An Open Letter to U.S. Soccer Federation President Sunil Gulati

Dr. President Gulati,

The cheese would like to take this opportunity to formally submit his name for the recently vacant position of U.S. Men's Head Coach. Now, the cheese understands that over the next few months many names will considered, as some have already speculated as to who might succeed Bruce Arena. And names like Klinsman and Scolari are indeed impressive. Think for a moment, though, about whether the U.S. national team, at this moment, needs a big name coach with an international reputation for winning? Your initial reaction may be to say YES! But the cheese is confident that if you just take a few moments you might begin to see that he is the right man for the job:

--The cheese is unknown
While choosing the cheese may cause some uproar in the media (but, really, how much coverage does the U.S. Soccer team get?), it will also immediately lower expectations for the national team. You are no doubt committed to ensuring that the national squad to continue to improve, but this team has a history of failing when expectations are moderate to high (1998 and 2006), and performing well when expectations are low or non-existent (1994 and 2002). Let the cheese' complete lack of experience and credibility play to the overall benefit of the national squad.

--The cheese doesn't actually watch a lot of American soccer
In your heart of hearts, President Gulati, you have to know that the MLS is a sub-standard league. That's not to say it isn't important. Gone, thankfully, are the days when the U.S. fielded college kids, semi-pros, and one or two naturalized citizens. But, overall, the MLS isn't a place to go if you want to watch high quality, fast-paced, skillful football. It's getting better, no doubt (anybody remember the San Jose Clash?) but it's still got a ways to go. The construction of soccer specific stadiums is great, and the cheese is looking forward to the day when he can go to a game in his native country rather than getting up at 4 AM on a Saturday to watch an EPL match. What does any of this have to do with coaching the national squad you may be asking yourself. Well, for starters, it means the cheese has no loyalty to any U.S. players. Nearly all of them ply their trade in the MLS (yes, yes, Beasley, Keller, Convey, Onyenwu, etc.), and those that don't are so scattered throughout Europe that it's very difficult to watch them all play on a consistent basis. That means that in a tournament like the World Cup, the cheese would be more likely to field players who are training well at the time rather than those that have played well in the past. Arena's insistence to stick with Beasley and Donovan who underperformed throughout the tournament is just one reason it's good he's gone. And don't point to Donovan's play against Italy, that was an aberration of a match in all ways. In fact, the cheese wished for Donovan to have a standout tournament and prove all his detractors wrong. But it seems time and time again he can't really perform when it's needed (or in Europe at all). But what about 2002 you might ask. Yes, let us recall in the quarterfinal match when Donovan successfully nutmegged his way to being 8 yards from the goal with only the goalie to beat and he chunked it (yes, Kahn was in rare form that year, but come on, the cheese could've scored in that situation for christ's sake!). Look, if someone isn't playing well, then they don't get to play. Sure, everyone can have an off game, but when you're in the World Cup off games can't occur.

--The cheese has no philosophy
One of the things that made Arena successful in 2002 was the fact that he approached each game with the opponent in mind. The U.S. team that beat Mexico in the round of 16 was completely different, tactics wise, then the team that came out against Germany and nearly won (or should have, but for Donovan, see above). For some reason, though, after the ass pounding handed out by the Czech's in game one, Arena still fielded the same formation and playing style. He mixed up the squad a bit, but it was obvious that no U.S. team playing in a 4-5-1 was going to get it done in the toughest group in the tournament. The cheese knows you while you gotta play to your strengths (though that requires first IDENTIFYING them), you have have to exploit your opponents weaknesses. Arena ran out a team that looked like they were facing the Columbus Crew in all three tournament matches.

--The cheese really wants the job
Sure, whoever you hire will want the job, but the cheese doubts anyone would be as grateful or excited about it as he. And were he awarded the job, the cheese promises to due his all, work his hardest and take all steps necessary to ensure the improvement of the national team for the 2 weeks that he has the job.