’s kids want to see this, well, it’s incredibly safe and they’ll probably love the ever loving shit out of it. But it’s not something I would recommend you stick around for.

Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

Massawyrm

Warhammer Fantasy 2007 Campaign

2006-12-14T13:17:00.000-08:00

Heres a couple rumors about the campaign

Got my White Dwarf today and it has a two page announcement regarding the next warhammer fantasy campaign. It says "Who will claim the Nemesis Crown?" and then says global campaign commences July 2007.

On the opposite page their is a picture of a rune of some sort etched in stone. It is a sort of crown looking shape with an infinity symbol below it.

So along with some info about Dark Angels and Vampire Counts, I got some good info about the summer campaign.
Apparently the rumour about not advancing the timeline was false. The Nemesis War will have a major impact on the Warhammer World.
It is set in the south (Border Princes, Badlands) and centres around a crown made by Alrik the Mad (not sure if the name is spelt right). Apparently this crown is "one ring" in level of power and Alrik hid it away, knowing that he has made something so powerful that nobody should ever have it. So of course everyone wants it.
I've been told that the results of this campaign will advance the storyline more than any other in the past. There will be a slew of new special characters for all armies to use during the campaign as these are the major players involved in the hunt for the crown. I know that the dwarf character is a descendant of Alrik's who is trying to prevent anyone from finding the crown.
How any of this will tie in with WAR is not known at this time, but I'm sure GW wouldn't pass up the oppertunity to cross promote these two.
I should have more info soon.

So I'm kinda skeptical about the second rumor just because GW has been leaning away from the huge world changing events. Secondly, I doubt GW will create a slew of new characters for a smaller campaign.

Grand Theogonist Volkmar

2006-12-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

Volkmar the Grim, Grand Theogonist of the Cult of Sigmar, is one of the most powerful Men in the Empire. Before the invasion of Archaon the Everchosen, Volkmar had been the sternest adherent of Sigmar's teachings, but malicious rumour-mongers cast doubts upon his devotion to the ideals of the Empire's warrior god. For days at a time he would lock himself in the secret repository of the tomes of forbidden lore, in search of an answer to the dark menace gathering in the far north.

Convinced only he could save the Empire, the fiery Volkmar marched north at the head of an army of Flagellants and Talabecland state troops to do battle with Archaon over the barren tundra of the Troll Country. Though the Grand Theogonist and his warriors fought heroically, they could not defeat the power of Archaon, and Volkmar himself was cut down by the Everchosen's daemon sword. Rather than allow the Grand Theogonist to rest in peace, the Daemon Be'lakor dragged Volkmar's soul back to his ravaged flesh and chained him to a daemonic standard in undying torment. Volkmar's spirit was forged of steel and he fought the malign influence of Chaos with every fibre of his being. During the Siege of Middenheim, Volkmar tore free from his hellish bondage and smote the Daemons with the enchanted chains that had once held him.

You may include Grand Theogonist Volkmar in your Empire army as a Lords choice.

Chicken Fried Bacon!

2006-12-05T13:31:00.000-08:00

My heart hurt just from watching the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfbTO0GlONU

Empire Helstorm Rocket!!

2006-12-05T10:21:00.000-08:00

After watching the spectacular fireworks of a Cathayan emissary to Altdorf, Master Engineer Herman Faulkstein was inspired to transform this eastern technology into a weapon. His early research blew apart entire laboratories of the College of Engineers while he attempted to discover the secrets of rocket-powered flight, but the permanently soot-blackened Engineer never lost faith that his designs had a military value.

Faulkstein's original rockets were wildly inaccurate; madly corkscrewing weapons that had no chance whatsoever of hitting anything other than (eventually) the ground. Further refinements such as fins, long sticks added to the base of a rocket and a launch carriage to direct the early portion of its flight further improved stability and accuracy — though neither were particularly impressive. However, when the rockets did manage to land on target, the results were devastating, with entire enemy regiments blown apart by an earth-shaking cascade of shrieking, explosive rockets. After the Elector Count of Middenland was almost blown to smithereens by an errant volley of rockets (though he was nowhere near the intended target) they were dubbed "Helstorm" rockets after the colourful language used by the count on the unfortunate Engineer.

