World Cup Report 5, Day 12

Argentina and the Netherlands are in half-time, currently all drawn at nil-nil. Once that game ends (it's sort of a mute point, both teams are advancing, it's just a matter of whose first in the group) one half of the round of 16 picture will be set. Germany vs. Sweden looks an enticing fixture, and whether it's the Argentines or the Dutch playing Portugal, that should prove a close match also.

Tomorrow, though, will be the true test for the US. Ghana has two of it's main scorers out, though the US will also be down two players. Then again, unless Italy can beat the Czech's (who will have Baros suiting up for the first time in the tournament) it doesn't matter what the US does.


In a bit of sad news, the cheese's hero, England Super Striker Michael Owen, went down with a ruptured ACL just 3 minutes into yesterdays match. He's, obviously, out of the tournament, and down for around 5 months. God speed, Owen. St. George's army will miss you!

It must be ordained by the football gods that the cheese witness the exploits of his Liverpool boys for England.

Since most of the games are broadcast during “office” hours, the cheese has only been able to watch bits and pieces of most matches when he is in the break room at his place of employment. And yet, he has still been able to watch, live as it happens, Steven Gerrard and Peter Crouch score their three goals. True, he wasn’t able to see Xabi Alonso’s goal in Spain’s first match, but the football gods aren’t perfect.

World Cup Report 4, Day 7

ENGLAND ADVANCES TO THE KNOCKOUT ROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to excellent late finishing by Liverpool superstars Peter Crouch and Steven Gerrard England ran off with 2-0 victory over the Soca Warriors (Trinidad & Tobago) to book their place in the next round of competition.

Sweden also went on to win, 1-0 over Paraguay, as Arsenal's own Freddie Llunberg found a late goal. Paraguay will be going home after match three, but the group is still open as a 3 goal margin of victory, and Sweden loss, in the last matches would see T&T make it out of the group phase.

All in all, England could have finished with 5 or 6 goals as they had the lion's share of shots/possesion. A few tense moments when T&T looked to breakthrough will give the Lions something to work on before the next round.

World Cup Report 3, Day 5

Well, between France and Brazil (in separate matches), two teams considered favorites (though less so in the case of Les Blues), a total of 1 goals was scored. Granted, neither team conceded a goal, but overall the two teams put in, essentially, lackluster performances. True, they were playing tough defensive teams (Switzerland and Croatia), but one goal! Come on! And Brazil was lucky to get a win. Croatia easily equaled the defending champs in all but the final scoreline.

In a way, it's kinda nice. As far as the cheese is concerned no REAL favorite has emerged. Germany put up four goals, but conceded two to a fairly subpar Costa Rica squad. France, Brazil and England have gotten results, but not looked intimidating. Sweden and the US have disappointed. Argentina, Italy and Mexico all looked strong, but overall the Czech's have looked most dominant. As far as this tournament goes, it looks pretty wide open at this point, and that's all a proper fan can really ask for.

An interruption in our normal World Cup coverage...

Both Brazil and France, the last two world cup winners, play their first matches today, so there'll be an update on that later on, but the cheese could not pass up an opportunity to comment on this.

The cheese supposes, as the birth of his first child nears, that every parent has a right to raise his/her child in any manner he/she sees fit. And IF you just happen to be a white supremacist, then probably you want your kids to be also. But this f*ed up mom goes one step further. Not only are her blue-eyed, blonde haired 13 year old twin girls already brain washed, their also a white power pop group! Seriously, you can't make this shit up!

The father was accused (during his divorce with the "whitey is great" mom) of drug use and violence, and the mom was awarded custody of the kids. Can you imagine being that judge? On one hand we have the nazi mom, or the abusive, drug using father...it really is the lesser of two evils. The cheese is guessing the judge probably flipped a coin to decide who got custody...at least, that's what the cheese would have done.

By the way, big props to Alan over at the PMJ Newswire for this.

World Cup Report 2, Day 4

Czech Republic 3 — USA 0

The cheese isn't going to say he is surprised. He has said more than once that the US squad has been given more credit than it deserved, but a 3-0 loss is pretty lopsided. The cheese wasn't holding out for a win, but a 1-1 tie wasn't out of the realm of possibility, that is until the game actually started. The Czech's were obviously superior in skill. The hallmark of the US march to the quarterfinals of the 02 cup was organization, but the US squad looked almost confused on the pitch today. Add to that the fact that the Czechs boast one of the strongest midfields in the tournament and the US had no hope.

Sadly, Italy has also gone on to beat Ghana. A tie, or Italian loss would probably have been preferential for the US in that match. Now it seems only a victory over both Ghana and the Italians will see the US through to the knockout stages.

World Cup Report 1, Day 2

After the first day's goal hemorrhage of eight in two games, day two saw a return to tight low scoring affairs as group B opened.

England - Paraguay

Everything looked good for Sven's Men as Beckham opened the scoring in the 4th minute on a free kick (it was technically ruled an own goal as the ball glanced off the Paraguayan captain's head before crossing the line, though it would have been a goal even if it hadn't), but that would be the total of goals come full time. In reality, it was a fairly tight affair, though neither team looked particularly comfortable. England did have a few decent opportunities, though Lampard seemed to be the only capable of seriously challenging the Paraguayan keeper. English super-striker Michael Owen, still recovering from an injury was replaced at 55 minutes, but did look more comfortable at times than in the pre-tournament warm ups. Overall, the England squad got the 3 points, but still have some work to do.

Sweden - Trinidad & Tobago

Before the opening of the tournament Ladbrokes had T&T at 2000-1 odds of winning the cup. T&T, in fact, is the smallest country to ever qualify for the finals. Sweden, meanwhile, was seen as 30-1 against winning it all. It is a testament, then, to how unpredictable the World Cup can be that T&T played Sweden to a nil-nil draw. More impressive, T&T went down to 10 men early in the second half after a second yellow card to Avery John. Big props to T&T keeper Shaka Hislop, a late addition to the starting squad, as he was unflappable during the 90 bombarding from the Swedes. This is a serious blow to the Swedes, considered by many to easily advance with England out of the group. Now, with T&T and Sweden even on points (and Paraguay only down 1 point, and 1 goal on differential), it's pretty much open on who may advance with England.

Today also opens up Group C, which should be tightly contested, with Argentina and Ivory Coast.

For all you in Sam's Army, Monday at noon we will see the US open up against the Czech Republic. The cheese is saying it now, the US will have a very difficult time making it to the knockout phase, but if they do it won't be a huge surprise.

Ten Reasons to Watch the World Cup, Part 3

4. Coaches
There are only two current coaches, Sven Goran Eriksson with England and Bruce Arena with the US, that were in control of their teams during the 2002 tournament. It's fun to see, just minutes after the group stage is over, how many coaches are fired or "voluntarily" quit do to underachieving expectations. If professional sport is a harsh mistress, then international football is Oprah on her period with a broken limb in the second week of her new diet.


3. US announcers.
In a way, the cheese feels sorry for the poor sods that get "chosen" to do play by play for the US World Cup audience. The cheese watches and reads about a lot of football, and even he has trouble with names from some of the smaller, more…um…less developed countries. He can't imagine what it must be like for "Billy Whiteboy," who's used to NFL player names, when he looks at a roster list from Croatia or Angola. But listening to them stumble over the player's monikers for 90 minutes = good entertainment.


2. The referees.
Allegations of match fixing are never that fun, but in the last year there has been substantiated cases of refs in Germany and Italy taking bribes to fix games. Add to that the overwhelming opinion of players, fans and coaches that the refereeing in 2002 was seriously sub par, and the refs at this year's world cup, then, will be under so much scrutiny that they're pretty much f*ed no matter what happens. If you love a little chaos in your sports, like the cheese, then this is the stuff of legend. Also remember that gambling is legal in nearly every part of Europe and Asia. You think the various mobs, cartels and gangs won't have an invested interest in this tournament? In a way, the World Cup represents something akin to Desperate Housewives, mixed with the Sopranos, set in a sporting atmosphere, that exists in the real world. There's nothing else like it.



1. It's not about who wins.
Well, OK, it is about who wins, eventually. But the list of possible winners is pretty short. After Brazil there are only four or five teams considered to be serious contenders, and a smattering of darkhorse teams. There is always the possibility that a Cinderella team can make a run; Greece was a 92-1 long shot before the start of the last Euro Cup, but eventually finished with the title. But with teams like Brazil, Argentina, England, the Czechs…well, it's even more unlikely in this tournament. The important thing to remember, though, is that the World Cup doesn't just include 32 teams that play for a month. This tournament has been played over the last four years, and included 190+ teams. Yes, only 32 qualified for the final, but every national team on the planet has taken part. And for most teams, just making it this far is a point of national pride. Citizens of Togo, Tunisia, Iran, and Trinidad & Tobago will simply be delighted to see their teams play alongside the world class players on other, more high profile teams. A surprise win will no doubt lead to days long celebrations in these countries. It's nice to see (from the vantage point of being in a country that only prizes victory, not effort or sportsmanship) people really excited about their teams, regardless of the specific outcomes, and that's something we could maybe use a little more of in this country.

The Time Draws Near

I also wanted to point you guys to Weird Al's webpage where he has a brand new song available for free download.

