Something that has bothered the cheese all week...

Last weekend, momma_cheese was a bride's maid in a wedding. Naturally the entire cheese clan was in attendance. What made this particular wedding interesting, though, is the fact that the bride is a friend of momma_cheese' from high school, and as one might imagine, a number of people were in attendance that the cheese had not seen since the Centennial days.

One of these people, in fact, was a guy we will refer to as "unnamed male classmate." Well it so happens that unnamed male classmates still lives in Crown Town. He is, in fact, now an officer on Corona PD (sidenote: the groom is also a cop in Corona, though he attended high school in Riverside). So at one point the cheese finds himself in the restroom with unnamed male classmate, and is asked the question "What have you been up to."

"Graduate school, getting an MA in English and MFA in Creative Writing," responds the cheese.

"You gonna write for the Press-Enterprise or what?"

Let's stop here for just one moment and reflect on this question. First off, the Riverside Press-Enterprise is THE WORST metropolitan paper in all of California, and possibly the country. If the horizon of your imagination only goes so far as to equate the Press-Enterprise with an MFA in Creative Writing, then clearly you are a person to be ignored. Sadly, the cheese did not, at this point, turn his back on unnamed male classmate...

"Uh, no...We'd still be living in San Francisco, actually, if not for grad. school."

"San Francisco?"

"Yeah, we lived there for five years."

"Aren't there a lot of homo's there?"

At this point the cheese had to force down the impulse to ask unnamed male classmate if he were functionally retarded....or respond with "no, everything you've heard about the City is false, I never met one homo when I was there, but it's crawling with dykes"....or simply ripping out unnamed male classmate's eye. This came from a guy you still lives in, and works on the police force of, the city he was born and raised in. If this is what happens when someone stays close to their "roots" the cheese is forcing all of his kids to move at least 1000 miles away from home for college, or better yet, he'll ship them all overseas cause there aren't any "homo's" in Europe...

Is the cheese trying to get fired?

Possibly...the following is an e-mail that was sent out company wide by the new HR manager at the cheese' current place of employment (the typos have been left in intentionally):

From: Misc. HR Manager
Sent: Wednesday, September 27, 2006 2:47 PM
To: Misc. Employees
Subject: Miscellaneous Advertising Agency Newsletter Games

Hello everyone,

I am currently working on the Miscellaneous Advertising Agency newsletter and will be adding some fun games to be play in the newsletter. The October issues is going to have an Miscellaneous Advertising Agency game based on employees. I would appreciate your help in creating the game by answering the following questions and returning your answers to me by this Friday, September 29th.

Questions.

1. List one thing people don't know about you.

2. List one guilty pleasure (keep it clean) that you have.

3. What is your favorite office snack?

4. Where was your last vacation?

5. Please list the types of pets you have and their names.

6. What is the best OR worst Halloween costume you have ever worn?

7. List one thing that scares you.

8. What is your least favorite food?

9. What do you want for Christmas this year?

10. What is your favorite candy?

Thanks everyone.

Misc. Female Name
HR Manager
Miscellaneous Advertising Agency
xxx-xxx-xx77 x229 (office)
xxx-xxx-xx65 (fax)
MFemaleName@MiscellaneousAdvertisingAgency.net

And here follows the cheese's responses to said questions:

1. I am the semi-benevolent over-lord of a planet that resides in another plane of existence.

2. Allowing rebellions to go on long enough that those involved believe they have a real possibility of pulling me from my throne before I crush them under my mighty fist of oppression.

3. The souls of non-believers.

4. To ensure the continuance of my reign I have not the leisure of taking vacations.

5. Three-headed dog named Cerberus.

6. I do not participate in this “Holy Day” know as Halloween as it would sully my dignity and grandeur.

7. An armed and organized populous.

8. In order that my reign last forever I have forgone the ingestion of food and now subsist on hourly injections of a secret “elixir” that my royal alchemist devised.

9. Santa Claus is currently imprisoned in my dungeon and will grant me whatever I wish…or he’ll pay dearly!

10. Candy is simply an opiate of the masses that I use to control the minds of young children.

Disgusting, absolutely disgusting!

The cheese is going to, from this point forward, completely strip the use of the word LIKE from his vocabulary. While sitting in one of his GRADUATE level English classes yesterday evening he heard a fellow student use the word 32 times in 63 seconds. Clearly, the state of education in this country has sunk to some abyssal, hell-like level when such a thing can occur and said student is not verbally reduced to tears by the professor or the other students.

“You know” is also being retired…you know?

It's a good show, alright!

Let it not be said that the cheese is prejudiced against certain types, or genres if you will, of entertainment. Right now on his laptop are mp3's from The Roots, The Descendents, Nelly Furtado, The Chieftains, and about 130 more hours fairly eclectic listening fair (except for country...other than Johnny Cash and Merle Haggard the cheese can do without country).

That being said, the cheese will now admit that for the last three years he has faithfully watched Gilmore Girls. And at this point dear reader, you're asking yourself just how gay is the cheese? Well that's some attitude mister! First of all, let us blame momma_cheese for getting the Gilmore Girls to become a part of the cheese family's weekly watching habits. But, you know what, it's a pretty damn enjoyable show. The cheese is not in the least embarrassed to say that he was fairly anxious about the season premiere last night.

Look, the cheese doesn't feel the need to actually justify his viewing habits, however, let's take a look at some of the show's good points:

1. Hot chicks - the cheese has long said that attractive women should not be a reason to watch a show/movie because every single thing produced in Hollywood contains attractive women. However, Lauren Graham is one of the cutest damn women to ever walk god's green earth, and the character she plays only emphasizes said cuteness. Also, Alexis Bleidel has blossomed into a stunning young woman before the audience's eyes.