You may include a Helstorm Rocket Battery in your Empire army as a Rare Units choice.

Mark of Chaos, OMG

2006-11-29T14:22:00.000-08:00

So in the week that the game has been out there have been 3, yes 3 patches. Now said game doesn't have a skirmish mode, a way to trade items between heroes/regiments, multiplayer doesn't work, you can't update the game via the updater built into the game, and it randomly crashes on a number of computers hence the 3 patches. Thankfully Namco/Blackhole rolled the 1.1 into the larger 1.2 patch(since there was a day bewteen the two) which is about 300mb. Now, v1.3 is also 300mb could this game have launched in any worse shape? Thankfully you don't need the CD key on the manual since you only need it for multiplayer, and that doesn't work.

The game does have a good sence of how the table top plays but I'd rather they'd kept the gold equal to the TT version of points. The units when they stand still look awesome, and the huge amount of head/arm/legs/horse swapping is nice but thats the end of the shinny. The unit animations are kinda weak compared to similiar games. The terrain looks good(roads, and towers) to shotty(trees, and grass) depending on which feature it is. The trooper models always look good because they were to rushed to create a Lod(Level of Display) system which is why it has insane system requirments, and recommendations. The larger the battle the slower you'll be going.

Yes, it has been a long time...

2006-11-18T21:54:00.000-08:00

Since the cheese last communicated with his loyal subjects. And, as you may have well guessed, it in no way reflects how the cheese feels about the inhabitants of cheeselandia.

But, what can your benevolent overlord say? The duties associated with raising princess Isabella into what will one day be cheeselandia's greatest leader of all time take up a considerable amount of time. Coupled with the whole full time graduate school thing means the cheese has less and less time to do anything not related to bottles, diaper changes, or British Modern Literature.

Yes, it is a trying time in citadel tower. But as the cheese gazes on the sleeping forms of the princess and momma_cheese he realizes that, yes in fact, it is all worth it.

The Clockwork horse

2006-11-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

Degyte's Movie Explosion

2006-11-16T08:22:00.000-08:00

Today the internet yielded a plethora of humorous videos. Well not so much a plethora as 2. Anyway I thought I would share the love with all the citizens of Cheeselandia.

The first is another video for Weird Al. This one a video for his Taylor Hicks Parody:

Do I Creep You Out | Send To Friends | Animated Cartoons at JibJab

The second is a recut trailer for Mary Poppins.

Robot Identifies Human Flesh As Bacon

2006-11-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks goes to Mojo for finding this :)

Let the robot holocaust commence: robots think we taste like bacon.

Researchers at NEC System technologies and Mie University have designed the cute little guy to the right: a metal man gastronomist, "an electromechanical sommelier", capable of identifying wines, cheeses, meats and hors d'oeuvres. Upon being given a sample, he will speak up in a childlike voice and identify what he has just been fed. The idea is that wineries can tell if a wine is authentic without even opening the bottle, amongst other more obscure uses...like "tell me what this strange grayish lump at the back of my freezer is/was."

But when some smart aleck reporter placed his hand in the robot's omnivorous clanking jaw, he was identified as bacon. A cameraman then tried and was identified as prosciutto.

Absolutely horrifying. Like cows, once robots taste blood, their hunger for human flesh can never be satiated.

Paladins are wholely unnatural abominations!!

2006-11-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

Jumping off a bridge to coolness

2006-11-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

Since every other geek driven website has this, I thought I would post it here as well. Behold the newest trailer for Spiderman 3. It definitely looks good. I have some concerns about a couple of things in it, but all in all a solid trailer.

Puffy Taco?

2006-10-30T15:08:00.000-08:00

So I was a bit bored, and hungery. I'll be trying to hit this place some time this week. Lets see if I can complete this mission to the Puffy Taco

15693 Leffingwell Rd
Whittier, CA 90604
(562) 947-2250