Pratchett is Number 2

Sorry to interrupt this football moment but I thought I would point out a great injustice that has recently happened. Book magazine has just published their list of the "Greatest Living British Authors" list. I am sorry to say that our beloved Terry Pratchett has come in second to JK Rowling. The list is based on an online poll on the magazine's webpage. I don't think popularity alone should be used as a measure of an author's greatness. I guess this will fire up Pratchett's disgust for Rowling some more. Here is the rest of the list in case you are interested:

1. JK Rowling
2. Terry Pratchett
3. Ian McEwan
4. Salman Rushdie
5. Kazuo Ishiguro
6. Philip Pullman
7. Harold Pinter
8. Nick Hornby
9. AS Byatt
10. Jonathan Coe and John Le Carre

Ten Reasons to Watch the World Cup, Part 2

7. It's actually on TV this time!
Unlike past years, when the only way you could watch the live matches was to follow a pirate map through downtown LA for three days before meeting up with a pimp who would then sell you a "magic" can of corn, which you would then have to exchange for a faux golden egg somewhere in the Mojave desert before being blindfolded, thrown in the back of a trunk, and driven to an undisclosed location where you could watch the last 20 minutes of the nil-nil first round yawner between Wales and Serbia-Montenegro, you can actually watch matches on normal television (Network and basic cable) as they happen.

6. There is the very real possibility of a riot, or many riots.
It's admitted, across the globe, that pound for pound the English hooligans are the worst, most violent of all hooligans. And England and Germany have a, well, not especially friendly history toward one another and emotions tend to run high when the two teams meet. Unfortunately, they were not drawn together in the group stage, but nevertheless, thousands upon thousands of English fans have swarmed the German countryside. The English immigration department did stop some 3,000 suspected hooligans from leaving the country, but come on, you know some of them got out. It's only a matter of time until enough alcohol has been consumed to turn even the most peaceful England fan into a Gerry hating lunatic! Also, German neo-Nazis like to fly swastikas during matches against "inferior" race teams. The German police have promised a crackdown on this type of thing, but again, you can't stop everyone. It's a pressure cooker of racial/historical/and alcohol fueled tension. The viewing audience can't lose!

5. Prostitutes!
Germany is one of a handful of European countries in which prostitution is legal. And with the influx of foreign tourists all ready to cheer their countries onto cup glory, Germany has also seen an influx of foreign prostitutes coming over to make some cash. Talk about globalization, it's free trade at its best!




And here's the answers to last post's quiz...

Akira Kaji            Japan
Cocu                  Netherlands
Dwight Yorke          Trinidad & Tobago
Eric Abidal           France
Ferydoon Zandi        Iran
Fred                  Brazil
Hipolito Mario        Angola
Inzaghi               Italy
Jared Borgetti        Mexico
Jermaine Jenas        England
Josip Skoko           Australia
Luis Boa Morte        Portugal
Messi                 Argentina
Oguchi Onyewu         USA
Robert Huth           Germany
Zlatan Ibrahimovic    Sweden

Ten reasons to watch the World Cup, Part 1

10. Staying up until the wee hours of the night to watch matches, and sleeping the following day at work.
Since this year's Cup is being played in Germany, the matches are mostly starting live at times between 1 AM and 6 AM. This makes for long nights, and even longer work days, but sleeping through the day can actually make it go by faster

9. Players have much better names than US sports.
In no other sport do are so many players known by a single name, the Brazil roster alone sports a handful, Cafu, Dida, Gilberto, Adriano, Ronaldo, Ronaldihno, and Kaka. Plus, it's fun to try and figure out where some players come from just by their names. In fact, here's a little quiz, match the player with his country…

Akira Kaji                Angola
Cocu                      Argentina
Dwight Yorke              Australia
Eric Abidal               Brazil
Ferydoon Zandi            England
Fred                      France
Hipolito Mario            Germany
Inzaghi                   Iran
Jared Borgetti            Italy
Jermaine Jenas            Japan
Josip Skoko               Mexico
Luis Boa Morte            Netherlands
Messi                     Portugal
Oguchi Onyewu             Sweden
Robert Huth               Trinidad & Tobago
Zlatan Ibrahimovic        USA

8. It's the largest, most watched sporting event in the world.
Americans can believe whatever they want about the Superbowl, but 1.1 BILLION households across the planet watched the 2002 World Cup Final. And that's not counting pubs, bars, restaurants, etc. where many more were, pushing the final total to and estimated 2 billion viewers. Get over your nationalistic pride and join in. Everybody's doin' it!

Can you smell it?

The odor of bratwurst, lager, cut grass, and millions of fanatics converging on Germany. Friday starts the 2006 World Cup, and the cheese will be updating this with Football themed posts for about the next month (with an occasional interruption from "real life"), so hold onto your hats loyal citizens of cheeselandia. Since our intrepid team didn't qualify for this years tournament (cause it's just the cheese and 10 cardboard cutouts of various star wars and comic book characters) the cheese is instructing all citizens to throw their support behind England.

What's that you say? We should be supporting the US. Well, first off, the US finds itself in the always sunny "group of death" with Italy, Ghana, and the Czech Republic. Advancing out of the group stage is not especially likely for Sam's Army. Plus, England fields former Liverpool wonderboy, and all around scoring wizard Michael Owen, not to mention current Liverpudlians wonder-captain Steven Gerrard, indomitable center-back Jaime Carragher, and freakishly tall super striker Peter Crouch. There are, of course, other teams fielding Reds (Spain, Holland, Germany, among others), but all citizens of cheeseland should be Liverpool fans by default.

In Honor of the Upcoming World Cup

The cheese will be posting a number of football related items. Also, the cable gets installed tomorrow at casa de cheese, so anyone who wants to watch any or all the games from Germany are welcome to come by...





It's Called Football Because You Kick a Ball With Your Foot

Why don't Americans like football, or as we stupidly call it here, soccer? There are three reasons for this, I believe, that are inherent to those of us born in the United States.

1. We like to watch people hurting each other, or getting hurt.
As an example, let's look at the two most popular sports in the US, American Football, or as the cheese likes to call it Tackleball, and Nascar. There is, on a second by second basis, more chance of seeing injury in a Tackleball game than nearly any other sport. Surely, critics can point to Hockey as being equally violent, and while checking is an important part of the game, it is not REQUIRED, as a tackle is, in every play. Also, Hockey has made numerous rules revisions over the last 15 or so years curbing how violent one can get on the ice, most recently in how defenders can challenge forwards when on fast breaks. But let's get back to the Tackleball. It is a sport designed, essentially, around causing injury. Certainly, there is a lot of "teamwork" and skill involved, but ask yourself this; if the NFL went from tackling to "flag football" next year would anyone watch? Probably not. Also, the name is misleading. For a sport calling itself "football" there is a serious lack of foot to ball action, unlike in proper football, where the players must kick the ball with their feet. Now we will turn to the second most popular sport in the land, Nascar. Not exactly the most thrilling of motor sports, since the races consist of 500 or so miles of left hand turns, but they often give the spectator the chance to see dozens of cars (driving at ridiculous speeds) suddenly entangle themselves in crashes of near epic proportions. Let's take nothing away from the drivers, because there is a whole lot of skill involved, but the cheese believes that, deep down, every Nascar fan will admit that part of the fascination is in waiting for the next inevitable crash. Proper football isn't ballet dancing (and broken ankles/feet/legs certainly abound) but it isn't inherently about hurting people, or watching people get hurt. It's called, in most of the world, the "beautiful game" because there is a grace and flow (even when the Germans play) present in the game that often alludes our simple, red-neck, Budweiser addled minds.


2. We like to prematurely ejaculate.
With the exception of baseball, which was invented in the mid 1800's, most American sports emphasize scoring points, lots of points, early, often, and in a thoroughly masculine way. Most tackleball games seem to end in at least one team amassing 20-40 points. Yes, touchdowns are worth 6 points, so this amounts to 3-7 TD's (or twice as many field goals). 3-7 isn't really "a lot" but it sounds more impressive to say 40 than it does to say 6. Not coincidently, a lot of hockey games end with 3-7 goals scored by either team. Hockey doesn't go in for this "one score equals 6 points" but, then again, it is mostly played by Canadians, who are by nature less ostentatious than Americans. Then we come to the sport with the largest scoring potential, basketball. In last night's Western Conference game 5 both teams scored over 100 points, and Dirk Nowitzki scored 50. Even in baseball, traditionally considered "boring" by other sport fanatics, the last 20 years has seen an explosion of offensive production. Yes, this came with the introduction of steroids, but even this year, under a fairly tough testing program, Albert Pujols is on pace to hit 78 home runs and 203! RBI's, which would both be new single season totals. Everywhere you turn in American sports one sees that scoring is all important. But what about proper football? Well, it's a cliché that some of the greatest games ever played ended in a 0-0 draw. The cheese has witnessed the odd game, here or there, where a team scores 5, 6, or 7 goals, but it's rare…really rare. Much more likely is a game ending 1-0, or 2-1, or god forbid 1-1 (that's another thing Americans can't seem to stand, ties). But in proper football the scoreline is not the most important thing, necessarily, at least not from the fan's perspective. Here, all we care about is the final score, who won, who lost. And certainly, football fans are passionate (even crazily fanatical) about their teams' winning and losing. But even the most diehard football fan will admit to the quality of a game, that is the enjoyment inherent in how the game is played, while watching his team lose. And in this way, scoring a goal becomes so important. Since the 94 World Cup (when the US hosted for the first time and was introduced to Jorge Cantor's famous GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL!) Americans have poked fun at the way players/fans/announcers all celebrate a goal in the football world. But in that world, scoring a goal is so special that nothing else would adequately display the emotion involved. American's are a gluttonous lot, and we routinely over-feast on the scorelines of our favorite sports.