2. Writing - line for line, no show throws out more pop culture references in so short a time. The average script for an episode of Gilmore Girls must be at least twice as long as any other hour long drama because everyone talks so fast. You'd think it gets annoying, but once you've become acclimated to the Starshollow vernacular, it's like you've been accepted into an exclusive club.

3. Characters - sometimes, too many "quirky" characters can make a show just too damn stupid. Sometimes, however, for whatever reason, it just works. Gilmore Girls has such an odd collection of characters, but it works.

The cheese will gladly take credit...thank you very much!

Many times on this forum has the cheese extolled the virtues of one Veronica Mars (mmm...Kristin Bell), and he will continue to do so until he is planted firmly in the cold, cold ground...but it is good to see that others have followed suit.

And if memory serves (though, with the sleep deprivation and all, it may, in fact, not serve) the cheese believes he was the one to urge Mojo to join the Cult of Mars.

Don't Forget

Don't forget to go out and pick up your copy of "Straight Outta Lynwood" in stores now.

Yeah....Nay?

While the Official Seal Generator is, of course, a fairly interesting and fun way for one to waste some time at work, it has dawned on your benevolent overlord that there is a serious lack of cheese related images....

Operation "Insert Nose Into Blaylock's Ass" Has Commenced

Yesterday, whilst taking part in his weekly fiction writing workshop, the cheese had the sheer dumb fortune to make a comment that was simultaneously 1) in complete disagreement with the rest of the class and 2) in total agreement with Blaylock. Luckily, the cheese made this comment before Blaylock did, so it did not seem as if the cheese were merely "kissing up," if you will.

Next week, though, will be the real test as the cheese submitted the first pages of The Chronicles: The Sequel for next weeks workshop. Sadly, the cheese thought of some changes that are needed to said pages after he had already turned them in. Ah well, hopefully The Man does not rip on the cheese too much...

It's finally happened.

The cheese has started toiling away on The Chronicles: The Sequel. Just so there is no confusion, however, be advised that the new book is not a straight sequel to The Chronicles...though there may be a few cameos, if you will, by those gracing the pages of said book.

But wait a second, the cheese, aren't you still working on The Chronicles? the cheese hears you wonder. Well, yes good citizen, the cheese has yet to finish them. Though he slowly gets closer every now and then, the real issue is time. Apparently, even though he has tried mightily, the cheese cannot create more time. There is a finite amount of it available every week, and a lot of it is already used up.

So why start The Chronicles: The Sequel? Well, the cheese had little choice as the man/myth/legend Blaylock advised the cheese that A) the Chronicles were already too large to submit as a thesis project, and B) only submitting a portion of them wouldn't really help the cheese out much. So The Sequel has begun.

As an interesting sidenote this morning (oh, at 2 AM or so) momma_cheese came up with a damn good idea for The Chronicles: The Third Times a Charm...which the cheese family may begin collaborating on shortly...

white and nerdy video

This is probably one of the funniest videos Al has ever done. Man, I can't wait until next tuesday.

Not getting the point, or "RE: website inquiry"

"Thank you for sharing your passion and ideas regarding The Wheel of Time.

We are hard at work at bringing The Wheel of Time to the big screen as a feature film presentation. We are striving for a production that will bring to life a well-known and beloved epic, while at the same time, will also reach out to a global audience of new fans who have not yet have the opportunity to share in The Wheel of Time experience.

We appreciate hearing from you!

Sincerely,

Red Eagle Entertainment"



Maybe they'll get Jamie Foxx to play Rand, Halle Berry for Moiraine and Paris Hilton can play Elayne!!!!!!!

Something we are all, no doubt, worried about...

Because, apparently, he has nothing better to do at work...the cheese' alter-ego sent the following letter off this morning...links are included to help the reader:



"Dear Red Eagle Entertainment LLC,

Please, please, please, for the love of god, PLEASE do not attempt to turn the Wheel of Time series, or any of the books contained therein, into a motion picture.

No doubt you are working, at this very moment, on doing just that. Spurred on by the success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, the Harry Potter series, and the first installment in the Chronicles of Narnia, you undoubtedly see the Wheel of Time as a veritable "cash cow" thanks to Hollywood's newfound love of all things "fantasy."

But this lone fan implores you to resist the temptation from that whore known as the film industry. For every recent successful fantasy franchise, Hollywood has produced 10 Dungeons and Dragons. The Wheel of Time is a universe loved by countless fans across the globe and deserves something better than a watered down story starring a Wayans brother.

Hollywood's poor track record with fantasy media notwithstanding, the sheer immensity of the Wheel of Time does not lend itself to the silver screen. At last count the series contained over 1800 named characters over the course of 11 main books and one prequel. When translating a piece of work into a new media there are unavoidable changes that must be made, but to take a story containing nearly 2000 different characters and then dilute it enough to make it digestible for the mass movie going audience would be nothing short of criminal.

If you are so unwavering in your desire to a see a live action version of Robert Jordan's masterpiece, then please consider the small screen. Likely television is not nearly as lucrative an endeavor as a feature length film, but a multi-year series would allow the story to be told in as faithful (to the original work) a way as possible.

Of course, I freely admit to knowing little to nothing about how one might produce a film or television series. Essentially, I'm talking out of "my ass," but my message comes with the utmost sincerity. Please take care of this universe that so many of us know and love.

james"

The national anthem of Cheeselandia

I would like to submit this song as the national anthem of the land of cheese. In order to hear the right song make sure you click on the "white nerdy weird al" song otherwise you'll end up hearing some gansta rap.