3. We can't stand to like stuff that people in other countries like.
American's just can't bring themselves to admit that other people can come up with something good. Even when we do take to something from another country, we have to change the name to make it more US friendly; case it point, American Idol was first a show in England known as Pop Idol. American's invented tackleball, baseball, and basketball. The English invented proper football. There's in way in hell we will ever accept it as a sport equal to those we invented.

GREATEST FUSION IDEA

I saw this at the grocery store the other day and the concept intrigued me. It's like 2 of my favorite things got together and had a child. At this point you may be wondering when exactly I'll be getting to the point of all this. Well here it is: Ben & Jerry's black and tan ice cream!!!! It sounds kinda wierd but let me tell you it is fan-f'ing-tastic. The only question I have is what the "stout" ice cream is. I highly recommend going out and getting some. In fact, I may stop on my way home and get another pint for the weekend. I also recommned the "vermonty python" with the chocolate cows in it.

One good thing...

about the new job. The cheese can sit in the shade, next to a crapy water fountain, in the office complex adjacent to his, and get free internet thanks to someone/thing known as MI.

But don't you have internet access at work?

Well, yes...but they don't want the cheese using it, even though he's had all of THREE FUCKING ADS to proof since 8:30 this morning...total time taken to proof said ads--15 minutes!

The cheese never rightly understood how people could walk into an office and randomly pick off co-workers with automatic weapons...until now.

Longest day of my life!

Even when there is work to do, it's a serious effort to keep the bile from filling the cheese's mouth…but when it's slow, like today, the cheese is forced to pass the time by imagining various ways he might end his life with everyday office equipment; paperclips, staples, tacks, file folders, fax machines, etc. The mp3 versions of the Wheel of Time series that the cheese burned onto DVD's has gone a good way to alleviating the sucking gloom, but it's a bit like sticking your finger in the hole in a dam…it can only work for so long.

On a brighter note, the cheese and momma cheese start "Prepared Childbirth" classes tonight, which, is apparently code for Lamaze.

Another member...

And more big ups, this time out to the cheese's homie in the 415 fightingcooter8...only took him two damn months to accept that invitation!

And the cheese would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone out there in cheeseland that anyone can post. To take a line from our favorite online comic, let's "take this to the limit!"

As a side note, we, the citizens of cheeselandia, need a slogan. You know, like Semper Fi, or Not In The Face...but better.

Let's get some serious community action up in this biatch!

Props

Big ups to Duke Jezmon for the ol' jumpy-jump, the ol' drivey drive, the ol' ramalamadingdang…




Did you know Irvine has ASTROTURF instead of grass in its lane dividers…the cheese isn't exactly sure how this makes the city any more fascist, but it certainly feels like it does…

Various Musings from Work

The cheese is convinced that a blind, functionally retarded, one-handed chimp could do his new job. He's never felt that he's been too intelligent for a job before (well, OK, he has felt that at the bookmines, but that's a given if you have any brain function), but he certainly feels that way now.

London Bridge FC, the club created by the cheese (and managed by Jimmy Cheese) for Fifa Manager 06 currently sits in 2nd place (just one point out of first) in the Regional Premiere Division; just six levels below England's top flight. In their first season the Runner's walked away with the Regional Division Two title with more than 20 points up on second place Euston City.

Another semester down, another A and A-. Damn 3.85 GPA is like an albatross around the cheese's neck.

WTF Lost?! Why ya bitch btich slap Locke, Eko, and Desmond like that? If those three ain't back next season the cheese won't be able to bring himself to watch'although that four toed statue piece, a la Lord of the Rings, was pretty damn interesting. There is one thing everyone can agree on, though, don't F with the electromagnetism'then again, will Rose's cancer return now that "The Swan" is no more?

How much loyalty do YOU have to your employer?

Under the guise of "taking the wife to the doctor" the cheese is leaving his new job early today to go off on another job interview.

Is this wrong?

In his defense, the cheese had applied for this new job some 2 1/2 months ago, was not called until last week (two days after starting current employment), and it pays more.

Plus, it's at a college, where the cheese hopes to one day end up "molding" impressionable minds (read: secretly feeding students subliminal messages in order to indoctrinate them into The Cheese's Army of Swiss Super Soldiers, whose main goal will be to pull down the current publishing industry and instill the cheese as its rightful head).

So you see, it's all part of the master plan...plus California is an at will employment state, thusly the cheese feels no loyalty whatsoever to current miscellaneous employer #2.

Where has the cheese gone?

Do not fear loyal citizens of Cheeslandia! Your benevolent overlord has not abandoned you. The past fortnight has found the cheese slaving away in the research paper/finals mines in the fabled land of Graduate Studies on the shores of the Overworked Ocean. But the cheese has come out better than ever! Well, the cheese came out, anyway.

As further proof that the cheese is possibly lacking in mental faculties, he agreed to start his new job ON THE SAME WEEK AS FINALS!!!!!! And did he stop there, oh no, because he is still toiling away (in the dark of night, and sun of Saturdays) at the bookmine. The cheese loves it when his work day starts at 8:30 AM and ends at 11 PM. AWESOME!

And it keeps getting better....cause the cheese and momma cheese get to move over Memorial Day weekend, as the school is only allowing us 48 hours to relocate all the shiznit in the hizouse!

Damn, yo, life is best...

Things the cheese loves.

1. Doing homework on a Friday Night
2. Working on Saturdays
3. Working 2 jobs for the awesome 60 hour work week.
4. Reading 15 Elizabethan/Jacobean plays in one semester.
5. The stupid AMC at the Block only having one print of GOAL!
6. Having to simultaneously listen to conversations about the Da Vinci Code/the Pope/christianity, and the goings on at the local high school while trying to write a research paper on literary bad ass and all around genius John Fowles--BOW DOWN IN REVERENCE HEATHENS!!!!!!!!
7. Not being able to play Fifa Manager in windowed mode because it has 3D rendered models...then again, those models are far superior to the DOTS of Football Manager so maybe this is a wash

Cosmology Theory Part II: or Do you need more proof?

Then take a look at this! A book by a person who, simultaneously, represents both the lower-class idiotic redneck *ahem* "majority" and the affluent bourgeoisie golfer elite. Talk about irony overload!

If irony were explosive, like say dynamite, than every copy of this book could level an entire city block.

A question from Baron Tengu

Please pardon the interruption from your regularly scheduled rants from The Cheese. But I have an urgent question for our overseer. If you get quickly upset by seeing former professors in baseball caps and jeans, how would you react to seeing a former professor in maternity clothes?

An open letter to Mac:

Dear Mac,

Kindly suck my ass! Having to sit through one of your "hip" new ads tonight while watching Alias, the cheese nearly threw up in his mouth. The cheese is willing to admit that for some people, (people who have no desire whatsoever to actually LEARN something, people who just want bright colors and easily clickable icons) a Mac may be a pretty good buy. But until every decent computer game produced can be played on a Mac, or until you can buy 3rd party hardware and manually upgrade a Mac system, don't you fucking dare insinuate that a Mac has more "options" than a PC. Yes, PC's have their faults, but there is no hardware monopoly in the PC world. In fact, for the truly discerning PC user there are alternatives to Windows based software environments too.

Yours,
the cheese

Cosmology Theory

Forget the GUT, the real force underlying everything in the universe is...IRONY...damn straight, homes! Don't believe the cheese? Well, that's some attitude mister! Look, you can see it all around you. Take, for example, a perfectly random experience like this one...

Friday, while mindlessly opening boxes of books from good ol' 703 (that's warehouse 703 bitches!) lying in the same box, literally on top of each other, were this, and this. And you say to yourself, but cheese, that proves nothing. And the cheese says, it's not what they are, perse, it's what they represent. A concerted effort, on the part of countless people, to refute "facts" presented in a hack mystery novel. Last time the cheese checked, at no time had Dan Brown, Doubleday, or anyone even remotely related to this book (up to and including Dan Brown's illegal gardner) had ever claimed any of it was "real" or based on "facts."

So why all the uproar? Where were all the books refuting the claim in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy that the earth had been destroyed? It's easily as stupid an assumption as thinking that people reading The Da Vinci Code would automatically believe Jesus fathered some children with Mary Magdalene.

The point here, though, is that all Dan Brown wanted was to write a good novel and that it might become a bestseller. Well, opinions may be mixed on the former (but, he really isn't THAT good a writer), but he certainly succeeded on the later. And that success was in no small part thanks to shit like this!

Friends With Money

Is a movie that the cheese, and momma cheese had the dire misfortune to see on Friday night. Written and directed by the same women who brought us the thoroughly crappy Lovely and Amazing, Friends With Money represents, to the cheese, 19 dollars he will never see again. In the first 30 seconds, in fact, it was obvious this was going to be a poor experience. Are we really expected, as an audience, to suspend our disbelief enough to believe that Jennifer Aniston works as a maid? Seriously, a maid!? And here's a thought, Ms. Holofcener, if you're going to cast Ms. Aniston, don't write her character exactly like one she played in a movie four years ago! And you know what else? Jennifer Aniston is not, the cheese repeats, NOT, a good actress. The cheese was a big fan of Friends, but every time he sees the ex-Mrs. Pitt in something, the more he's convinced that she got by for 10 seasons on the talent of the rest of the cast. The one bright spot was Francis Mcdormand and her metro/nearly gay English husband. But even that wasn't enough to salvage this floating shit pile.

The cheese and momma cheese had nearly chosen to see The Sentinel, cause you can hardly go wrong with BOTH Keifer Sutherland and Michael Douglas, but the thought of Eva Longoria traipsing her rotten crotch across the screen for 90 minutes nearly sent the cheese into convulsions just thinking about it.

Here's a tip Hollywood, just because some attractive "actress" is in a hit TV show does not mean that she should be in movies. Let us remember that for every George Clooney, there are 100 David Carusos.

Excuse me sir, can you spare a cup of Middle Class?

Saturday, sparked on by a desire to buy clothes for the Princess, the cheese and momma cheese headed over to the Robinsons-May at the Brea Mall. In case you hadn't heard, Federated, who owns Macy, Robinons-May, etc. has decided to close a number of various stores throughout the country. This means that, right now, at the Brea store everything is discounted.

Not surprisingly, the store was packed with glinty-eyed shoppers looking to find a deal, and sullen faced employees no doubt counting the days to their final pay checks. The cheese likes a bargain as much as the next guy, but both he and momma cheese were overwhelmed by the feeling of depression and sadness overwhelming the place.

It struck the cheese, too, how retail companies over the last several years are attempting to reposition themselves. On the one had, you Wal-mart and Target. Basically, places that drive business on the idea of "low price points" and, not coincidently, paying low wages and generally treating employees like disposable toilet paper. Then, you have on the opposite end of the spectrum the "high-priced" brand stores; Bloomingdales, Nieman Marcus, etc. These places attract, by the very products they sell, only "upper class" (by definition of income) clientele.

For many years, though, there seem to exist a number of retailers who existed solidly in the middle range of this spectrum; Mervyns, Macy's, Robinsons-May, Montgomary Ward, Nordstrom. Certainly, there was a variety of price points/products within the "middle" stores, but essentially they catered to the middle class.

It seems over the last decade, though, that these middle stores are slowly going the way of the buffalo. Montgomary Ward no longer exists. Robinsons-May is being phased out. Sears has been bought by K-Mart (and Mervyns is likewise owned by Target). And others seem to be migrating to the opposite ends of the spectrum. Nordstrom, and Macy's, for instance are both going through brand identification/product shifts so that they are more in competition with Bloomingdales, which will necessarily alienate their lower-middle class customers.

But the cheese sees this as more indicative of a culture shift in the American population, than strictly in the realm of department stores. The cheese, for instance, lives in Orange County CA. Now, this isn't exactly a great place to use as a litmus test for the nation, but there are, nevertheless, disturbing trends that take place here. It is now, and has always been, a roughly middle to upper-middle class county. Yes, there are lower to lower-middle class portions, but that's the case everywhere. But over the last few years it seems that people are no longer happy with the middle, or even, upper-middle class designation. This seems particularly the case with younger (the cheese is talking even as young as 13 or so) citizens in the OC. Just walk through any mall on a weekend and you're bound to see countless teenage girls carrying 300 dollar handbags, wearing Dolce and Gabana sunglasses, and carrying around chihuahua's just like Paris Hilton.

Middle class, like lower class (or even liberal), has somehow become a stigmatizing label. It seems that everybody wants to be Carrie Bradshaw, but no one wants to be the Brady Brunch(the cheese is talking socio-economically here people). Maybe it's worse here, where there seems to be more H3 Hummers per capita than literate 16 year olds, but the cheese has a stinking suspicion that it's a trend throughout the country.

The sad fact is, this *ahem* democracy was built on the blue collar (both conservative and liberal) backs of the working middle class; with some white collar thrown in for flair! We can't all be rich, and honestly, why would we all want to be? But as the middle class slowly withers and dies (just like the moderates, everything in the middle must go!) you can bet your 300 dollar Ipod that the country will wither and die too. The cheese is hoping that when this experiment we like to call the USA is finally over and done with we'll go back to the days of the Roman empire. You really knew where you stood with those guys.

And momma cheese wonders why the cheese wants to become a British citizen.

And there is precedence for it. Seriously, just look at T.S. Eliot. And, England happens to be home of the 2nd greatest sports franchise in world history (the first, of course, being located in a little place the cheese likes to call Chavez Ravine).

More importantly, though, the English aren't saddled to some document written 200+ years ago, whose core tenants are being slowly widdled away by politicians claiming to want to protect said document.

And sure, the cheese ain't a right leaning guy, but's his opinion of the "big" party on the left is little better.

Plus, in England, they deep fry (OK, that place is in NY, but the guy IS English, plus, the cheese has yet to see a decent cone of fries stateside) just about anything!

What is the most interesting topic in the news?

The cheese was listening to misc. morning radio show #1 this morning as they were talking about the new *ahem* child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. This inevitably led to a discussion of the paparazzi/lack of privacy for celebrities. Now, obviously, the cheese don’t have photographers hanging out in his trash to get a blurry photo of Her Majesty once she comes along, so maybe he can’t speak on this topic with much credibility. But there is one thing he knows…the law of supply and demand is alive and well.

Now, the cheese isn’t talking about a, hey I’m naked and could use some clothes/homeslice’ll pay for those clothes type of supply and demand. This isn’t the purely commodified ideal that we in the west like to call ‘capitalism.’ Well, it is sorta, but in a much more subtle and ethereal way.

Let’s start with the supply part. The celebrities have something that they feel people should pay for, whether it be a movie, TV show, album, DVD, exercise tape, personalized sock line, or hi-priced colonic. The celebrities are dependant, like all merchants, on the people (the mass, ugly ocean of American culture) actually forking over the cash for that colonic with Jennifer Aniston’s face and seal of approval on it (as a side note, here’s the cheese’s favorite piece of Jennifer Aniston info). But, there’s a lot more going into the production of that straight to video DVD or personalized sock line than just the stars themselves. There’s directors, producers, crew, catering, assistants, darners, and quality control people. It’s a whole damn universe unto itself!

As a completely unrelated aside, the cheese is writing this while watching a film in class, and Candace Bergin was pretty damn hot when she was young.

Anyway, just like the stars themselves, these hardworkin’ SOB’s want to get paid too. They ain’t getting seven and eight figure checks, but they need to buy their cereal, yo. So, all these people, all this effort goes into making a DVD. And, there won’t be any MORE DVD’s unless some of those in the “unwashed masses” go out and by this one.

Now we’re getting into the demand side of things. See, there’s a whole lot of supply, but maybe not so much demand. Well, how in the hell do you get someone to buy a home enema of questionable quality that nobody wants? Stick Tom Cruise’s stupid smiling face on the cover (and, you know, you could simply substitute the enema with any shit Tom Cruise movie you want). Now here’s where it starts to get ‘crazy’ (though not “gay man jumping on a couch professing love for some woman that he ‘interviewed’ to be his girlfriend” crazy). See, no one really cares about Tom Cruise. Not really. But people do care about TOM CRUISE, the idea of the motherfucker. You know, the idea that this guy, because of talent, hard work, or whatever, gets to live a life that the rest of us in the ugly ocean can only dream about. We want to be him, or live vicariously through him. And how do we get to live vicariously through his dumb ass, through shit like this.

And that’s where the demand (and money for the entire entertainment apparatus) is generated folks.

Say what you will; celebrities have no privacy, paparazzi have no morals, blah, blah, blah. But if the paparazzi completely went away tomorrow, then a whole lot less people would see That Movie with Jennifer Aniston/Clive Owen Part II (and not that many people saw the first one). The paparazzi do more to create demand for what the celebrities supply than anything else. And yeah, their methods may not be the most admirable. The cheese would probably get right annoyed if homeboys with cameras were always frontin’ up in his grill. But, then again, to garner that much attention the cheese’s bank account would be much fatter than it is now. Money might not buy you love, but the cheese is willing to bet it helps you rent happiness and tranquility.

The fact of the matter is, everyone has problems. For some, it’s finding good childcare or paying the credit card bills, for others it’s what to wear to the premiere or trying not to get photographed while buying lettuce at Albertson’s. And that, to the cheese, is what’s most annoying about celebrities whining about the paparazzi. You knew the rewards and difficulties when you got into the gig, and now that you’ve made it you want to change the rules because NOW you think it’s unfair. Well, guess what ass, life’s unfair to everyone. But most of us don’t have millions of dollars, villas on lakes in Italy, or a line of ass deodorants bearing our names and likenesses.

P.S. In the interest of full disclosure, the cheese thought he should mention that, though this post is going up today, Thursday, it was actually written last night.

A few things to remember

1. If you're mildly annoying, young (anybody under the age of 25), and think you might "know" a lot about the world, please don't engage the cheese in conversation. It doesn't matter if we happen to be in the same class, have the same employer, or are stuck in the same line at the grocery store. The cheese does not want to hear your opinions on the news, your favorite authors, or anything even remotely related to astrology.

2. If you want to get some obscure tarot book that was published 20 motherfuckin' years ago, don't walk into a small, mall attached chain bookstore and expect it to be hanging out on the shelf. And if you "need it today" then get in your time machine and go back four weeks and order it off Amazon, you morone! Oh...what's that...you don't have a time machine. Well, then maybe you can channel some spirits to help you materialize one up from another plane of existence.

Do you know what the best thing about grad. school?

Free access to online scholarly journal archives. Seriously, do you know how expensive it would be to access this stuff if the cheese weren't a student...well, do you? The answer is expensive. And since the cheese has problems finding money to buy lunch, he certainly wouldn't be able to browse the MLA Bibliography. Then again, if he weren't in graduate school he wouldn't need to access this crap...

You know what's disconcerting?

Seeing old professors, whom you remember having always worn a tie and dress slacks, in jean shorts and a baseball hat. The cheese supposes that people have the right to go about their daily lives and what not. But they shouldn't do it around him. He has very fixed images of people in his mind and has trouble processing any information that might run counter to said images. Also, he has a serious problem with adapting to new relationship roles....isn't that right DR. THOMSEN.

Life will never be the same

While the cheese has so far been able to resist the lure of the MMORPG that may not be the case forever...

Of course, with her majesty on the way, who can say how much time the cheese will have for such endeavors.

An opinion from the left

Historically this form has not been a place for the cheese to air opinions/thoughts about political issues. But after this, this, and especially this
the cheese felt that something had to be said.

Now whoever you are, if your in the cheese' age bracket (mid to late 20's) or older you probably have a very strong opinion on our former president Clinton. And while the cheese isn't going to write a long treatise about the man or his presidency, he simply wants to make some comments.

Clinton, you may remember, was impeached for getting a bj in the oval office and lying about it.

Politicians are, as a species, inherently dishonest. It's part and parcel of the job/calling. But there necessarily exists a difference of degrees. And while one can make the argument that immorality is immorality, the cheese finds it hard to believe that one president can be impeached for what was essentially an affair in his private life (and didn't much concern anyone other than himself, his mistress, and his wife), and another president can illegally wire tap AMERICAN citizens and then have the arrogance to be SHOCKED that some people might be upset about it.

And, sure it's a post-9/11 world. The cheese understands this. But, if the way in which we combat our enemies undermines the values we've held dear for 200+ years, then we aren't actually winning any war.

Lastly, the cheese would simply like to make a comparison. Germany, during the 1930's was a country in turmoil, and many Germans were looking for something to "rescue" them from the state their country was in. Hitler, in a brilliantly political fashion, filled this void, and by so doing swayed many intelligent and otherwise right thinking individuals into following his doctrine and policies.

Fear (of Jews, Communists, Terrorists, or whatever) is the fascist's strongest and most subtle weapon. While the cheese is not calling Bush the next Hitler, certain parallels are nevertheless hard to ignore. The cheese continues to hold out that the American voting population will wake itself from this self-imposed stupor of the last few years. Indeed, Bush's continually flagging poll numbers seem to point to the fact that this might already be happening.

And as a parting thought the cheese would just like to say, thank god for the 22nd Amendment.

A New Day has Dawned in Cheeselandia!

Greetings faithful followers!

You'll notice that the population here in the land of the cheese is slowly growing. It has come to the cheese's attention that our numbers have become stagnant, and this is not good. For the greater glory of our beautiful domain it has been decided, then, to increase our number tenfold (or some amount that is more than the old amount).

First among the new initiates are ryan-kilroy and momma_cheese, but soon many will come! And therefore, as loyal citizens, you too must go out and spread the gospel of the cheese. Men, women, children, dogs, all are a blessing unto the cheese (except for scientologists, they're just fuckin' CRAZY!). For whosoever is touched by the cheese, surely that man is blessed!

Another damn sad attempt at regularity

Two days=two posts!? Surely the seas are running red with blood...or some other harbinger of the apocalypse.

Anyway, the cheese is back with a vengeance! Well, really he was simply motivated to do some shiznit up on the blizog thanks to spending half his work day reading the ol' Penny Arcade in book form. Damn! If only the cheese had half their talent and/or follow through he might have a reasonably successful online comic staring his own alter ego...or he might have a finished novel...or at the very least some finished homework.

Of course, it's hard to get shit done when all you want to do is sleep, or play Football Manager. Especially when reality involves stories about blind disabled father in-laws taking midnight strolls on the freeway....seriously, you can't make shit like this up!

But the cheese digresses (is that even a word?). At least baseball starts for real on Monday, cause the Dodgers can't possibly be as bad as they were last year, right?...right?!...OH GOD, they're gonna be even worse this year!!!!

Bow down in AWE heathens!

ALL HAIL PRINCESS ISABELLA KATHLEEN



Defender of the Realm
Bringer of Joy
High Seat of House Munster
First of the Cheese
Blessed of the Light
May she reign for 1000 Years

X-men 3: The Last Stand

As many of you have seen or not seen, the trailer for the latest installment of the X-men movie series was recently released to the basement dwelling net community. Previous to the actual release of any footage, the basement dwellers have been in fervor about quality of direction, make-up and costuming. So I would like to know what the loyal citizens of the land of cheese think about this trailer.

Oscars: some afterthoughts

With last night's handing out of the 78th annual Oscars the awards season has now come and gone. The cheese would like to personally commend the Acadamy one of the better years in recent memory. With that in mind here are the cheese's thoughts on the night...

-The biggest surprise was the lack of no favorite. In all six major categories not a single movie won more than one award (though Brokeback Mountain and Crash both won in Adapted and Original Screenplay respectively). Especially nice was the fact that the Director and Picture awards were split, something that doesn't often happen. The Acadamy, with no huge box office picture in the mix this year, actually voted for performances rather than revenue, making for some very deserving winners.

-John Stewart, while not loved by critics, was his dry calm self, and seemed to bring a little reality into the evening, which was a nice change of pace.

-You can say whatever you want, but after a Blame Canada nomination, and 8 Mile win, the 36 Mafia winning best song was not a big surprise. Plus, Dolly Parton, come on!

-Stephan Colbert should do voice over work for every ad every made, period!

-Watching Tom Hanks getting darted in the neck and then hit over the head with a violin...priceless.

-Why do period pieces always win Costume and Cinematography? OK, the cheese didn't see Memories of a Geisha, but there is no way a bunch of Kimonos and Tuxedos are better than Tim Burton's latex leaden world of Willy Wonka. And it is nigh impossible the cinematgraphy was better than both Brokeback Mountain and Good Night and Good Luck.

-George Clooney, while not winning the Director race, has firmly followed in the footsteps of Eastwood, Redford, and Gibson as the newest actor turned great director. He'll win that statue eventually.

-Nick Park, 5 lifetime nominations, 4 wins. Who knew plasticene characters could be so accomplished?

-And finally, let's all start a petition to have Joan Rivers executed by the state. Last night on the red carpet she mistook Lee Majors (the 5 million dollar man) for Larry McMurtry (co-screenwriter of Brokeback Mountain)...need I say more?

A short, two act play

Act I, Scene I

At a small, religiously affiliated liberal arts college campus

Undergraduate Cheese: (Looking at sign posted on door) No class today, sweet! The cheese can waste even more of his time playing video games and/or sleeping.


Act II, Scene I

At a small, non-religiously affiliated liberal arts college campus

Graduate Cheese: (Looking at sign posted on door) No class today, damnit! That f*&!ing professor better have freakin' polio! The cheese is paying good money for his ass to be here!

finis

An Open Letter to Oprah Winfrey or The Autobiography of the Cheese: My Life as a Solid Piece of Enzyme Riddled Bovine Lactation - Part 1

Dear Oprah,

Kindly take your head and remove it from your anus.

The cheese had been inclined to let well enough alone, but after reading more about the recent James Frey ruckus in Entertainment Weekly today (from both highly annoying Ken Tucker, and mildly respectable Stephen King), the cheese had to add his two cents to the growing debate.

To begin with, when did memoir writing become an exercise in historical documentation? Last time the cheese checked (which was today at the bookstore he WORKS in), memoirs almost always contain fictionalized pieces to enhance the narrative. Maybe you, Oprah, haven't heard this word, narrative, before. It's what we in the biz call "the story." Here's another question, has anyone ever seen a film that was "based on a true story" and assumed everything in the film is an accurate portrayal of the events as they happened in real life? Answer, never; because people expect changes. Why is it that books are held to a different standard than movies?

In the interest of full disclosure the cheese admits that 1. he has only read bits of the book while at work and 2. only saw the "soundbites" edition of Oprah's colon cleansing of Frey on national TV.

Now, while it certainly isn't great that the guy didn't say "hey, some of this is made up" at first (as a sidenote, while Million Little Pieces resides in the "Recovery" section of the cheese' store, Frey's second book has, and will always sit in the "Fiction" section, so its likely someone somewhere, besides Frey, knew the truth from the get go), it really shouldn't surprise anyone.

And by the way, Harpo, just how much money did you make off Frey's title during its run on your book club? Will you be reimbursing the publishing company or any of your loyal drone...er...viewers who purchased the book? Interesting, also, that the club's follow up to Frey was thoroughly unimpeachable Elie Weisel's Night.

The cheese has often stated his hate of Oprah (because anyone who names a magazine after herself, and then puts her own damn picture on the cover of every issue should be hated). So maybe some of this just comes from the "holier than though" shit she pulled on Frey. And in the light of massive lying and corruption from both political parties over the last few years, it's particularly bile inducing to see someone like Frey assf****d because he embellished a story to sell some books. But, I guess the moral is, don't fizuck with Oprah. She don't mind if she's a hypocrite cause she's got enough money to always look like the good guy!

The cheese is back, whoopee

Hey, The Cheese, where have you been?

I've been sick you little snot nosed brats, get off my back!

Anyway, apparently life continues on, even without any consideration for the plight of mr. and mrs. cheese. Well, if that's the case then the cheese says, SUCK IT LIFE!

Biggest news on the cheese front...school starts back up again on Monday. 9 units this time around (which is full time for the ol' graduate student for those of you keeping score at home), and probably near full time at work until the cheese can find something with better hours/better pay/better period.

The chronicles continue on and the light is definitely visible at the end of the tunnel. With Blaylock dropping 503 this semester the cheese now has until the fall to finish this biatch up before the next one begins, but the ideas have already begun to percolate....

Mrs. cheese is slowly and steadily gaining weight, and you know what, isn't that what pregnant girls are supposed to do? Well then maybe someone can explain that to mrs. cheese cause she don't want to hear from her husband.

Just finished rereading V for Vendetta, and they better not screw that thing up...but judging by League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, the cheese does not have high hopes.

Well, that's it for now kids. Remember to eat your cheese!

Wasted Day

Today, the cheese decided to forgo the usual Monday ritual of toiling at the bookmines in favor of staying in bed since he has come down with a severe head cold, and his sinuses feel as if they are being squeezed in a vice. Good times.

Where to begin...

Since most of you who read this, or more likely all of you, are all apprised on the situations currently affecting my life, I'm not going to repeat them here for reasons you can probably assume. But since we are only two weeks into the new year, I thought I might do something a little different up on the blog. On the one hand, I'm not entirely comfortable with trying to post some witty banter, and also I don't have much to be witty about. 2005 should have been one of the best years of my life. I started grad school, got married, and found out my wife was pregnant with my first child. But a different terrible event over shadowed every good one, and so I'm at a loss as to what to take from this last year. Really, it comes down to hoping that 2006 will be better, but the prospects, only 12 days in, are grim.

End of the semester...oh, and I guess Christmas is coming, or something

Let it never be said that procrastination is not a friend to the cheese. Even though he waited until the last possible minute to start, he still managed to finish both his papers on time. Yes, ol' "Eliot’s Journey from The Waste Land to Little Gidding" coming in at 15 pages, and "Dickinson and Plath: Approaches to a Writing Life" with a robust 17 and 1/2 pages were 90% completed in the five days prior to their respective due dates. The cheese is eagerly awaiting his forthcoming C-'s with great anticipation. On the up side, no class until January 31, on the down, now the cheese is forced to finish the Chronicles before January 31. Can he do it? Probably not...

And while the cheese probably won't be able to participate in this weekends bloodbath, he may be able to at some point in the near future.

As a parting gift to all citizens out there in cheese land exhibit A for the case against Bill O'Reilly, assbag.

Suck it ManU

Far be from the cheese to normally revel in the pain of others BUT.....this is just too good to let pass without comment!

Little sporting news

Well, the Dodgers finally, after parting ways with Jim Tracy and sacking ol' Paul Depodesta, named a new manager today...the thoroughly uninspiring Grady Little. This coming just days after the unexpected, yet oddly satisfying, pick up of SS Rafael Furcal. The outlook for the boys in blue next year still lingers around the bleak to shitstorm range, but at least Coletti seems to know what he wants. It's just a shame they couldn't get Brian Giles.

In football news, Liverpool played a rather exciting 0-0 draw at Stamford Bridge today, meaning the Reds secured top position in Group G, and will be one of 8 seeded teams in the draw for the round of sixteen in the Champion's League. It's still a bit premature, but with 9 successive unbeaten games, and all those without allowing a single goal, Rafa's lads are looking well poised to repeat as champions of Europe.

Damn you Suavo!!!

This coulda been US!!!!!!!!

Reason 227...

why the cheese will never move back to Corona.

No cheese love

What's up out there in cheeseland? Does no one care about the cheese' latest misdeeds? What must the cheese do to win back the love of his followers?

Got my Sunday plans...

Anybody else up for it....

Update

Saturday: the cheese and mrs. cheese drive out to Corona (1 1/2 hours thanks to traffic) to see mrs. cheese friend's newborn child. Friend, of course, is not home, and so drive done in vain. The cheeses go to movies instead and see Shopgirl.

Sunday: 8 AM football game for the cheese sees his team of mismatched Indians/Pakistanis (not sure which) and Vietnamese mobsters lose by a whopping 9-0. Cheese twists knee during pointless 90 minutes. The cheese, with wife in tow, then heads up to the bay area for three days.

Monday: time spent in City = 12 hours. Number of eateries visited = 3.

Tuesday: Umotherfuckin'2 BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday: drive home bearable thanks to audio book version of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Jim Dale rocks out with his cock out)

Thursday: mrs. cheese birthday, though the cheeses will be celebrating on the morrow

Retail [shudder]

Today at the bookmines the cheese found himself shelving a number of science related tomes, but the scientifical shelves were all packed so tight that a crowbar was required to take a book down. In light of this, and the large amount of newly arrived books the cheese had to put on said shelves, the cheese decided a little "discretionary pull" action was in order. Thusly, the cheese began ripping down a number of old and worn Astronomy titles and "placing" (read: tossing haphazardly) said books on the ground. After a number of books had found their way to the ground an elderly woman thought it might be a good idea to ask the cheese "Do you work here or are you just making a mess?"

The cheese just loves the kindness and respect shown to him and his fellow mine workers by the book buying public. And with that in mind the cheese would like to take this opportunity to say to all ungrateful book mine patrons out there:

Go screw yourselves!

Another day another loss

Well yesterday saw SoCal SC (that's the cheese' current Soccer Club) go down 4-1 against...whoever the hell that team was. Bringing SoCal's current record to 1-4. It is a bit hard to compete in games, though, when you start with only 8 men on the field. This game seemed to be more even tempered, but still saw 4 yellow cards handed out, and one of those was to the opposing goalie. There was a tense moment when it seemed there might be a fist fight on the field, but luckily no crow bars appeared this time.

In non-recreational, 25 and over sports news (read: professional) the Dodgers fired 33 year old GM Paul Depodesta. Which leaves the boys in blue sans Manager and General Manager.

Dear Mr. McCourt,

Please hire the cheese as the next Dodgers GM. He promises to attend all home games (unlike former GM Depodesta) and if he doesn't improve on the 91 losses of last season then he'll forfeit the remainder of his contract. Which, the cheese thinks you'll agree, is much better than firing someone and paying him the remaining three years on his contract. Also, I promise not to sign horribly injury prone players, or trade away high level prospects for players who get into fights with fans.

Yours,
the cheese

If you're a WOT fanatic like the cheese...

then you'll love the Encyclopedia WOT. It's even downloadable so that you can have a local copy on your non-internet equipped laptop like the cheese.

Asian Invasion

So the cheese is once again plying his skills on the pitch (for you football [or soccer as dumbass American's would say] uninitiated). Having found a team via Craigslist the cheese was happy to back kicking the ball around. An overheard snippet at this week's game, however, has made the cheese question his choice of teammates. It seems that in last week's match (which the cheese missed) one of the cheese' teammates nearly got into some fisticuffs with an opposing player. After the match said teammate then absconded to his automobile to fetch a crowbar to finish the tussle.

Over half of the team consists of Vietnamese guys who all show up roughly two minutes after the game is supposed to start, and barely speak of word of English during the game. This, of course, makes it hard to play as a "team." But the Asian faction does not seem to care. The fact that they are Vietnamese does not bother the cheese as he has played with people from the Czech Republic, Ireland, Brazil, various Latin countries, and he even played on a team with an Asian guy named Jaime (the Spanish pronunciation) and a black guy named Yoshi who grew up in Japan. The thing that bothers the cheese is the very real possibility that over half of his team in somehow connected to the Vietnamese Mafia.

An Open Letter to Terry Prachett

Dear Mr. Prachett,

Let me start by saying I'm sorry. Or rather, let me start by saying I'm sorry to myself. I was one of some 150 people at a speaking/signing you held on Saturday September 24th, in the year of "our" Lord 2005. It is doubtful you remember me. The afternoon started with you addressing the crowd and taking questions (everything from "How do you pronounce Angua?" to "What does a Hippo sound and like?" and even "What, exactly, is a figgin'?"). I, of course, did not ask any questions because something like "What is your exact philosophy on the nature of time and multiple dimensions in relation to "Nightwatch" and "thief of Time" seemed a little inappropriate for the occasion.

After the interactive portion of the event was over all those in attendance lined up so that we could secure your precious autograph on our coveted copies of your various works. Being under the assumption you would only be signing your newest book I did not, in fact, bring any of the number of other things I would have given my left index finger to have you sign (but since I still have said finger, perhaps that was for the best). As was already mentioned, roughly 150 were there to wait in line and I was lucky number 128.

It was not until around 5:00 (three hours after you were first introduced to us) that I (with my supportive wife in tow) finally made our way up to you. It was at just about this point that my tongue stopped functioning. Or possibly it was momentarily transported to some dark dungeon dimension because I don't even remember feeling it waggling around inside my mouth. I am fairly certain I was able to mumble a "hello" or some odd equivalent. And while I don't remember speaking my name, I certainly must have because the correct name is indeed inside the two books you signed for me.

And so, roughly 15 seconds later my brush with greatness was at an end. My wife wondered why in the world I didn't actually speak to you, as you obviously had no problem conversing with others who sought your signature. All I can say is that the experience was so surreal that even now, two days later, I have a problem remembering the specifics.

And in all honesty, how do you tell someone whom you've idolized for a number of years that he is the reason you wanted to become a writer? Sure, it sounds nice to think it, or even write it down, but too actually say it sounds a bit...well...stupid.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, Mr. Pratchett, that I wasn't being rude. And if I ever get the chance again I will certainly try to ask a squeaky voiced question or two. Or at least, I'll try to try.

Thanks for everything,
the cheese

p.s. Seeing as how I will be at a similar event this Saturday for Neil Gaiman, I have decided to write out some questions/witty banter ahead of time...

Self torture

After one week, the cheese' resolve finally broke and today he purchased Thud!. Of course, today also marked the release of Anansi Boys so time will tell how long before the cheese buys that. Normally, none of this would matter, except that the cheese has to read Sister Carrie by next Monday, and still has three critical essays to read before tonight, not to mention the fact that he must finish Dracula by next week (though, since he has already read this once, he will likely skim it as, if memory serves, it's a slow ass book).

Damn grad. school is certainly getting in the way of the cheese' normal reading habits!

Grad school MADNESS!!!!!!

Having to devote his entire weekend to catching up on the correspondence between Vicomte de Valmont and Marquise de Merteuil the cheese, unfortunately, missed the dungeon crawling goodness of WHQ that ensued this past Saturday.

And so the question is...how fared the witchhunter?

Infrequent updates

As much as the cheese complained about his last job (wasting away in front of a computer for a large multi-national corporation), it did afford him ample opportunity to post blogs/use company time doing non-company related things on the internet. Being back at the bookmines affords no such luxury.

So, a brief recap of the last two or so months...

Move-check
Married-check
Death in wife's family-sadly check
Started Grad school-excellent

Of course, with the last point, the homework and massive amounts of reading have also begun. If only the cheese had been a good student at some in his life he wouldn't get a panic attack when thoughts of the upcoming semester drift across his mind.

Sad but true

The cheese is sitting naked on a metal folding chair in the heart of the OC where the current temperature is roughly 900 Fahrenheit...and it occurs to the cheese that sweaty bare flesh has a tendency to stick to metal.

Today

Misc. "Bookmine" customer: Excuse me can you help me?
the cheese: Sure.
Misc. "Bookmine" customer: I'm looking for a book.
the cheese: OK, what book.
Misc. "Bookmine" customer: I'm looking for books by T.D. Jakes.
the cheese: (walks a few aisles and points at bookshelf) This is where most of the books by T.D. Jakes are located, but if you don't see the specific title you want let me know because some of his stuff is scattered in other sections.
Misc. "Bookmine" customer: OK, and are all these books for sale?
the cheese: uh...do you want to know if they're on sale?
Misc. "Bookmine" customer: Nevermind.
the cheese: OK, well let me know if you need anything else.
Misc. "Bookmine" customer: So all these books can be purchased?
the cheese: ...Yes...
Misc. "Bookmine" customer: Thank you.
(the cheese walks away shaking his head)

--In other news the cheese had his first graduate level class tonight; American Modern Lit, excellent...

Find entertainment where you can get it...

Working back at the bookmines doesn't afford a whole lot of "benefits" but they do offer a constant take on the state of the nation.

Take for instance this book. Someone must have been browsing the parenting section, and didn't like what they saw because co-worker of the cheese later found the book misplaced with the following handwritten note inside:

"File under-
lesbian, feminist, propaganda bullshit."

Now here's the great thing about browsing in a book store. There is, guaranteed, no matter who you are or what you believe, going to be at least one book in any decent sized store that you completely fall in love with, and one that completely offends you.

Are you a self-hating half jewish Nazi...then the cheese can find a book for you. Has Jesus himself spoken to you personally...we might have something up your ally. Do you believe that a race of intergalactic lizards mixed their DNA with that of humans 10,000 years ago and that the descendents of those aliens are secretly running the world to this day...follow me.

Basically, it comes down to free speech people. If you don't like a book you see, you don't have to buy it, open it, or even look at it.

F@&*#$!G Ads

Because the cheese is tired of seeing advertisements posted in the comments, he has now re-set the blog so that only members of this blog can comment. If you are a faithful reader of the cheese and wish to comment, e-mail the cheese (the cheese knows full well, however, that the only people who regularly read this thing are already members so this shouldn't affect anyone other than the assholes using the land of the cheese as free ad space).

Two pieces of advice

1. Don't move 500 miles four weeks before a wedding, and
2. Don't spend any time in Big Springs Texas, ever!

One day...

Is the cheese nervous...no. Does the cheese have cold feet...negetive. Is the cheese concerned at all...meh. The cheese is looking forward to a decrease in stress after tomorrow. And he is crossing his fingers that any "day of" problems are small, or soon-to-be-mrs.-cheese doesn't find out about them...

Almost done

At this point, the cheese and soon-to-be-mrs.-cheese wish they had eloped. Between little seen relatives inviting themselves, few to none rsvp's received, and the ever expanding budget, the question has to be asked is this all worth it? That question will not be answered, of course, until the actual wedding day...

The cheese disagrees, sir!

Because of suavo's long reply to the cheese' snippy comment, he has been forced to reply with a completely new post...


"My major problem...is that the universe in question is very large and very complex. That may sound like a copout..."

And indeed, it is a copout. Let us see why.

"With Robotech...the story I told about you guys had little, if anything, to do with the events of the Robotech universe. The setting was there, as a background, but that was enough...the story is fairly discrete, and quite straightforward when you come down to it."

Well, yes the cheese' supposes that the case can be made that the overall story of the first Robotech series is pretty straightforward. If you are willing to say that a galaxy spanning war between humans and aliens is "discrete and straightforward." However, the fact that the universe only played a background to that campaign has more to do with the fact that as characters, the players had no desire to get involved with the "Robotech" story. Had the group created characters in the RDF, then the going's on of the human/zentradi war would have been a little more important to the game.

Also remember that all of the discworld novels are about characters (just like any good rpg session) and not necessarily on the universe as a whole. Adding another story into the discworld is just as easy as it is to do in, say, the Star Wars, Warhammer, or Shadowrun universes. With the discworld, you just have a lot of stories coming from one source.

"...the story we did fit well with the rest of the universe, without needing to intertwine with it excessively, or constantly worry about treading on anything that was otherwise canon..."

This, in relation to the discworld, is completely a non-issue. Pratchett himself has given a number of books over to one off stories and characters that in no significant way interact with other, more established characters.

The discworld has no cannon. Pratchett himself has said on a number of occasions that the universe evolved through his writing with no conscious effort on his part. There exists a map of Ankh-Morpork, but only because someone took six months to pour over every detail Pratchett had ever written about the city. But he in no way sat down and mapped the city out himself (he didn't even believe such a thing could adequately be done).

By setting a campaign in the discworld we would be doing exactly what you do in any rpg. You start with a "setting" and evolve it to your group's specific needs/desires.

"Discworld is a big, complex universe. There's a lot going on there, even without taking in to account the universe's prepensity for not making sense in the least. "

Every universe is, by definition, big and complex. That's usually what makes people want to set rpg's in them. The difference here, is that rather having 30 odd source books dedicated to the universe, there are that many novels.

And the universe does make sense, but in an evolutionary sort of way. Magic, in the beginning of the series, was a classic "fantasy" type, with spells, rituals, etc. It has gone on to become (for some) something closer to quantum physics, but it was not an overnight change (remember, these books started out nearly 20 years ago).

In fact, the rpg manual states the three most important rules about the universe. Everything else is pretty much up for grabs.

"It is a universe which denies understanding, and intentionally so."

This is completely wrong, and is an assumption made based on only passing knowledge of the universe. In some ways, it is a universe easier to understand than most. For instance, everyone on the disc knows that every "one in a million" chance at something will succeed. The important thing to remember, though is that if the odds are "one in 999,999" then you're probably fucked.

"The story is too vague/complex."

Yes, and my shit is too brown/smelly. The cheese isn't sure how something is both vague and complex at the same time, but every universe is vague by definition. Universes tend to be big. And, it's not really that complex. We don't know every story of every person on the disc, we just know the few that Pratchett has told. We (those who would be playing the campaign) would be creating our own.

"As a GM, that accordingly leaves me with two options.
1) Create a story that doesn't really have much to do with anything.This is the easier of the two, but it fails in a key way: it doesn't do the universe justice. It defeats the purpose of playing the Discworld RPG at all... it could be anything."

Not really because the important thing about the universe is the SETTING ITSELF. Because there aren't a whole lot of rpg's that can say metaphor, narrative, and whimsy are an integral part of the place. It comes down to adjusting how you as a GM, and we as players, approach the game. Clearly, the campaigns wouldn't be straight up swords and sourcery ala D&D, but that's what makes the place special.

"2) Create a story that intertwines heavily with one particular story from the books...That means the game becomes a seesaw swinging back and forth between inside jokes that are funny for the sake of being there at all, and a constant effort of explaining small details that would otherwise be missed/ignored."

First off, anything set on the disc should have some inside jokes baked in. But, and this the important thing, they can OUR inside jokes. They don't have to be ones from the novels.

You already said that in Robotech we didn't have a strong connection to the known storyline, and there's no reason to be forced into doing that here.

"The universe is simply too diverse/indiscrete to lend itself well to an RPG in my opinion."

The cheese wonders, then, why so many people play Forgotten Realms or Star Wars. Those are two settings that are way more defined than discworld, yet are two highly popular games. If you're reluctance to GM comes from the fact that you don't know the universe, then that is a valid argument. But don't make the excuse that it's a problem with the setting itself.

In many way, in fact, it would probably be a bonus to you as the GM to be less familiar with the books. That way you're not constrained by what Pratchett has previously written. The source book does a very good job of giving an overview of the universe, which is all you should really need.

As for D20 modern...well, the cheese would rather just play Shadowrun. The whole point of playing an rpg (from the cheese' point of veiw, anyway) is to play a character in a cool setting that he knows and enjoys. The cheese likes Shadowrun, Warhammer, and Star Wars, and likes playing characters in them. Same goes for the discworld.

The next one can't end with a death...right?

OK, some character has died by at the end of the last two Harry Potter books, so the cheese does not believe that saying another character gets it at the end of 6 is a true spoiler. But the final book has to end on a happy note, doesn't it? Unless J.K. Rowling wants to have a bunch of group suicides attributed to her. Honestly, if the cheese didn't know there was another book coming, he seriously consider doing himself in right now.

Even if the HP series ends in a bittersweet way it can't be worse than the final scene of the Hitchhiker's Guide series. These are supposed to be kid's books after all.

General update

Still a month and a half until school starts and the cheese has done a big goose egg of work on the Chronicles since getting back to the land of the mouse. Chance of finishing by August 29th = slim. Plus, all the wedding craziness has risen to the level of frenzy, and there probably won't be a honeymoon. But at least it's all coming together and will be over soon.

In other news the Dodgers blew a one run 10th inning lead to drop their eighth game out of the last nine. Diagnosis: even with Monopoly Bradley and Valentin back soon this season's done. Likely DePodesta will make the mistake of trading Weaver in the next few days instead of re-signing him.

At least Liverpool is on its way to a defence of last season's champions league triumph. Sure, Welsh champs TNS didn't pose much of a threat to begin with, but a 6-0 aggregate score is pretty impressive (in fact, Stevie G score 5 of those goals...Benitez should have just sent out Gerrard and Carson in the second half of game two just to give the other side a chance). Next up, some poor sods from Lithuania. Yeah, it might be a bit frustrating to start in the first qualifying round, but it sure is entertaining watching the lads kick the snot out of these small clubs. Here's how you know your completely outclassed...when 10 of your starting 11 publicly announce that they are fans of the opposing team (which is what the TNS coach mentioned before the start of game one). Kinda like the recent Galaxy/Real Madrid (should we call it a game?) match. The cheese doesn't have cable TV right now, so he missed this one (and a goal by English super stud who should return to his home in LIVERPOOL, Michael Owen), but all accounts are that Zidane could have beaten the Galaxy by himself. Sure, Landon Donavon was on int. duty with team US in the gold cup, but his recent "display" in the bundesliga proves he would have done little to affect the final scoreline.

Lastly, a short note to suavo...let's play discworld damnit! You have some novels now, so read them! Or, here's a proposition, don't read those ones yet...the cheese has another one sitting on his desk that is right up your ally...

The grass is always greener

The cheese has now finished his first week back at the ol' bookmines, and it has become painfully obvious that it is not an occupational decision he can live with for long. Having spent some time in the employ of a large multi-nation corporation that supplies decent benefits and a great work environment, the return to retail is a bitter pill indeed.

What's that faithful reader, what about all the complaints the cheese made while working for said large multi-national corporation? Well, nothing's perfect, is it? But this latest turn in the cheese' sordid employment history feels not like a step back, but more like a fall into a dark pit with no visible bottom.

It is, of course, a means to an end. Being at the store for the time being helps to facilitate graduate school, which will in turn facilitate finishing the Chronicles, which will facilitate the cheese' invasion of and eventual rule over the world of geek fiction.

Mwaahahaha

More evil baby!

The cheese rides again!

Rumors of the cheese' demise have been greatly exaggerated, and he now back (with cable modem in hand) to reclaim the land of the cheese and cast out all those who revolted in his absence.

Jezmon and Suavo will be rewarded with land, riches, and a lovely maiden of virtue true each, for their loyalty to the cheese.

Tengu, for his indifference, will be neither rewarded nor punished.

Exsulis is now an abomination unto the cheese. He will henceforth be stripped of his title of jester, and from now on be known as "Sculery Maid."

Out Bitches!

And so the cheese must now say goodbye to the City...

Logan Darrow Clements is the cheese' newest hero!

Every once in a while the cheese reads something that truly re-instills his faith in humanity. And while the chance of this proposal actually being put into action is somewhere south of *no fucking way in hell* it is nice to see that irony and activism (and, oddly, venture capitalism) can, every so often, come together for a common purpose.

Who knew Laura Bush was so filthy?

The cheese is gonna have to track down a dvd of the after hours
show.

The last weekend

The last weekend for the cheese in the City was an oddly bittersweet affair. Friday night was spent at zeitgeist. Beers all night compliments of mr. halisy, and the cheese is ever grateful that this past friday was pay day.

Saturday was a mostly packing affair. Sunday was the parade.

It's rather fitting that the cheese' last weekend in SF just happened to coincide with Pride weekend. The cheese didn't see nearly as many bare male asses as he had anticipated, which isn't a particularly bad thing.

Tomorrow the cheese gets the moving truck, and Wednesday the drive commences.

Commence countdown

Time to departure: T-minus...a few days or so (so it's not a terribly "specific" countdown, get over it).

Items packed:

-computer/ps2
-Kitchenware
-assorted living room knick-knacks (or bric-a-brac if you prefer)
-both closets


Items left to pack:
-desk/bed (need to be dismantled)
-all unreasonably heavy items (i.e., the pull out couch)
-turtles

An all inclusive list? No, but even in the three seconds it took the cheese to peruse it, depression has started to set in about coming back to the land of the
anti-christ.

Pedaphiles ruining it for the rest of us

Apparently the
"Girls 13 And Under For Older Guys" chat room wasn't a big hit with the people over at Yahoo, as the company pulled all of its user created chat rooms.

Now a-holes all over the country won't be able to argue over the current fantasy value of
Chien-Ming Wang or how much of the new Star Wars movie sucked and/or rocked.

Of course, the cheese doesn't partake of the "chat room insanity" that affects so many others, so the recent move by yahoo has done no damage to the world of the cheese.

Damnit!

The cheese is going have to run over some small animals or something...

Brief look into the future...

Tonight will feature a leisurely hour or two at the Colonial to listen to mr. vargas spin then...

the cheese will try and take apart his massive corner desk (why did he use wood glue to put it together?) and pack up the ol' desktop/ps2/miscellaneous computer parts.

Tomorrow and Friday will consist mostly of wasting time at work/packing before the last weekend in the City *sniffle*

Games

Here is a list, in order of preference, of the games the cheese would like to play once he is relocated to the OC...

1. Warhammer (at some point the cheese will actually finish painting his army)
2. Discworld RPG (this will mean, of course, that unknown suavo will either have to read some discworld novels, or the cheese will have to GM *shudder*)
3. Warhammer RPG (is it out yet?)
4. Star Wars RPG (doesn't the cheese have like TWO characters for this game)
5. Warhammer Quest (easily played without all the hub-bub of a real RPG)
6. Unnamed Game (the one that suavo made/is making...have you guys played this recently?...if so you can bump this up to numero tres)
7. Shadowrun (it's just not the same without Junkin, though the cheese is willing to substitute D20 Modern and move it up if someone wants to GM)
8. Robotech (the cheese will never have another character like this...and damnit he misses ol' Ian "I can kill you 300 ways with my mind, plus I have a very handy collection of swords. And if that doesn't scare you let me introduce you to my pals Exion and Tengu..." Strife)

Did the cheese miss anything?

The Greatest

The Indy 500 might be the Greatest Spectacle in Racing, and Wrestlmania might be the Greatest Spectacle in Wrestling (but who cares about that, really?). But the Greatest Spectacle in the World has to be
the Beckhams. Yes, TomKat (as a sidenote, just because we had one inane celebrity coupling that went by one inane name doesn't mean they all should...just like every stupid political stumble in this country shouldn't have the word "gate" as a suffix, but the cheese digresses) may be sucking up a serious amount of headlines around the world right now (and scientology converts are up!), but no other couple in the history of the world could be considered they're own brand like ol' Posh and Goldenballs.

If you ever find yourself in a horrible depression, just think about their three sons; Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz. Does it get any better than that?!

Yes, Becks is probably the most famous man on the planet (sure plenty of people in this country still don't know who he is, or if they do, they don't know what it is that he actually does for a living, but little kids in third world villages all over Africa and Asia DO know who he is, take that Tom Cruise!), and certainaly rich beyond anything the cheese could imagine. But these are people so divorced from reality that they got married on thrones and cut their wedding cake with a sword for christ's sake! Even Charles and Camilla didn't get married on thrones and he's an honest to god, no shit, prince!

You probably shouldn't say things like...

It's not rocket science. If someone were looking for me, and then that person said he knew where I was, I'd go somewhere else.

WH Quest

If tengu really wants the witch hunter, then the cheese can always take the Bretonnian Knight. Take that exsulis!